20Something

Tonight is the last 20Something meeting before our summer break, and although I think it's always good to take a break and step back in order to become refreshed and begin to see things with a renewed perspective, this particular step back may feel more like withdrawls. I will miss the warmth and inspiration each Wednesday night, and what has become my mid-week inspiration and awareness fix.

20Something is a place for GLBT people from 19-30 to gather to talk about God, to share their past and present spiritual experiences, and to become encouraged by other gay Christians their own age who are successfully reconciling faith and sexuality. I'm one of the leaders of the group, but I feel more like a student most nights, leaving with a feeling of complete inadequacy and awe over the work that God can do in a believer's life if you just open yourself up enough to properly receive it. Homosexuality becomes overwhelmingly irrelevant in this group. Yet that is how we are all connected.

Scot Pankey and I started 20Something November 3rd, 2004 at Cathedral of Hope in Dallas with verve and ambition, yet not knowing what kind of face the group would collectively take on, or if anyone would even show up. About twenty-five 20Somethings came that first night, and Scot and I took turns introducing ourselves to the group by sharing our coming out stories and our skeleton visions for where we thought God might lead us as a group, and we spent the rest of the time answering questions and trying to gain a spiritual feel for where we should begin. We saw a great deal of energy and willingness to learn in the faces of the 20Somethings that night, and after our first real meeting and our first in depth discussion a week later, we sensed that there was already an established wealth of spiritual knowledge and experience in the group. Each 20Something contributed more than he or she knew.

We usually divide into small groups each week and discuss a Bible study about love, peace, spiritual gifts, rejection, listening to God, and the like; whatever happens to be on our hearts at the time. The questions that are raised always spark some great discussion, and often lead to laughter, tears, and most certainly to increased understanding about where we all stand as gay Christians. I wish I had stood so stoically in the face of judgment and condemnation in my early twenties. These 20Somethings are committed to their own truths, and they remain confident in God in the face of judgment from lawmakers, from the religious right, and often from their own parents, grandparents, and siblings. They allow God to work through them despite the obstacles. They truly get it.

Some of these 20Somethings have great relationships with their parents. Some do not. Some are in committed partnerships. Some are not. (We've had one wedding, but more than one breakup.) Some are very comfortable with where they are in their relationship with God at the moment. Some are not. Some possess a certain assuredness that God is the one who created them to be gay, who endorses their gay relationships, and who loves them more profoundly than they could ever possibly understand. Some have not yet taken ownership of this truth. Some came out in their teens, some came out in their twenties, and there are others who remain closeted to co-workers and family members, and who have just barely come out to themselves. But through our shared experience in 20Something, we have all been driven to discover new territory on our spiritual journeys, and we've become increasingly blessed and fortified as members of the family of God. God is alive among us. And no Leviticus toting Southern Baptist can take that away.

Wednesdays may be a bit empty for the next few weeks without this routine spiritual connection, but when we re-convene August 10th I have a feeling we will have gained even more spiritual understanding with which to glorify God and motivate one another to keep seeking. And as we expand from this nucleus and reach out beyond the comfort of the place that we will create, others will begin to view us differently and identify us by our faith and perseverance; not by our minority sexuality. And this is how revolutions--no matter how large or small--are born. God initiates. We respond.

In God's Image

When you hear the name God, what images come to mind? I remember being five or six years old and trying hard to put a face on this Being that my mom spoke of--who had created the world in seven days, sent the Son to die on the cross for us, and who loved us more than she or I could ever imagine--and I became frustrated trying to place at least a relatively familiar face on such an extraordinarily exotic creature. It's still hard for me to attach a picture to something so powerful, eternal, and all-encompassing, even though I've had plenty of time to work on it in the time that has elapsed since the kindergarten years.

One of my most prized possessions growing up was that Golden Book called, My Little Book About God. I think the cover has been redone for subsequent publishings since the 1970's, but looking at it on amazon.com still conjures up that feeling of mystery and intrigue about God that first hit me as I flipped through the pages of this little book at our beige and gold kitchen counter at home in Elwood, Nebraska in the late seventies. I remember picturing God as light back then, but now I'm not sure if that was because I truly knew God to possess a quality of brightness, or if this was a product of the influence of all the seventies gold in the kitchen. Either way I suppose the vision of God as light is accurate.

