You Need God

I posted a blog in May entitled, "In gay relationships, is all sex premarital?"

In the blog my main thesis was this: My partner Angela and I do not engage in premarital sex because we are married in the eyes of God. Premarital sex is an umbrella term that has been used to describe sex that occurs outside of marriage, and though we are not legally married, we have had a holy union ceremony during which we stated our vows before God, and from that point forward we have been in a holy covenant relationship with God as spouses. God is the one who joined us together, and God is the one who sustains us, which means our relationship has the same roots as most heterosexual Christian marriages. A supplemental piece of paper from Denton County and the state of Texas would do nothing to embellish that foundation.

Although that spiritual thread in the blog is quite obvious to me, earlier this week an anonymous writer left this short and not so sweet comment: "You need God!"

My first instinct is to take this comment at face value and agree wholeheartedly. I absolutely need God! Without God I would be an empty shell that wanders aimlessly through life and gleans little fulfillment from much of anything. I would consistently flounder in my own bad decisions and I would reach dead end after dead end in my career, in my relationships, and in my attempts at self-reflection. I need God every moment of every day.

To state the obvious, saying that someone needs God means that God seems to be missing from the person's life. This is due to one of two things. Either God really is absent (or should I say disregarded--God is never absent); or, God's absence is simply perception and not reality. In this case, it's the latter.

Did anyone see the GLAAD awards on Logo Sunday night? Jon Stewart was not present to accept his award, but he taped an acceptance speech, and to address the predominantly gay audience he began with, "Hello Godless Sodomites...I mean, good evening." Hilarious! And dead on. Many people think GAY stands for Godless Aimless Yahoos. Jon Stewart was wise and compassionate enough to know that there is no truth in that, and to crack the joke in the direction of the conservatives who believe it. Point taken.

Love is an expression of truth. My partner, Angela, knows how much I love her, and I know how much she loves me. And God knows the condition of our hearts. The energy that exists between us is a vibrant source of constant renewal that remains inaccessible to those who judge and condemn us, and it is one vehicle that God uses to bless us and strengthen us. We most certainly have God in our lives, individually and in our partnership. And the dozens of other gay couples around us allow God to work in their lives in the same manner. Thankfully, none of us can be held responsible for the way others react to our expression of truth.

But if others persist in telling us we need God, perhaps we should claim God a bit more boldly. Perhaps then reality will be able to rise up and shatter perception, leaving no room for doubt.

The Curious Cashier

I've been on vacation visiting family in Nebraska for the past week, so I've been concentrating more on golf and family bonding than blogging lately. I should be able to update more regularly now. Thanks for continuing to check back.

Angela and I spent most of our vacation at my parents' house in rural Nebraska, which is always a refreshing change from the high energy buzz of Dallas-Fort Worth. The only traffic congestion we ever run into in rural Nebraska is that caused by a John Deere tractor trying to make it from one field to the next via the highway, and even then there is usually only a car or two coming from the opposite direction. If we wait ten seconds we're able to pass quite easily.

The people in the rural Midwest sure don't seem to be stressed about much. Though they may be relatively free of stress, I've never considered the majority of Midwesterners to be free with thought, especially when it comes to matters like homosexuality. The only exposure I had to homosexuality growing up in the Midwest came in the form of an occasional off-color joke in the hallways at school, or during a church sermon about its alleged wrongfulness. The lack of relatable examples caused me to carry a good deal of internalized homophobia into my early twenties and allowed me to live in sort of a homosexual cocoon that wouldn't be stripped away until I moved to a more metropolitan environment in Austin, Texas. Perhaps the people who still reside in towns of six or seven hundred in the rural Midwest aren't as much judgmental as they are sheltered. It takes exposure to homosexuality to truly embrace it. But as visibility continues to increase, understanding will follow.

When I came out to my parents several years ago, their initial reaction was one of shock and disappointment, but as they have allowed themselves to learn about the source of my contentment and to get to know me as one half of a healthy, uplifting same-sex relationship over the past seven years, they have become fully supportive. Now when we visit them and as Angela and I retire for the night and retreat to the same bed in my old room, my parents give us both hugs goodnight and tell us to sleep tight, just as they would if I were in a heterosexual marriage. They certainly don't act as if we are bringing any so-called wickedness into their midst. They react to our love with more love, and for that I'm deeply grateful.

One day last week after Angela and I had finished eighteen holes of golf with my dad, the three of us stopped at the grocery store to pick up some spare ribs to throw on the smoker for a cookout with my aunt and grandmother that evening. As we were checking out, the woman at the cash register wondered aloud if we were both daughters, so my dad introduced me as his daughter, and then introduced Angela as a my friend from Texas. When we got into the car a few minutes later, my dad immediately asked how we normally like to be introduced, and we said primarily as a spouse or partner, but if we feel like we might be in danger of being subsequently stoned by religious conservatives, then "roommate" will do just fine. Although I'm content with my homosexuality now, there is still a part of me that wimps out when there is the potential for a negative reaction, and "roommate" seems to be the safest default word in that case.

