On a Whim

One never can tell exactly how someone will react to the revelation that you're gay and Christian. I guess it depends upon whether or not this someone considers the terms to be mutually exclusive.

Here is one recent post from the guestbook at jenaustin.com:

"You people make me sick! Why is it that you think you can go change the world to suit your whims? It isn't all about you!"

Believe it or not, my first reaction to this post was to smile and clap and thank God. As long as sentiments like this exists, gay Christians have a greater purpose.

And she's exactly right. It isn't all about me, or any other gay Christian for that matter. It's about a truth that resides somewhere beyond us, and just happens to be expressed through us. I think most gay Christians realize that. I didn't choose to be homosexual any more than my parents chose to be heterosexual. Sexuality, after all, is not something you can pick out like a fun new shirt at Old Navy and choose to wear whenever the mood strikes you. Sexuality is something much more deeply engrained in us, and something that we must awaken to and learn how to freely express even in the face of judgment and condemnation. It's certainly not a whim.

The idea that homosexuality is somehow a whim is a strange one to me. Is heterosexuality a whim? When I imagine a whim, I imagine some big smokey cloud that playfully swirls around people and semi-randomly causes them to do things they would not normally do. For me, it would be whimsical to decide to run out and buy a sequined eveninig gown when I'm so practical and non-frilly by nature. Sexual attraction is not that wild and crazy either. It's a natural constant that cannot be reduced to the emotional equivalent of a wild hair.

There seems to be an underlying assumption here that heterosexuality is the healthy norm, and therefore homosexuality (and bisexuality, transgenderedness, and anything else non-hetero) must be a wicked departure from that norm. But heterosexuality is not the only acceptable expression of truth. Homosexuality is just gray matter that will not fit inside the minds of those who think in black and white.

Perhaps this is where the lust idea comes from. Romans 1:26-27 says, "God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another."

Others assume that we homosexuals have to first become inflamed with lust for one another before we act, and since lust is a bad thing then, naturally, we must be bad. Never mind the goodness that is inherent in committed homosexual relationships. Love, peace, joy, kindness, and other visible fruits of the Spirit are frequently overlooked. But it's important to keep in mind that at the time Paul wrote this passage in Romans, temple prostitution was prevelant and needed to be addressed, and that's the opportunity Paul is seizing here. Cults were usually the primary participants in temple prostitution, and members used both homosexual and heterosexual acts as a means of personal gain. It's not hard to see the wrongness in that. Same sex love is not addressed here. But this passage is often used to form a negative opinion about homosexuality despite that.

I don't consider myself to be terribly inflamed anyway. I'm far too subdued by nature to be considered either whimsical or inflamed. But if having dinner with my partner, stopping at Lowes for lightbulbs on the way home, and giving her a kiss goodnight before I pray and fall asleep is inflamed, than I guess perhaps I am. Oh the shame.

I'm happy that this poster thinks we have the power to change the world. But it won't be to suit our whims. It will be to more freely contribute to a society that holds love and truth in the highest esteem and pays little attention to the vessels through which they travel.

To the anonymous one who posted the message to which the blog refers, I'm really sorry we make you sick. I would rather not think that my presence on this earth causes you physical harm, especially when the idea is to uplift, inspire, and make life better. But then, as you said, it's not all about you.

The Unlikely Vessel

At 20Something last night we talked about the ways in which we can better relate to others. Jesus was the master. He seemed to have instant understanding when he came across a person in need of forgiveness, healing, or generosity, and this allowed him to see through to a person's heart and know exactly where that person was coming from. His ability was most certainly a gift from God. He had no fear of rejection or inadequacy, or anything else that regularly causes us to retreat back into our comfort zone rather than reach out to another person.

Maybe fear stops us from reaching out. Maybe we fear rejection, or we maybe we begin to doubt our own abilities and that stops us from cultivating relationships with others. I often feel completely inadequate and incapable of being the least bit helpful, but as I forge ahead despite this fear, I discover a strength and ability that resonates and can actually make a difference in someone's life. That's God, not me. So perhaps ultimately, we fear God's power, and any evidence of that power that serves as an inkling that God might unleash something mighty in our lives, is enough to cause us to retreat back to the safety of our elementary emotional shells. Busting out of that shell takes patience and resilience.

Jesus was patient beyond words. Take Matthew 9:20-22 for example. In that passage Jesus came across a woman in need of healing, and she said, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed." Jesus turned to her and said, "Take heart, daughter, your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

I don't know how patient I would have been in a similar situation. Not that anyone would ever come up and try to grab my clothes in search of healing. But we are supposed to learn from Jesus' interactions with people and there is definitely something to be learned from this. It makes me think, how many times in the last week have I passed up the opportunity to really get to know someone or help someone out of a jam because I've been too busy or too focused on my own life? I'm pretty disciplined and I like to stick to my work-write-treadmill routine so I can feel like a had a productive day once things finally wind down, and I'm not always excited about something unexpected popping up and preventing me from staying on time. Isn't that crazy? (Even as I'm writing this blog I'm carrying on an instant message conversation that just popped up. I'm certain I'll be late getting to the treadmill, but this is a great IM conversation. See, I'm learning.) Jesus lived his entire life for others, and always made time for the people who needed him. He had no routine and he was always patient. Not that any of our earthly tasks could ever compare to the work that Jesus did. But again, there is much to be learned from his example.