Somewhere along the way though I began to picture God as a white-haired old man. I think this happened over time, after years of hearing Sunday school and Vacation Bible School references to God using only the male pronoun, and after speaking of God in the same gender-specific terms. And I suppose since I knew God had been around since the beginning of time, I also found it acceptable to attach an elderly body to the already male image. It wasn't until college that I began to detach from this archaic image of God. And since becoming a good deal more socially conscious in recent years, it pains me to think of God as a white-haired old man, looking as if a suit and tie is the only thing that separates this figure from a seat in Congress. Perhaps if God were a member of Congress more affirmative and benevolent legislation would be passed.

It doesn't help that the Bible uses male pronouns to refer to God. Most if not all of the translations still refer to God as He, and when we repeatedly refer to someone we've never seen face to face as he, we can't help but picture the male gender. In our culture and many other cultures across the globe, men seem to be assigned the most power, the most discernment, and the most glory, so it's only natural to assign the same gender to God, who is omniscent, omnipresent, entitled to the most praise and glory. But God is so much greater than men. It's a shame that our minds assign any human traits at all to a being so magnificent and holy.

I make every effort to picture God now as goodness, light, and love. It's hard to attach any concrete images to those terms, but I think it's important not to limit God by attaching words with finite meanings. God is not finite after all. Goodness, light, and love are limitless. If I had to paint a picture of the image of God that is in my head as I write this blog, I would say it's a very bright, fluid Being with edges that are undefined. There are eyes and arms that seem to serve the purpose of welcoming me, but otherwise this Body is pretty free of structure. You try to put words to your vision of God.

It is hard for me to refrain from using He and His at times--especially when I'm speaking and don't have immediate access to the backspace and delete keys--but habits become breakable with practice. Viewing God in more full terms than male pronouns allow is a progressive idea, but one that is necessary if we are to grow in our understanding of God.

Genesis 1:27 (The Message) says :
God created human beings;
he created them godlike,
Reflecting God's nature.
He created them male and female.

We were all created in God's image, both male and female, so God is She as much as God is He, and Mother as much as Father. When I hear someone refer to God as one gender or the other I automatically extract a more full meaning for myself; one that includes both male and female. I guess we all see the world from a unique perspective and assign our own images to God, no matter what arbitrary words happen to be chosen by another person.

To attribute only the male gender to God just seems like we're creating an ocean that is only half as deep as it could be. And we won't discover the true depth without first reconsidering some of the traditions that we have nonchalantly accepted as truth, and then using those findings to expand our definition of God. Mother, Father, Creator, Spirit...help us do that very thing.

Happy Birthday Dad

June 17th is my dad's birthday. He and I have always been close, but we are probably more so now than we have ever been. He's the type of guy you can't help but like. He's the most honest person I have ever known, and he's committed to finishing the things he starts, he's genuinely happy, and he possesses a peace that you can just tell originates deep within, and it's one that not even he can verbalize. His strength is quiet, but mighty.

There was no real discussion of homosexuality while I was growing up, that I can remember anyway. I remember feeling like it was a condemnable offense as I silently pondered it in high school, but I think that feeling came from church, or the news, or from other kids at school and not necessarily my parents. But they are conservative by nature and generally didn't embrace ideas outside the rural Nebraska norm--at least while I was growing up--and homosexuality would have definitely been outside the norm. I remember having one conversation with both my parents about a lesbian that I had become good friends with while in college, and it turned out to be an awkward, hesitant exhange of words. Attempting to point out that homosexuality is a real, valid orientation that does nothing to change the character of a person, I finally said, "What if I turned out to be gay?" After a brief, reflective silence my dad said, "We would just fear that your life would be harder." And that was the end of that.