I know that my dad has come a long way since learning about my homosexuality all those years ago, but his reaction to the cashier surprised me a bit--in a good way. He told us he didn't really care what people thought, and that he would introduce us from that point on in whatever manner we felt comfortable. He was more worried about offending us than he was about ruffling small town feathers. I didn't expect him to be so bold, especially since he's a community leader and an elected official in the county where he lives. But then I guess that's why he's so well-repected. He's honest, unashamed, and committed to his family.

Even when I have moments of insecurity, my dad remains a constant source of strength. And he's proof that when a person allows him or herself to be guided by love and not by fear, it's possible for all parties to become enlighted and uplifted. For me, committing to this truth--as well as renewing unconditional love for myself--are matters not only of faith, but of absolute necessity. It's a good thing life is a process.

The Church Search

I was speaking with a new friend via email last week when she asked whether or not I thought it was beneficial to attend a church that did not accept homosexuality as a valid orientation. She's a single lesbian who wants to plug in to a group of Christians and find a church home, but she is geographically limited. I have been in a similar place. Nebraska wasn't exactly a hotbed for homosexual inclusion when I lived there, and even Austin had its drawbacks. I'm sure everyone has a different opinion on how to handle this based upon individual experience, so there is really no short answer.

When I came out ten years ago, churches were not as accepting as many have grown to be today. The Methodists have adopted an open door policy, the Episcopal Church has consecrated an openly gay bishop, and other smaller churches are beginning to welcome GLBT worshippers upon their own initiative. The climate is gradually changing. But it would change with much more voracity if Catholics, Southern Baptists, and the like would listen to the gay Christians who are trying to explain to them that homosexuality and Christianity are not mutually exclusive, and simply give us the opportunity to peacefully co-exsist under the same Christian umbrella. Perhaps as we continue to come out of the gay Christian closet and learn to display our faith on a more basic, routine level, these defenders of the faith will begin to realize that it is indeed God who works in us, and not the dreaded ungodliness that they work so hard to contain and extinguish.

Angela and I are blessed now to have found a church in the Cathedral of Hope in Dallas that we can identify with and which understands us on the most basic level. Many churches that we visited before we found CoH seemed to be speaking to everyone but us, as if we simply had a temporary guest pass that would allow us to witness a private worship service for the day. Of course these services weren't private, but the exclusionary air we breathed during the services certainly made it seem as if homosexuals would be automatic intruders; so we didn't come out.

We developed a sneak in-sneak out mentality so we wouldn't make waves, and although we were able to gain spiritual insight from the scripture readings and sermons, we were so hesitant in our interactions with other worshippers that we gained nothing from the fellowship. This was our own fault, but it was difficult to reach out and make a concerted effort to get to know others when the line of questioning always seemed to include, "Would you ladies be interested in attending our Friday night singles mixer?" If that question were to come at me today I would no doubt come out, and explain that since Angela is my spouse there is really no need for either of us to be lumped in with the singles. But neither of us was that secure back then, so we made ourselves somewhat emotionally unavailable to the other worshippers and just harvested what we could from the sermons. In other words, our church experience was all take and no give. To be successful and gratifying, a church experience should have both.

Christianity on the whole is divided over the issue of homosexuality, so individual churches are varied in their inclusion. Few churches actually embrace homosexuality. Ellen's coming out episode comes to mind when she said, "No one ever bakes you a cake and says "Good for you! You're gay!" Now that would be a church social. Although they don't always embrace to this degree, many churches do invite homosexuals to worship, become members, and become involved, without ever issuing judgment or condemnation. There are other churches which welcome homosexual worshippers while continuing to reject homosexuality itself (the "love the sinner hate the sin philosophy), thinking that if these homosexuals are fed enough of the proper spiritual food they will be rehabilitated and cleansed. But it's fruitless to put ourselves in a position where we're constantly offered something we don't need. That's distracting and annoying. If we don't come out at all and the church remains unaware that it has homosexual worshippers in its midst, it will certainly receive us without hestitation and with vested enthusiasm. But this is fruitless as well because it does little to serve God, gay worshippers, or the church.

Cathedral of Hope does embrace homosexuality. The first time we walked in the building and saw over five hundred GLBT Christians worshipping together we were speechless; awestruck by the Spirit of the place. We consistently find love, joy, peace, and understanding there--all fruits of the Spirit, and the reasons we keep going back. If you find these things in any church, hang on to it. Genuine understanding, of course, is the hardest to find.

