Looking back on 2005

2005 has been a great year. There's so much to reflect on and to be thankful for, it's hard to know where to begin.

Our second niece, Ciara, was born January 11th and our first nephew, Gavin, was born on the 24th, so we spent the first couple of months of the year going gah-gah over babies and spending time with family. Those were some of the warmest and most memorable moments of 2005. My sister and her two daughters ended up moving back home to Nebraska over the summer, but we just returned from visiting them over the holidays and they're all doing well. If only Nebraska had pro sports teams, more Starbucks per capita, and opportunities for career growth... Ah well. We always enjoy our visits there and we wish we lived closer to family, but both career and spiritual opportunities continue to light up in Dallas.

Angela and I started to develop some fantastic new relationships in 2005. Most of these friendships were born out of spiritual connections that formed at 20Something at Cathedral of Hope, and God continues to amaze us with the ways in which this community grows and develops. I've also made some fantastic friendships through my website and through my job in radio, and many of those have become an inspiration for both Angela and me. I guess God is showing us part of the blessing that can be in store when we become more faithful about opening ourselves up to others, and becoming active examples of the ways in which God works in our lives. Truth, unconditional love, and faith can have a tremendous impact upon relationships and can inspire growth in others beyond what we can even comprehend. Angela and I have become better partners, better friends, and better Christians because of these unique spiritual relationships.

I've learned numerous things about faith this year. God has challenged me to dig deeper on several occasions, and on each of those I've discovered a capacity for wisdom and faith that I never even know I had. God sure knows what buttons to push to get us to grow. I've been spirutally challenged--even attackted in some cases--by members of the Christians Right who disagree with the idea that homosexuality is embraced by God, and through those encounters it has become increasingly apparent to me that nothing can shake a faith that is rooted in prayer and love. What it all boils down to is a relationship between the individual and God, and if that relationship is fluid and alive with mindfulness, responsivenss, and love, then nothing that comes toward it from the outside can do any harm. Those things can initiate a search for more konwledge and a deeper truth, but they cannot destroy.

During the last two months of 2005, God has again proven to me that profound spiritual joy is independent of circumstances, and no matter how many doors seem to close another always opens. It seems that I have to re-learn these lessons quite a bit, but I'm hoping that this is the time they stick. By golly I think I've got it. I've been in a professional transition for the past several weeks and although at times it has seemed as if Angela and I were being presented with nothing but dead ends, new opportunities have since risen up out of that uncertainty and now I'm actually excited about what is next. 2006 will bring certain change, but every time I have reached this point of transition in the past, God has led me to into a new situation that was even better than the last, not always by human standards but by spiritual standards. I have no doubt that as God moves in my life over the next few weeks, the most desirable spiritual footing will follow.

So here are some summarizing thoughts about what I've learned this year. God knows best. A deep, prayer-filled breath is always necessary. A great new friend might just be an email away. Openness, awareness, and devotion combine to give God an environment in which to work. Stepping out in faith breeds opportunity. Attempting to put a cap on what God can or will do in our lives is actually self-limiting and a self-fulfilling prophecy. Babies are miracles. Families provide a human framework for our spiritual growth. Community makes prosperity possible. Gay Christians are a fantastic illustration of what it means to love God despite the obstacles, and they are happy about it. God loves us back. And the best place to be is the spot where God puts us. Life is fluid and circumstances change, so we might as well enjoy the ride.

I hope you've had a great 2005 as well. May we all come to know God even more intimately in 2006. Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas

We're leaving for Nebraska in about twelve hours and I can't wait. We visited family there in July, but since we have two nieces there under the age of three it's hard to let that much time pass between visits. We're making the drive with all four dogs so it will be an adventure.