I came out to my dad in 1998. Actually, my mom did it for me. My mom and I had the big coming out conversation on the phone because I lived in Austin, Texas at the time and she and my dad were in Nebraska, and then she took the news to my dad. I was glad she was willing to do that, because I knew the connection she shared with him would make the news more bearable and carry with it at least some degree of built-in understanding. And it did. My dad was disheartened by the news--or perhaps I should say by the confirmation of something that he likely suspected but had pushed to the back of his mind--but he never threatened to disown me and he never withheld love from me. He had to grieve the loss of a few dreams and let go of any ideas that had included my potential husband, but he willingly went through this process and came through it realizing that nothing much about my American dream had to change. And nothing much has.

I introduced my parents to Angela in Austin at Christmas in 1998, after we had been dating for about four months. They instantly liked her. She's much like my dad, in that she's honest, hard-working, loyal, happy, and at peace. I guess it's true what they say about daughters being attracted to a mate that possesses their fathers' qualities. Mine just came in an unexpected package.

I took Angela to visit my parents at their home in Nebraska for the first time during the summer of 1999, and that turned out to be the first time Angela and my dad really connected. It was on the golf course. Angela hadn't played much at that point but she wanted to learn, and my dad always seemed to be up for eighteen holes and just needed an excuse to play, so it was the perfect match. My dad gave her some pointers on her swing, helped her track down lost balls in the adjacent cornfield (only in Nebraska), and cheered her on after each great shot. There was no gay or straight that day; just family. And it was after that day that I became certain my dad would continue to act selflessly in learning about what it means for a loved one to be gay, and that he would embrace my homosexuality and my homosexual relationship increasingly throughout my life.

Angela and my dad have become great friends. They're usually the ones in charge of the grill anytime the family gets together for a barbecue, and they have a blast marinating and applying dry rub together. They both like to fix things too, and this has led my dad to rejoice in the idea that now he has someone to leave his precious many tools to. The drills and jigsaws would be lost on my sister and me, but Angela will be able to help them live out their assigned destiny.

Angela and I had a holy union on October 18, 2002 and we had a reception at our home the next day. It was a small affair and my parents couldn't make the trip, but they called during the reception to congratulate us both and to officially welcome Angela to the family. That meant the world to both of us. My parents began this journey without much of an understanding of homosexuality, but after putting a face on it and getting to know it despite any fears or reservations they may have had, they have come to the realization that love is love, and it is sweet and honorable no matter what form it takes on. Indeed.

I've always known that my dad loves me and he has told me so on many different ocassions, but it seems to me that he has only recently become truly free with the phrase. I can't help but wonder if that's a product of coming to better understand love as an expression of truth, after having become acquainted with love in a form that does not possess characteristics that our culture at large finds redemptive or worthy, and yet continues to thrive. Perhaps that resonates and helps create an environment in which love is more free to travel back and forth between my dad and me. Or perhaps I have become so much more free in my ability to give and receive love after coming to terms with the truth about myself and after reconciling faith and sexuality, that love finally has an avenue through which to more fully reach me. Regardless, love is circulating. And that's the point.

Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.

God is a Choice

There's a lot of responsibility that comes with being gay. After all, we are the revolutionaries who will teach others the truth about what it means to love and commit to someone whom society at large would not choose for us, and with that comes the pressure to make that relationship as successful and honorable as possible, so that others can come to understand the purpose and meaning behind it. There are many people who will never attempt to see God or any other form of goodness in a gay relationship and who will be quite content missing out on the glory, but there are others we will come across who may not expect to encounter a gay relationship that serves as a spiritual vessel and a way in which God's love enters the world, and it's these people upon whom we can have the most profound impact. The trick is actually unleashing God and letting God be active and visible in our relationships.

Think about it. Satan loves to keep homosexuals bound and gagged. When we're isolated and depressed, there's very little we can do to bring about positive change in the world. And the less likely we are to be able to decipher what God is saying to us. When we're happy and thriving in positive relationships, and when we have freed God from the chains that fear begs us to keep God in... well it's then that we become dangerous.