Once we all find a place where we can let our guard down and worship God comfortably, it's tempting to splinter off with this group and stop looking outside of the borders we create. But if we keep to our own predominantly homosexual churches, we will become increasingly satisfied with our own Christian cliques, and we will be denying ourselves the opportunity for the growth that comes with reaching beyond that which we've grown accustomed to. I know it is a Cathedral of Hope philosophy to welcome all persons without regard to race, gender, age, sexual orientation, or anything else divisively human, which successfully counters the temptation to build our own little gay Christian fort and shut the rest of the world out. It is still predominantly gay at present, but there is nothing to stop it from growing into a melting pot in the future. I hope more churches follow suit and openly welcome all people, so the lines that typically divide churches can become officially blurred, and the only reason to attend one church over another will be related to its geographical proximity or its worship style. We will become able to select our churches by preference and not necessity.

Ultimately, we should all go where God leads us. Angela and I have been led to a predominantly gay church. This is geographically possible for us. Others are drawn to churches that are predominantly heterosexual, either for geographical reasons or simply because they prefer them. Whatever the case, I think it's wise to be completely open and honest about our homosexual orientation and to present ourselves as gay Christians from the very beginning. I wasn't mature enough to take my own advice six or eight years ago, but now I see the dire importance in it.

We can't become true vessels through which God can feverishly work until we completely open ourselves up and become willing to display that portion of God which few believe exists. Few believe and even fewer understand that all love has its origin in God; ours included. This will not become more widely recognized until we let God tell the truth through us and through our relationships. Whether we display this power in a church where the people around us are similar or whether they are different is really irrelevant. We are one in God and if we continue to seek the creator of the connection, the give and take that is vitally important in anyone's relationship with the church can begin to fill us up and spill out toward those around us.

Romans 12: 4-5 (NIV) says:

Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

We belong. And the extent to which we own that is the extent to which we make a difference.

The Christian Left

Just once it would be nice to hear a soundbite or read a quote in the national media from a liberal Christian, or someone who identifies with the Christian left. The Christian right, as we all know, is so well represented that you can hardly turn on the television or open a newspaper without being bombarded with snippets of the so-called movement to defend "traditional values," and to "save America" from the impending doom which those outside conservative Christian circles evidently intend to inflict. The Christian right gets plenty of press. It's almost as if journalists keep a default list of potential Christian soudbites in their rolodex, and call the people who are sure to deliver them whenever they happen to need a Christian perspective on a story about abortion, gay marriage, or other issues that are sure to spark moral debate. It's great that Christians have a voice. The problem is, this voice has been primarily singular to this point and not representative of Christianity on the whole.

I would define what I think it means to be a member of the Christian left, but the liberal in me hesitates to categorize anyone for fear that I too will end up boxed in by one more limiting and presumptuous label. But I know this about liberal Christians - they are free thinkers, they will openly share what they have discovered to be truth, and they do not fear change. Their lives are faith-based and not fear-based.

The Christian left is probably just as large as the Christian right, but it is not nearly as vocal or as organized. The Christian right can mobilize its troops more quickly and with more enthusiasm than most organizations on the planet it seems, and so the task to counter them can often seem insurmountable and therefore not worth the effort. But this only gives the Christian right more energy and a veritable stranglehold on Christian opinion, at least as it is presented to the masses. The good news is, the Christian right does not own Christian thought. There are other angles from which to approach the faith, and the Christian left must become empowered enough to let that truth filter through, and in doing so, balance out the power of the right and put an end to the faith monopoly once and for all.

The t-shirts are right...Jesus was a liberal. He was peaceful, compassionate, and an advocate for social justice. And although he may not send us out as an army commander would send out his troops (in fact he would probably be offended if similarities could be drawn between war and any social effort), he would be proud to lead a group of people who were willing to rise up and speak the liberal truth with peace, energy, and conviction. So let's do it. And as we continue to seek Jesus and find him in our individual journeys, we will become better, more impassioned vehicles for peace and justice. At that point the media will have to recognize us has having a valid Christian opinion, and they will naturally begin to more actively include us as part of the coverage regarding moral issues.

I don't believe God has said everything God intends to say before the end of time, and perhaps social revolution is one of the ways in which God will speak to us in the coming years. New ways of thinking can reveal fascinating truths about who God is if we remain open to the possibilities. And as new truths become accepted--namely, as homosexuality becomes better assimilated into the Christian faith--I think the media will play a vital role in illustrating that new ideas cannot automatically be poised as threats to the Christian faith. The alarmists who live fear-based lives are the ones who inflict the damage. The new ideas, in themselves, cause no harm.

