Goodness is God's
I grew up believing that if I was a good person and did things correctly, God would bless me more. I knew in my head that God's love for me was unconditional, but I still thought my good behavior could talk God into pumping an increasing amount of good things into my life.
I think this is why it took me so long to begin reconciling being gay and Christian. I had always been told gay "behavior" was not pleasing to God, and as a result I thought my being a lesbian would cause God to withhold blessing.
That's just fear talkin'. That's my own subconscious self-loathing telling me I'm undeserving of good things because I'm somehow less than the good, straight Christians. I am undeserving, but then aren't we all. At last, my experience has helped me realize that whether or not I'm blessed has a whole lot more to do with God's goodness than it does with my good deeds. Goodness radiates from God and I just have to be perceptive enough to catch it. Maybe blessing is a little bit tied to my behavior because if I'm actively grateful God might be a little more likely to keep good things pointed in my direction, but I really don't think good deeds prompt divine rewards.
Over the past few months I've been in a career transition and even though my circumstances have changed, the blessings have remained steady. Good things have continued to eminate from God even though I have become sad, frustrated, and doubtful at times. None of that means I have stopped believing. It just means I've gone through some of the natural emotions that career transitions evoke. And yet God has sent strength, comfort, inspiration, and some incredible unexpected opportunities in the meantime, not because I've been a perfect child, but because God is good and can't help it. How awesome.
I say this every time I go through some sort of transition and I'll say it again: "Thank you so much God, for being so incredibly good and for bringing me through yet another uncertain time. You continue to give me no reason to doubt and every reason to believe. I'm grateful that even though you don't owe me this goodness you continue to give it to me. I'll remember this for the next time..."
And then the next time comes and I start doubting again. When will I learn?
I think this is why it took me so long to begin reconciling being gay and Christian. I had always been told gay "behavior" was not pleasing to God, and as a result I thought my being a lesbian would cause God to withhold blessing.
That's just fear talkin'. That's my own subconscious self-loathing telling me I'm undeserving of good things because I'm somehow less than the good, straight Christians. I am undeserving, but then aren't we all. At last, my experience has helped me realize that whether or not I'm blessed has a whole lot more to do with God's goodness than it does with my good deeds. Goodness radiates from God and I just have to be perceptive enough to catch it. Maybe blessing is a little bit tied to my behavior because if I'm actively grateful God might be a little more likely to keep good things pointed in my direction, but I really don't think good deeds prompt divine rewards.
Over the past few months I've been in a career transition and even though my circumstances have changed, the blessings have remained steady. Good things have continued to eminate from God even though I have become sad, frustrated, and doubtful at times. None of that means I have stopped believing. It just means I've gone through some of the natural emotions that career transitions evoke. And yet God has sent strength, comfort, inspiration, and some incredible unexpected opportunities in the meantime, not because I've been a perfect child, but because God is good and can't help it. How awesome.
I say this every time I go through some sort of transition and I'll say it again: "Thank you so much God, for being so incredibly good and for bringing me through yet another uncertain time. You continue to give me no reason to doubt and every reason to believe. I'm grateful that even though you don't owe me this goodness you continue to give it to me. I'll remember this for the next time..."
And then the next time comes and I start doubting again. When will I learn?
posted by Jen Austin at 7:47 AM
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