I have a great new friend who just came into my life in April, and we've become close relatively quickly via phone, email, and IM. She lives out of state. We both often marvel at how many similarities there are between us and how many viewpoints we share, so as Christians, it didn't take us long to agree that God had connected us for a spiritual purpose. But as we began to share more with one another emotionally and become closer friends, we unknowingly began to spend some of the energy that should have been spent on our respective partnerships, on conversations with one another. We realized this in time, but it could have become a very destructive pattern that we could have easily become hopelessy tangled up in. Two gay Christians, in solid gay Christian partnerships... we would be of much more use to Satan underneath a mountain of lesbian drama than as spouses who are committed to our respective partners, trying to bring glory to God in all that we do. We chose God.

Sometimes making the right decision isn't easy. But at least we have a choice. And when we make the right choices, I believe God magnifies the effect, so that the results in the end exceed our initial expectations and impart more goodness than we ever thought possible. Being gay is not a choice, but being someone who makes every effort--even in failure--to bring glory to God most definitely is.

As gay Christians it's quite possible that we've already had more moments of frustration and hopelessness than others, but there is no situation that is beyond repair or positive growth when we turn it over to God. But be prepared, because it's been my experience that when you choose God, God chooses you. And therein lies the responsibility.

Religious Media

There was an article written by Colleen McCain Nelson in the Dallas Morning News yesterday (Sunday, June 5, 2005) entitled, "Christians flocking to religious media" and the sub-headline read, "Turned off by bad news, faithful find salvation in alternative stations."

I am usually delighted to see the word "alternative" in print because it usually refers to something gay and therefore serves as an alert and captures my attention, but in this article this often friendly word was used to describe Christian news outlets, and since they exist outside of the mainstream, they too become worthy of a cool adjective like that. Like most articles that use the words "the faithful" and "believers" to describe what seems like a Christian club with all the answers, I found myself feeling marginalized and dejected after reading this one, like a foreigner might feel visiting an all-Christian country. When I should have known the love, I felt the exclusion.

The article was taking notice of the ways in which many Christians seem to gather and receive news and information in this millenium. Many Christians, the article says, have grown tired of the mainstream media, and are now getting their news from Christian outlets like Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcast Network (CBN), Fort Worth-based FamilyNet, and other religious television and radio stations, Christian magazines, and faith-related websites. Why? Well, in my opinion, Christian media outlets put a unique spin on things. They of course would argue that they don't spin a thing, but I beg to differ.

One example that this newspaper aritcle cited as evidence of the main difference between Christian news stations and the mainstream media, was centered around the Terri Schiavo case. As viewers, you and I will never hear the phrase "right to die" on CBN. That is far too liberal a phrase, and something we would more likely hear on the major networks. In fact, during the most intense news coverage regarding Terri Schiavo, many mainstream journalists spoke of "allowing" Terri Schiavo to die. But Rob Allman, the news director for CBN says in the Dallas Morning News article, "To me, if you were to not give me food or water, that would be forcing me to die."

I don't bring this up in order to make some grandiose statement about who was right and who was wrong in the Terry Schiavo case, but I do think it makes a point about the thought processes of the most conservative Christians, and sheds some light upon the ways in which they view the world. That black and white view doesn't tolerate gray, and as a result there is little room for wondering what if. They find much more comfort in certainty than they do in doubt, and their ability to weed out alternative thoughts and opinions nearly always leaves us with the most narrow end result. There is little room for faith.

The thing that disappoints me the most about this newspaper article, is the way that it unknowlingly paints a picture of Christian media outlets to be the correct, ruling Christian opinion. It makes other media outlets seem not merely secular, but almost anti-Christian in some ways. It's no secret that there are Christians employed in nearly every industry in America so it is certain that there are some amazing spirits delivering the evening news on the major networks, but this article makes it seem as if any story that would be delivered via these mainstream outlets would be tainted with liberal bias. And liberal bias is deemed anti-Christian. To me, the definition of liberal is not anti-Christian at all. A liberal leaves the door open wide enough for anyone to get through, and although a liberal may disagree with the opinion that enters, he or she is not threatened by its existence. Now that is faith-based.