The Christian right may be in the business of protecting and defending the precious (and often failed) status quo, but the Christian left in the coming years will increasingly become exhibitors of the unbridled truth that God is not finished, and will embrace the new ways of thinking that will propel us all toward higher levels of understanding.

Besides, if faith is faith, do we really need to defend it?

The Arrival of Logo

Today is a great day. I checked my email first thing this morning, and sitting in my inbox along with my daily newsletter from CBSsportsline, the Cathedral of Hope devotional, and a newsletter from Pottery Barn announcing a bed and bath sale, there was a letter from MTV Networks, saying Logo was being added to the Directv lineup. Thank God! (Logo debuted nationally last night on several other cable systems, but we have Directv at our house so this company has the biggest impact upon our television viewing happiness.) I let out such a whoop upon reading the news this morning, that Anthony, my co-worker in the Kiss studio, might have thought I had just won some sort of email lottery. Close enough. Many of those emails to our congressional representatives have been in vain lately, but at least the executives at Directv and other worthy companies across the entertainment industry have figured out that the gay population is worth its while. Let's support them.

ABC News did a story about Logo last night. I always get nervous when I hear a tease at the beginning of a newscast that includes the phrases "culture wars" and "conservative Christians," because what follows can usually be likened to a swift kick in the cargo pants in an effort to get us lesbians to straighten up and wear something more business casual. It always stings a bit to hear that a Christian doesn't accept you as you are. But I stayed tuned. The intro to the story went something like this: "The 24-hour cable channel for gays. Some say it's long overdue, and some see it as an assault on children." Statements like that last one almost always invoke an immediate, "What?!" I almost laughed. I will never understand how merely broadcasting a reflection of the reality that surrounds one quite benevolent portion of the population can be construed as an assault of any kind. Reflections are not assaults; they are neutral impressions designed to speak the truth. The fact that a select few refuse to see the beauty does nothing to diminish that power.

The very existence of a television channel like Logo seems to be enough to send conservative Christians into a tailspin. ABC News interviewed one woman from Concerned Women for America for this story, who seemed to be on a personal crusade to rid the world of all things homosexual. She said the existence of Logo was an indoctrination effort, and that homosexuals were "targeting our children to change their point of view; to make them comfortable with a different lifestyle and to make them see it as normal." I see. So really, it's not about her and her fear of someone who has a sexual orientation different from her own; it's about the children. That's who she's protecting and defending. Should we have them watch Desperate Housewives instead?

I think most children are growing up now with a gay friend or family member nearby, and if that is not the case then perhaps they have a friend at school with two daddies or two mommies. These children are often much more receptive than their own parents are, I suppose because they are guided by love and trust, and not by fear. And tuning into a television show that includes same sex relationships will not turn a child gay, if that's what this woman is wondering, because all those years of watching heterosexuals on TV obviously didn't rub off on me or the millions of other homosexuals out there who grew up with Eight is Enough and The Cosby Show. Homosexuality comes from the inside, not the outside. Perhaps these Concerned Women for American are concerned only for that portion America which most closely resembles their own.

ABC News also gathered from conservative Christians that Logo is just one symptom of a larger problem, and that is that popular culture has become overloaded with pro-gay messages, and as a result, there are very few corners of the world left to which one can flee to escape them. Precisely. Gay is pro. Being gay is a positive thing, and society is beginning to realize the truth in that. The secret is out--different does not equal incorrect. There is no need to flee.

At the end of the story one gay activist was quoted as saying, "The real reason conservative Christians should be worried about Logo, is that if Americans tune in and get a fuller, more realistic picture of homosexuals, they may no longer want to deny them their rights." There could not have been a better summarizing thought. The reason that we are continually denied rights is that there is a fundamental misunderstanding that exists over where the root of homosexuality lies. Some think it is a wicked deviation from the norm, and others know it to be an inherent truth that brings with it love, peace, and joy. Hopefully Logo is one medium that will begin to bridge that gap.

I've had my TV on Logo for the last two hours, and I haven't seen one impassioned gay kiss or love scene, and there have been no commercials for condoms, vibrators, or various black leather accoutrements. Perhaps those will come later. (I have heard some mentions of Tylenol PM, and we all know that's so gay.) It would benefit us to take a lesson from Logo, and put the focus on people and their relationships rather than on whatever imagined sexual escapades one might think that they are be involved in. It would be nice if conservative Christians would approach homosexuality from a place of love--or at least neutrality--rather than fear. This would go a long way toward gaining understanding--an understanding that most of the rest of America already has. But perhaps understanding is what conservative Christians are most afraid of, because it might cause them to question things that they have always known to be true, and as a result they might have to re-evaluate their definition of God. That's called growth.

Logo's enemies are making the assumption that this new channel is a loveless, godless farce, but it is not. The truth is there. You just have to be willing to see it.