When I was growing up my mom always walked around the house singing, "Oh I yus go nuts at Christmas, it's a yolly holiday" at every available opportunity. I tell people that sometimes and they look at me like I'm a total loon and the only one in the world who has ever heard that song. Maybe they're just not familiar with those intricate German phrasings of "just" and "jolly." Swap j's with y's and anything can become German. Unless it's my first name and then it becomes Japanese. Anyway, there will be moments of full-on "Oh I yus go nuts at Christmas" choruses at my parents' house in the coming days and I can't wait. It's always the times of silly, fun bonding that provide the most vivid memories and make you want to visit them again.

Pat Saxon wrote today's devotion for Cathedral of Hope and she echoed the thoughts of many when she said:

"I wonder what miraculous and unlikely birth awaits you this Christmas season? Don't say it can't happen. Though you may feel as if it's the dead of winter in your life, as if it's the darkest of nights, God gestates the seed of new life, which in the fullness of time will be born. Sarah, Elizabeth, Lazarus, Paul, to name but a few, all discovered this truth. Christ is born in us ordinary men and women this day, this season, in the coming seasons. That is truly a Christmas miracle.

Holy God, I give you thanks for unlikely birth, birth that comes from death and pain, birth that comes from barrenness, birth that comes even to our homeless hearts. All praise and glory to you for the wonder of incarnation, the incarnation of your Son, our savior Jesus Christ, and for the incarnation of the Christ-self in us. Amen."

Have a blessed Christmas.

Brokeback Mountain

We saw Brokeback Mountain on Friday and we left the theater in tears, and with the kind of heavy feeling that only comes around when it seems like some sort of injustice has won. Even though the movie was incredibly sad and frustrating at times, it also left us with the feeling that we are blessed to be living in this new millennium when homophobia doesn't have quite the power that it used to.

On the way out of the theater I said it seems like most gay people still struggle with feeling closeted to some degree; if not on a grand scale then at the very least like we can't be truly open around certain family members, co-workers, or even other Christians. It's funny that the fear of what another Christian might think has the power to keep us from being completely honest with ourselves and with one another. It seems better as a Christian to encourage complete honesty, embrace one another no matter what, and trust in God's ability to put us each on the path that will produce the most spiritually positive results. Our lives should be about openly sharing the truth that God has planted in us, but instead we often tailor that truth to please those around us. But it's easy to sit here and blog about how things ought to be in a perfect world. In reality, fear is a powerful motivator and it can keep us from reaching out beyond our comfort levels. When we don't work to overcome fear it keeps us tightly restrained and stationary, and the movie painted that picture with vivid clarity.

I loved the movie's ending. I won't give it away, but I have to say that it was a powerful reminder about just how eternal and all-encompassing love is. No matter how closeted we can be at times and no matter how persistently we allow that to interfere with our own potential happiness, love remains in the end. Perhaps I should say love survives. And it serves as proof enough that the relationships we enter into during the course of our lives have profound meaning and that they are inherently good at the core. It was great to see Brokeback Mountain give that sentiment a voice.

Mass Delusions - One more thing

In Eddie's response to the first "Mass Delusions" post he said:

1. The complementary structure of the male and female anatomy is obviously designed for the normal husband-wife relationships. Clearly, design in human biology supports heterosexuality and contradicts homosexuality.

2. The combination of male and female enables man (and the animals) to produce and nurture offspring as commanded in Genesis 1:28�'Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth'. This command is repeated to Noah after the Flood (Genesis 8:15-17). But procreation is not the only reason God made humans as sexual beings. The BUWA report affirms 'that sexual intimacy between husband and wife is good, and is intended by God for bonding, pleasure and procreation.'

3. Thirdly, God gave man and woman complementary roles in order to strengthen the family unit. Woman was to be the helper that man needed (Genesis 2:18). However, the woman's role as the helpmate is certainly not an inferior one. The enterprising God-fearing woman in Proverbs 31:10-31 is an inspiring role model.