I think it's especially important to be conscious of this as gay Christians. Because we're gay, the world expects certain things of us, none of which involve making an effort to live like Jesus. If anything, they think we're of the devil. But we can make the choice to live our lives differently and prove them wrong. We can allow God to work through us no matter how large or small the task, and as we connect with others God can become increasingly visible and powerful. That's the way to squash homophobia and discrimination and all of those other evils in the world. Allow something that the world considers weak and abnormal, to become one of the ways in which God delivers love, healing, and peace. It's not up to us whether or not the world accepts or denies this gift. But it is our responsibility to become the vessel that delivers it.

In gay relationships, is all sex premarital?

Ashley posted the following in the guestbook at jenaustin.com:

“Jen, it is mentioned on your website that you live with your partner. Now, after reading this I found myself asking, "Does she fall into the temptation of pre-marital sex as would any other couple living together?" I would really like to know the answer to this; not for the fact that I want to pry into your personal life but to know if you find pre-marital sex right as you do homosexuality.”

Ashley raises a great question. Given the fact that homosexual couples cannot legally marry in most geographic locations, at what point in a gay relationship does sex become okay? Ashley doesn’t exactly say in this post whether she is for or against homosexuality, but I would venture to guess she disapproves. Which reminds me of a great quote—“It always seemed a bit pointless to me to disapprove of homosexuality. It’s like disapproving of rain.” -Fran Maude. You go Fran.

Thank you Ashley, for using the phrase, “as would any other couple” in your question about premarital sex. We homosexuals are so used to being set apart and ostracized from the land of normalcy that it is refreshing to finally be included, or at least considered to be within the realm of common experience when it comes to relationships.

The basic Christian understanding of sex suggests that if sex is performed outside of a marriage relationship between a man and a woman, then it is condemnable. This puts a lesbian like me between a rock and a hard place. Homosexuality is an expression of truth which is good, yet on those occasions when I live the truth, I am condemned because this expression does not fit beneath the marriage umbrella. (Perhaps umbrella is not the word to describe the canopy that hovers over the institution of marriage. The term seems a bit wide and is usually intended to envelope a number of varied attitudes and ideologies. Marriage has become much more narrowly defined, especially in recent years.) I would marry my partner if I could, but since I live in Texas—a state so red I am surprised it does not spontaneously combust more often than it does—I am legally forbidden to become betrothed. To state the obvious, if the pre-marital sex issue is bothersome, why not let homosexuals marry? The fact that homosexuals cannot marry precisely because of the sex issue, speaks to a fear not of differences between people, but to a sexual fear that masks one’s ability to absorb anything positive about the underlying orientation.

The direct question remains. Do my partner Angela and I engage in premarital sex? I can tell you with certainty that we do not. We are married in the eyes of God. We had a holy union in October, 2002, and from that moment forward our relationship has been sanctioned and blessed by God, just as a heterosexual marriage is. Our relationship was blessed by God before this union because God was the one who brought us together and began drawing us into spiritual harmony during the five years prior to our union, but the ceremony was the culmination of that process. Did we wait until marriage? No. We’re not infallible. That was part of the process as well.

Marriage is a Christian celebration which spiritually joins two people and their lives. More importantly, a marriage ceremony allows these two people to stand on holy ground before God, and to vow to love and honor one another during every moment of each day. Angela and I made our vows, exchanged rings, and became wed at Cathedral of Hope in Dallas, Texas, and by doing so we entered into a covenant relationship with God. Having a covenant relationship is what’s important. A covenant is an agreement that becomes binding on all parties, and a promise that deepens the significance of the relationship and makes it more valuable than all the other relationships in your life. You cannot take a covenant relationship lightly. God does not take my covenant relationship with Angela lightly. God continues to demand excellence of us—trust, honor, courage, truth, servitude, respect, and love—and we try our best to respond with just that, individually and as a couple. It’s a human thing to cheapen a relationship because it is homosexual.

Sex is part of a marriage relationship, but as any couple will likely say, it is not the thing that defines a healthy relationship. God is much more concerned with the condition of a person’s heart than with the state of affairs in the bedroom. And God is much bigger than a piece of paper from the county courthouse. God is huge. There’s no way to sufficiently stuff God into our tiny, finite human minds. A legally recognized marriage is afforded many more civil rights than one that is not, that is certain, but God’s power to work in a relationship is not connected to any discriminatory earthly amendments or bans, or even to a positive result of a civil rights movement. To put it bluntly, God does not wait on Congress. I’m privileged to have a partner who understands that, and who felt just as humbled as I did the day we entered into a covenant relationship with a force of that magnitude. It was awe inspiring.

I’m not going to say that all couples—homosexual or heterosexual—should marry. Each couple is on a separate journey and should walk the path at a pace that suits them. But you asked, and this is my truth. We don’t engage in premarital sex because we are married in the eyes of God. And to this point, have I even mentioned love? The love I feel for my partner travels much more deeply than any action might display. Love itself makes no effort to categorize those it touches, and yet we still find it necessary to talk about heterosexual love and homosexual love as if they are two different things. Religious dogma may be quick to draw rigid lines and require that love fit inside, but God does no such thing. Love is universal. And it’s only a matter of time before the institution of marriage will be as well.

If we stop letting fear be our guide.