Limitations
Do you ever feel limited in your relationship with God? I do. And I think the majority of these limitations are self-imposed. I used to struggle with the basic idea that a person could be both gay and Christian, which allowed me to imagine all sorts of reasons why God might be frustrated with me, why God might not answer my prayers, and why I might be better off leaving God the heck alone. Not one valid thought in the bunch. But I allowed all of them to keep me spiritually fenced-in, which inhibited growth and kept me from fully grasping the depth of my love for God and God's love for me. How convenient for Satan. I painted myself into a corner.
I know now that it is possible (even a blessing) to be both gay and Christian, so it's not the basis of faith that I struggle with anymore. But I do manage to limit myself in other ways, namely when it comes to the idea of having children. I've never been overly maternal and it has never been a dream of mine to have 2.5 children and the white picket fence, but as I have matured and grown closer to my nieces and nephew, I have become a great deal more appreciative of innocence, curiosity, unconditional love and trust, and other qualities that children possess, to the point that Angela and I have begun talking about having children of our own. Actually, we've been talking about it off and on for over a year and we have yet to take action, but the fact that we are even talking about it signals serious progress. Four years ago I would have erected an emotional wall the minute the subject was introduced, and I would have gone on committed to the idea that Angela and I would never have children without ever really exploring the possibilities in depth.
Fear is a powerful dictator. The fears that I had about having children--worrying about how the world would view a child with two mommies, assuming that God did not desire for me to become a parent because I'm gay, and other irrational, caged emotions--prevented me from attaching any importance at all to the idea that Angela and I could become parents. In a similar way, I think fear can keep us all from pursuing a deeper relationship with God. Homophobia---both external and internal--can prevent us from attaching importance (not to mention power) to our spiritual lives, and it will do its best to destroy any fulfillment that we do receive. But it's not hard to overcome these fears if we continue to forge ahead despite them.
It seems like a no-brainer to say that being gay shouldn't prevent us from doing anything. But I think it can affect the way we view ourselves in relation to our families, our culture, and to the rest of the world, and that is the thing that can keep us caged and make us ineffective.
I am no longer oblivious to the fact that God is alive in children, and that children are an incredible blessing. Perhaps it's God that I fear--that I find God's love to be so pure and innocent that it becomes overwhelming, blinding, and difficult to embrace when I feel so utterly undeserving and incapable of ever knowing the full extent of it. But thoughts like that can be overcome. If I've learned anything so far during the process of reconciling faith and sexuality, it's that God can draw us out of our own shells and accomplish more through us than we ever dreamed possible as long as we remain active and willing.
We think in terms of our limited capabilities, while God thinks in terms of the endless possibilities. What does this mean for you?
I know now that it is possible (even a blessing) to be both gay and Christian, so it's not the basis of faith that I struggle with anymore. But I do manage to limit myself in other ways, namely when it comes to the idea of having children. I've never been overly maternal and it has never been a dream of mine to have 2.5 children and the white picket fence, but as I have matured and grown closer to my nieces and nephew, I have become a great deal more appreciative of innocence, curiosity, unconditional love and trust, and other qualities that children possess, to the point that Angela and I have begun talking about having children of our own. Actually, we've been talking about it off and on for over a year and we have yet to take action, but the fact that we are even talking about it signals serious progress. Four years ago I would have erected an emotional wall the minute the subject was introduced, and I would have gone on committed to the idea that Angela and I would never have children without ever really exploring the possibilities in depth.
Fear is a powerful dictator. The fears that I had about having children--worrying about how the world would view a child with two mommies, assuming that God did not desire for me to become a parent because I'm gay, and other irrational, caged emotions--prevented me from attaching any importance at all to the idea that Angela and I could become parents. In a similar way, I think fear can keep us all from pursuing a deeper relationship with God. Homophobia---both external and internal--can prevent us from attaching importance (not to mention power) to our spiritual lives, and it will do its best to destroy any fulfillment that we do receive. But it's not hard to overcome these fears if we continue to forge ahead despite them.
It seems like a no-brainer to say that being gay shouldn't prevent us from doing anything. But I think it can affect the way we view ourselves in relation to our families, our culture, and to the rest of the world, and that is the thing that can keep us caged and make us ineffective.
I am no longer oblivious to the fact that God is alive in children, and that children are an incredible blessing. Perhaps it's God that I fear--that I find God's love to be so pure and innocent that it becomes overwhelming, blinding, and difficult to embrace when I feel so utterly undeserving and incapable of ever knowing the full extent of it. But thoughts like that can be overcome. If I've learned anything so far during the process of reconciling faith and sexuality, it's that God can draw us out of our own shells and accomplish more through us than we ever dreamed possible as long as we remain active and willing.
We think in terms of our limited capabilities, while God thinks in terms of the endless possibilities. What does this mean for you?
posted by Jen Austin at 2:32 PM
2 Comments:
This is how I feel every time I screw up, which I've been doing a great deal of recently:
"Why would God want me as his child, when I'm out here doing these awful things?"
I end up getting so angry and disgusted with myself that I don't know what to do. All I can do is to keep asking God for forgiveness. But right now, I'm still feeling pretty worthless.
"We think in terms of our limited capabilities, while God thinks in terms of the endless possibilities."
I like this statement. It's good to remember. I think God can use us in all types of situations, even if we are limited. I guess as humans, we will always have some type of limiatation (otherwise, we would be God). But that doesn't mean we stop striving to live out of faith instead of fear. It's important to remember that wherever we are in our walk with God...He will use us if we allow Him to...and even sometimes when we don't. heh. Me gusta la posta mucho.
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