This article made no mention of the Christian media's coverage of the gay marriage issue, or any other stories that would have an immediate impact upon the gay community. But we hear plenty of anti-gay soundbites from them in the mainstream media as it is, and we know exactly how they feel about such things. They label us "the homosexual agenda" and approach us with the underlying assumption that we have fallen off the blessed heterosexual path into something beyond the accepted norm, and in order to be considered true Christians they require us to leave homosexuality behind. To accept us as we are, would cast doubt onto something that has always been a certainty, and this is enough to cause them to reject the idea of embracing homosexuality. That's okay. Rejection by a few is tolerable. But when that rejection is given flight and made to be the ruling opinion (that is, you should deny homosexuality is valid because conservative Christian leaders on conservative Christian news broadcasts reject it), then I think a line is crossed. And Pat Robertson has plenty to say about the wrongfulness of homosexuality. Just ask Mel White and others. And Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcast Network is one of the most popular sources for Christian-based news. The news that comes from this station will have this conservative slant.

It's great that Christian news organizations exist. They can be a wonderful source of information and they can often provide us with a different perspective. But there is danger when we begin to see the news that these sources provide as sole representation of a collective Christian viewpoint. That's the feeling I was left with after reading the Dallas Morning News article. It seemed to say that there was Christian news and there was secular news. As a Christian, I want to do the most Christian thing. And I don't think that involves subscribing to a black and white opinion, when my Christian outlook tends to be most often gray. It's still Christian.

I believe we can all benefit from gathering information from a variety of sources, Christian media included. But we should remember that the "most Christian" viewpoint does not come from one news source over another, or one Christian leader over another. The "most Christian" viewpoint comes from within, because it's our own faith that will process it all. Relying on a single source (other than God) for wisdom only hinders that development.

The True Christian

Acting upon homosexual tendencies does not leave a gap between the homosexual and God, and homosexuality is not some lifestyle or behavior that must first be abandoned before we can become true Christians. Homosexuality and Christianity are not mutually exclusive terms.

I have uttered these phrases on many ocassions and I don't want to sound like a repetitive one-trick pony, but it seems that there is always a new, valid reason to repeat these things. Take the following letter for example. It's from an associate pastor at a church in Tennessee who emailed me a month or two ago after randomly surfing the net and landing on my website. I thought my views on homosexuality and Christianity would have become apparent after a second or two reading the thoughts and posts on my site, but in one email he asked me why, as a Christian, I happened to be so interested in the gay community. It was as if he were talking to me "true Christian to true Christian" for a second there, as if for that moment it happened to be the two of us against the gays. After we had exchanged a few emails I reminded him that I was a gay Christian, and I flat out asked for his opinion on homosexuality in response. I do this frequently, with various people, even though I'm certain I won't like every answer that comes back to me. I figure it's good to ask questions and be challenged because it allows me to appreciate the fullness of my connection with God--how far I have come and how far I have yet to go. Challenges make my own faith more visible.

I think this pastor in Tennessee represents a widespread sentiment. Here are some excerpts from the letter:

Well, you asked for my opinion about being gay and about being a Christian. I believe that once a person becomes a Christian, it is their primary responsibility to pursue God in a relationship, and one that puts sin in the past. I classify sin as anything that is not God honoring and disobeying what Gods rules are. I believe 1 Peter 1:16 sums up what we should be doing in our Christians is to "be holy, as he is holy." So, therefore, we should throw away everything that causes us not to pursue holiness.

Also, I believe that God ordained marriage to be between a man and a woman. I believe that the Bible clearly speaks of this and homosexuality is something that God hates. That to me is evident throughout scripture. However, I believe as the cliché' goes, "Love the sinner, hate the sin". That goes for anyone and everyone. So, in the case of homosexuality, if a person is pursuing God, and claims to be a Christian, they are striving to be holy and putting off everything that slows them down of that. I believe that a person can be a Christian and struggle with homosexual tendencies, because of temptation, but I do not believe that a person can be a Christian and practice homosexuality.