I'll agree with Eddie's first point that heterosexuals--on the face of it anyway--sure do seem to fit together physically. But in typical fundamentalist style, the premature conclusion is drawn here that this is the only acceptable means of sexual interaction. To be blunt, are we to assume that heterosexuals utilize only the missionary position every time they have sexual relations? I don't have much experience where that is concerned, but it seems to me that most heterosexuals venture outside that comfort zone often, and if the missionary position is the assemblage of two perfect puzzle pieces, then the creativity that most heterosexuals employ would probably lead to something that looks more like a junior high art project gone awry. Please. To narrow the definition of what is an acceptable sexual position simply to exclude those whose comfort zone happens to differ, borders on absurd and speaks not to some type of commandment, but to a sexual fear that cannot stop itself from erring on the side of conservatism.

In response to the second point, the combination of male and female does allow for procreation. But it does not guarantee a proper nurturing relationship. It should not be implied that two members of the same sex could not properly nurture a child. I would argue that the condition of the heart should be considered and a judgment should be made only after things like kindness, character, patience, and other fruits of the spirit have been displayed. Luke 6:45 says: "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Children are nurtured by the overflow of the heart, not by gender.

And in response to the third point, I'm sure God did give men and women complementary roles in order to strengthen the family unit. But again, this only paints a partial picture. More than a gender, God created a heart that is capable of completmenting another heart and thereby strengthening a family unit. We're way too obsessed with physical characteristics, categories, and limits, and with putting everything into a nice tidy little compartment in order to make sense of the world. God is concerned with the heart. Angela is my perfect complement. She is more mechanical-minded than I am and she is not afraid to take on what I might consider to be daunting home improvement projects. I bake a better quiche than she does. She is the voice of reason when I start to worry. I provide a professional drive that encourages her. The point is God does partner us with someone who will become our perfect complement, but this is independent of our gender.

God is good and if we align our hearts with that Spirit, our lives become an expression of that goodness. Others will probably always stamp us with whatever label makes them feel the most at ease--different, odd, perverted, sinful--but their lack of understanding doesn't mean that we have become those things. It doesn't make us wrong. It makes us misunderstood. And I can live with that.

2 Thessalonians 3:5 --May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance.

Life is a journey and as we continue on together, it's my prayer that we might not narrow our definitions of what goodness is, but instead that we might expand those definitions and become increasingly willing to discover God in new and unconventional ways. To God be the glory. Amen.

What God wants

My friend Anna said something that really resonated with me today as we were emailing back and forth about something that has been weighing heavily on my mind. I'm in a transition period right now with a fair amount of uncertainty, and she put things in perspective when she said, "Truth is, if God wants you there ... you will be there. Do you ever think of it like that? Deep down, you really want what God wants, anyway."

She's absolutely right. If God desires for me to have this opportunity or that, there is no way to stop that from happening. If it doesn't happen, there is no reason in the world why I should want it to.

I always try to approach life with a general openness to what God wants, but I manage to lose that focus at times and I need someone to articulate it...oh, say about once a week. I do want what God wants. I think we all do because we know that's what will ultimately be best for us, because it will produce the most spiritually profound results. Perhaps that is what's so scarey. The most spiritually profound results don't always match our own personal goals and dreams. But they always lead to the place where we will be the most emotionally whole and the most spiritually sanctified. All it takes is a willingness to fall and a trust that we won't.

Last week my friend Sara reminded me of something I had said in a book that I wrote two years ago. I said, "After all, what I think is best for me and what God knows is best for me are often two different things. I’ll go with God every time. God had gone to great lengths to put me where I would grow and learn the most..." God will continue to do that for anyone who trusts that there is a greater purpose.

It dumbfounding to me to think that some conservative Christians still think that our very existence is an affront to God, who somehow abhors homosexuality and despises the things that we have allowed to manifest in our lives. I'm just one example, but as I have matured and pursued wisdom in God with greater intensity, my homosexual awakening has been just one natural by-product, and I know that God not only embraces me as a lesbian but desires for me to be the best darn lesbian I can possibly be. Each day I need to be a better spouse than I was the day before, a better Christian than I was the day before, etc. God leads us to the space where we will grow and learn the most both emotionally and spiritually, and this is the path that is right for me. "If God wants us there, we will be there."

