"I've never really understood it, but I think I'm beginning to..."
Repost from the forum at http://www.jenaustin.com. I know not everyone checks the new message board on the website, so just in case you missed it...
Angela and I went back to Nebraska to visit family over Labor Day weekend, and we had a couple of opportunities to sit down and have coffee with my grandma. My grandma and I have always been close. I think she's 87 now. On Monday afternoon while Angela and I were at her house without any other family around, she told me to go look in the display cabinet in the living room, and pay particular attention to the beautiful, sparkly glass dish perched on the top shelf. She said that was the crown jewel of her collection, and she wanted me to have it someday. Since I am the oldest of all of my cousins on that side of the family, I was the one who made this woman a grandmother, and we have always had a tight bond. She told me that same afternoon, that I could do nothing wrong in her eyes no matter how hard I tried. And I haven't really tried all that hard, unless you count the gay thing. My grandma doesn't count it. And by refraining from judgment and loving me unconditionally, I think I'm able to catch a little glimpse of God through her.
My grandma's eyesight isn't the best, and she says she "goes cross-eyed and blurry" if she reads too long, but she dove right into Coming Out Christian. As she read it, she said she would rest every so often, but she found herself going back to it not more than two minutes later, after only a brief walk around the kitchen and back to her favorite, well-lit recliner. I really didn't know how she would respond to the book, so this was a huge boost for me. And she really wanted to talk about it. She needed no provoking from me. My grandma and I have never really had a long conversation about my being a lesbian, but we did last Monday, and Angela was there to participate. Angela was mostly quiet, and just tried to capture the moment. She knew it would be one that I would file away in my sentimental, mental scrapbook and she just tried to soak it all in. The highlight of the conversation came when my grandma said, "No sir, I don't have anything against gay people, but I've never really understood it. But now reading this...I think I'm beginning to."
I get a little verklempt just thinking about the words, and the enthusiastic twinkle that jumped from her eyes as she said them. When validation comes from someone you love and respect this much, the internal ripple effect is pretty profound. My grandma lives in a farmhouse in a little tiny town in rural Nebraska, is surrounded by Republicans, attends a somewhat conservative Methodist church, and has had every reason to jump on the traditional gay-is-a-red-flag bandwagon, but she has used her own mind instead. I provided a reason to really think about what it means to be gay, and now she's in the process of really coming to terms with it.
My grandma probably won't be around to see the bulk of the coming gay/Christian revolution in the United States, but I think she can be credited with contributing to it. And all she did was love me and try to understand. Sometimes the simple things are more than enough.
Angela and I went back to Nebraska to visit family over Labor Day weekend, and we had a couple of opportunities to sit down and have coffee with my grandma. My grandma and I have always been close. I think she's 87 now. On Monday afternoon while Angela and I were at her house without any other family around, she told me to go look in the display cabinet in the living room, and pay particular attention to the beautiful, sparkly glass dish perched on the top shelf. She said that was the crown jewel of her collection, and she wanted me to have it someday. Since I am the oldest of all of my cousins on that side of the family, I was the one who made this woman a grandmother, and we have always had a tight bond. She told me that same afternoon, that I could do nothing wrong in her eyes no matter how hard I tried. And I haven't really tried all that hard, unless you count the gay thing. My grandma doesn't count it. And by refraining from judgment and loving me unconditionally, I think I'm able to catch a little glimpse of God through her.
My grandma's eyesight isn't the best, and she says she "goes cross-eyed and blurry" if she reads too long, but she dove right into Coming Out Christian. As she read it, she said she would rest every so often, but she found herself going back to it not more than two minutes later, after only a brief walk around the kitchen and back to her favorite, well-lit recliner. I really didn't know how she would respond to the book, so this was a huge boost for me. And she really wanted to talk about it. She needed no provoking from me. My grandma and I have never really had a long conversation about my being a lesbian, but we did last Monday, and Angela was there to participate. Angela was mostly quiet, and just tried to capture the moment. She knew it would be one that I would file away in my sentimental, mental scrapbook and she just tried to soak it all in. The highlight of the conversation came when my grandma said, "No sir, I don't have anything against gay people, but I've never really understood it. But now reading this...I think I'm beginning to."
I get a little verklempt just thinking about the words, and the enthusiastic twinkle that jumped from her eyes as she said them. When validation comes from someone you love and respect this much, the internal ripple effect is pretty profound. My grandma lives in a farmhouse in a little tiny town in rural Nebraska, is surrounded by Republicans, attends a somewhat conservative Methodist church, and has had every reason to jump on the traditional gay-is-a-red-flag bandwagon, but she has used her own mind instead. I provided a reason to really think about what it means to be gay, and now she's in the process of really coming to terms with it.
My grandma probably won't be around to see the bulk of the coming gay/Christian revolution in the United States, but I think she can be credited with contributing to it. And all she did was love me and try to understand. Sometimes the simple things are more than enough.
posted by Jen Austin at 12:29 PM
1 Comments:
Thanks for the smile, Jen. I only came out to my 84 year old uber-religious grandmother a month or two ago. All she said was, "I know dear." Later she reminded me that I am still her grandaughter and there is nothing I could do to make her stop loving me. Yeah for wonderful grandmothers! (and great role models!)
Post a Comment
<< Home