I agree with much of what he says. I agree that once a person becomes a Christian it becomes his or her primary responsibility to pursue God in a relationship. And I agree somewhat that sin can be classified as anything that is not God-honoring, although I think there are some things that are simply neutral and not sinful. For example, scratching my head doesn't really honor God, but it doesn't dishonor God either. It's just an action. There are many of these insignificant movements in life. So I think it's better to say anything that becomes an obstacle between a person and God can be classified as sin. My homosexual relationship is certainly not an obstacle. Rather it propels me toward God at a rate that I could never achieve on my own, and it has become one of the ways in which love flows through me and enters the world, which is exactly the type of vessel that Jesus called us to become. So this relationship is evidence of God, and God is honored by it. And as a result, the hetero or homosexuality of it becomes irrelevant.

Heterosexuality does not equal holiness. This associate pastor assumes that homosexuality is one of the things that we must "throw away" on the path to holiness, and with that comes the underlying assumption that homosexuality is in itself sinful, and that heterosexuality in itself, is not. But I believe both homosexuality and heterosexuality are in themselves morally neutral, and it is a matter of what one does from each base that can turn that particular root sexuality into a path to either sinfulness or holiness.

This idea that God ordained marriage to be between a man and a woman...where does it come from? Is it Biblical? I know there were marriages in the Bible, but where does it say this is the only acceptable union? The idea that marriage can only be between a man and woman seems to be a tradition more than a commandment. I don't think God sees gender as much as God sees the condition of the heart, and if two hearts commit and become one in a covenant relationship, gender then becomes irrelevant. This becomes more clear when we begin to see ourselves in terms of our spiritual bodies rather than physical bodies.

How does one "practice homosexuality?" I would love to know, because if it is true that practice makes perfect I could really make some big strides and perhaps end up a model homosexual someday. Does one practice heterosexuality? The word "practice" implies that sexuality is a behavior, when in actuality, sexuality is simply an underlying root attraction that allows one person to achieve intimacy with another. I think heterosexuals have an understanding of this concept and they would probably agree that this definition can aptly describe the basis of their natural attraction to members of the opposite sex, but when it comes to attempting to understand a same-sex attraction, they switch gears and propose that homosexual actions are not a natural expression of a true root, but rather a defective extension of some underlying seed of corruption. But true love in any form certainly does not feel corrupt. And with all of the peace, joy, and other fruits of the Spirit that stem from this love as evidence, there is no way it can be considered corrupt. These things do not come from sin. It's actually good news that it is a misunderstanding about the root of homosexuality that causes others to classify it as sin and condemn it on that basis. The condemnation does not come from truth, or from the Creator for that matter.

It's odd that this associate pastor would consider me to be justified as a Christian as long as I am "struggling with homosexual tendencies," and then assume that I would cross the Christian taboo line when I end the struggle and accept the truth about myself. Accepting the truth allows me to become content and joyful (two wholesome qualities which God authors and ordains), yet in the eyes of many Christians I become a social deviant at the very least, and perhaps even a non-Christian. That's quite a leap, but one that many people make. I have several friends from conservative families who have experience with ex-gay ministries, and they tell me that as a rule, people stick with you in the struggle, or as long as they think there is hope that you might change. But as soon as the self-acceptance process is complete and you become assured of the truth of your convictions, the support network disintegrates. I guess they assume you're past the point of rescue at that point. But that's okay. The important thing is that we do find acceptance for ourselves and that we do become certain that we are justified in our truth. God is in the assuredness.

The overall urgency of this letter seems to be to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles" and to "run with perseverance the race marked out for us." (Hebrews 12:1) That is indeed my mission, and it is the mission of hundreds of other gay Christians that I have come into contact with. Homosexuality is not what slows us down. It's far too good, healthy, and joyful at the core. Judgment and criticism from others within the Christian community are the things that launch us into periods of self-doubt and spiritual hesitancy, and it is this injustice that we must continue to counter with truth, faith, and fixed determination. This takes practice, but with God as the author and perfector of our faith, practice will make perfect. And the approval of others will cease to matter.