The Bible is half of the Christian picture. The other half is the experience between God and the individual. When we take experience into account, it becomes increasingly obvious that God is not opposed to homosexuality. God has been working hard to refine me and others like me, and this refining process has stopped short of ridding us of homosexuality. The Holy Spirit has the power to convict us of sin, and homosexuality is not an issue. I've been convicted about things like selfishness, greed, and bad driving habits, but never about homosexuality. And I have flat out asked for it. Frankly, I think God has more important things to worry about than whether or not I fall asleep next to a man or a woman. God refines me so that I will be more selfless, more generous, and more courteous on the Tollway, because these are conditions of the heart and things that define who I am as a person and as a Christian. To practice excellence in those areas and others is what God wants for me and others who are determined to live faith-filled lives.

If God wants us somewhere, we will be there. Doors to opportunity will open and we will be invited to seize them. If the doors don't open, there is some greater purpose at hand that will reveal itself in time, and we will be better off having surrendered to it. God is good and God wants the same for all of us. It's just nice to be reminded that the path to that goodness (or spiritual wholeness) is different for all of us, and that God knows best.

Mass Delusions - Follow Up

It's apparent that Eddie and I will never agree. (See post and comments from the 12/6/05 blog.) And that's okay with me. I grow a little bit each time a challenge like Eddie is presented, and since I think that may be true of all of us, a definite purpose is served by the points that he raises. If nothing else, I appreciate the fact that Eddie uses his whole name and leaves an email address. I've found that most people who disagree with me do so anonymously--as a sort of one-sided rant--but Eddie has opened up a true dialogue and that is refreshing. Whether or not we agree is secondary, at least to me.

It's funny, but the greatest amount of love and grace (evidence of the power of God) seems to be coming from the side of those of us being condemned in this case. I hope that as gay Christians we will always maintain this Christ-like attitude, and absorb the judgment and condemnation without becoming beligerent or overly defensive. Jesus became angered a time or two and overturned some tables in the temple, but he was also humble and prayerful in his reactions to those who came against him, and we would do well to continue to follow that example. I'm inspired so far. Our thoughts and comments are coming together to form a community of faith, which ends up not only comforting us but also providing deeper perspectives and an opportunity to see things from an angle that perhaps we hadn't thought of before. I'm grateful for this community of faith, and I think God uses it to speak to us. Eddie would probably say we're just fooling ourselves and that we're just mutually validating our own loose morals, but that's simply a difference in faith and perspective. God moves in the homosexual community, and to assume that we have abandoned God in favor of compromise and sin is to forgo an opportunity to witness that movement. All we can do as gay Christians is renew our commitment to God and allow ourselves to become even more truthful vessels and more powerful examples of what it means to love God in unconventional ways, and trust that God will use us to be Light where people expect to find darkness. Eddie and others who share his opinion do not expect to find Light in people like us. But that does not mean God is not here. If our eyes are trained to see God only in select places, we are sure to miss God in others.

I'll probably devote a few more blogs to this subject, but for now let me just say that the use of words like "clearly," "unequivocally," and "easily refuted" seems to be an attempt to claim authority on the subject and guarantee correctness. But that is to miss the point. The fact is my faith experience differs from Eddie's faith experience, and to acknowledge that without assigning incorrectness to the differing faith seems to be too much for Eddie to bear. One of us must be right and the other must be wrong from this black and white perspective. But since my experience is faith-based and Eddie's experience is faith-based, how can correctness be assigned to either one? Can faith be proven? I can certainly present evidence for my faith, but that certainly doesn't guarantee that others will believe it. Eddie can do the same. We can argue over the correctness of Biblical interpretation, but again, our interpretations will depend upon our faith-based experience. I would argue that different does not mean invalid. It comes down to faith, and people have experienced that differently since the beginning of time; Methodists, Catholics, Baptists, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, etc. Faith is primarily an individual pursuit and I think it's important to respect that without assuming our own targeted approach is universally suitable for everyone.

That said, it should come as no surprise that it doesn't bother me to be thought of as incorrect. It's not my job to attempt to be correct in the eyes of other believers. It's my job and yours to continue to seek God and become the testimony of faith that is in perfect harmony with what we have thoughtfully and prayerfully discovered to be true about God.

Philippians 1: 9-11 in the words of Paul...

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ--to the glory and praise of God.

May the Spirit continue to be our guide. To be continued...

Mass delusions

Eddie from Houston just posted this in my guestbook at jenaustin.com. I usually only check it once or twice a week, but I'm glad I was able to catch this today.

Eddie says, "I really don't see how you can reconcile Christianity and homosexuality when God, in the Old Testament, destroyed two cities for their sin. I don't believe its possible nor do I support the fact that you can be both. The Book of Revelation talks about mass delusions, perhaps this is the time."

I've posed the question before, "Does defending our faith really mean we have any faith at all?" Defending myself in a quest to feel more validated and accepted would not prove that I have faith or that I am somehow more worthy of Eddie's support. Rather I think it would demonstrate some weakness and prove that my "house is built on the sand (Matthew 7:26)." Houses without solid foundations get tossed around easily, and I'm not going to allow a little wind to toss me into a frenzy. Faith is just that...faith. And by having it, sometimes a person has to endure judgment and doubt without defense. Eddie has an opinion and I respect it. It just doesn't line up with what I have discovered to be true about God. I'll do my best to share that experience.

I've already devoted a blog or two to Sodom and Gomorrah so I'm not going to spend time rehashing that, but I will address the subject of mass delusions. Our connection to God is key.

One Wednesday night during a sermon at Cathedral of Hope I felt like God spoke to my heart and showed me a clear picture of what it means to be a gay Christian. I saw a line between God and me that seemed to light up the more I owned the connection, and I realized that everything in our lives outside of that connection is purely peripheral. We (okay I) tend to view jobs, relationships, the completion of goals, etc. as destinations, when they are actually just things that happen on the side of the road on the journey toward God. They are not destinations as much as they are tools that refine us and allow us to grow closer to God. Sometimes they are vessels that allow God to work through us purely for someone else's benefit. Sometimes they are the sandpaper that will smooth over our rough edges and teach us something profound about the way we react in certain situations. They are never without a purpose, but at the same time they are not a destination. They are much more fluid and marginal than that. It's the lifeline to God that gives it all meaning. God is the ultimate destination.

I can own this connection to God just as easily as Eddie can. We are all connected to God no matter what another believer may say, and we are connected continuously. The more energy we expend on that connection, the stronger the connection becomes. As it becomes stronger and lights up with greater intensity, it fuels us and enables us to perform the other tasks that God has for us in the periphery.

This is all to say that a person who owns the connection to God cannot be considered delusional. There is far too much strength, goodness, and love that travels back and forth through this lifeline, and it always results in positive growth. Delusions can be strong, but they don't usually spill out into a person's life in a way that promotes health and happiness, or provide such strong evidence that the Spirit is present. This is not a connection that God has any desire to destroy. This house is built on the Rock, and it becomes stronger by the day.

Perhaps this is the time for the mass delusions that Revelations speaks of. But perhaps we're viewing things from the wrong angle.

O Holy Night

I heard Josh Groban's version of O Holy Night on the way home today and although I had heard it several times before, this time I became completely broken by it. I'm in a major transition period in my life right now, and although I know God is at work in it, the process is uncertain and uncomfortable. But there are plenty of signs of peace in the midst of it.

The tone of Josh Groban's voice is amazing, and when he sings the line "oh hear the angels' voices", it makes it seem as if he is one of them, trying to get a message directly to me. It's like God is saying, "Jen, hear them. No matter what you go through, the angels are still singing."

The things Josh Groban does to the word "noel"...well, it's beyond words. I'm a goner every time I hear it. I've attached the link to this blog title if you'd like to experience this Christmas carol for yourself, done perhaps better than anyone has ever done it before.