20Something 7-19-06 and 7-26-06

Two new 20Something Bible studies have been posted here:

http://coh20something.blogspot.com

Angela is co-leading since I'm working in the evenings now. She wrote two great studies based upon Don Miguel Ruiz's, The Four Agreements, and they fueled some great discussions. Last night the group talked so much they only got through half of Study #2, so they'll finish next week. Wednesday evening at 6:15 at Cathedral of Hope if you want to chime in!

Toltec philosophy is the basis for Ruiz's Four Agreements, and it provides a fascinating framework from which to view Christianity.

Getting out of the boat

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately with the upcoming release of the book and all of the things that could be and should be associated with that. Marketing and distributing are huge undertakings. Part of the problem is, I'm not all that experienced at this and I don't have a clear cut strategy for how I'm going to accomplish the things I need to accomplish. That's where the overwhelming feeling comes in. It's in the uncertainty.

Even in the midst of uncertainty, the peace of knowing that I'm on the right path is present. That's the way God has always worked in my life. There may be a whirlwind of stress swirling about, but right in the middle of it is a calm that tells me everything is going just as planned. If I start paying more attention to the stress than the calm, that's when I start having trouble.

It's like Matthew 14:30, when Peter got out of the boat and started to walk on water. He was steady as long as he kept his eyes on Jesus. The second he noticed the wind and other potentially sabotaging external factors, he started to sink. After Jesus pulled his sorry butt back into the boat (and mine too, by extension), he said, "Oh you of little faith. Why did you doubt?" I wonder. It's so simple really.

After I worked out this morning and was getting ready to take a shower, I thought about the things I need to accomplish this afternoon. Follow up with my webmaster about the store, enter some things into Quick Books, work on the marketing strategy, work on Book #2 a bit more so it can be released on the heels of Book #1, do laundry, pet the dogs, go to work... And the stress prompted me to burst into song. I started singing to no particular tune, "Oh how I wish I had better control of all these things...dee dee dee de dee dee dee..."

Oh the irony. A better handle would be nice. But singing that stream-of-consciousness, impromptu tune caused me to realize that this is exactly where God wants me to be. As soon as I belted out the word "control," I laughed, and I knew. I'm in a tight spot where I don't have ultimate control, and am forced to trust God to show me the way. I have to have faith.

Ok God, you win. I'm not ever going to have control of the wind or the rain or anything else swirling about, but I do have control of my focus. I'll try to maintain it, and trust you to sustain me. In other words, I'll do my best not to retreat back to the safety of the boat. Unless it's a nice, comfy and smooth pontoon. Okay, okay...

Barbaro

I'm not a huge fan of horse races, but the TV happened to be on the channel that was showing the Kentucky Derby one day in early May, so I watched. It doesn't take much to suck me into a sporting event.

Angela's Mom was in town that weekend and we were sitting in the living room talking while the race was on, so we weren't glued or anything. But as the horses neared the finish line we all stopped talking and listened to the announcers bring the horses around the final curve. It was exciting! Some people can work up tears in thirty seconds during a Hallmark commercial. I get instant tears during sporting events. Game-winning touchdowns, walk-off home runs, a buzzer-beating shot in Game 7 of a playoff series from a ten-point underdog...show me any of that and I'm a blubbering pile of goo. Anyway, the Kentucky Derby announcers were entralled with this 3-year old horse named Barbaro. They showed Barbaro's owner in the stands with his wife and daughter as Barbaro came down the final stretch, and I immediately became a fan and wanted Barbaro to win. He did. The bonnet-wearing crowd went ape crazy. And I wiped a tear away and quickly went to the refrigerator to get a beer so no one would know I was crying over a horse race.

I wasn't able to watch the Preakness, but the Barbaro spell had been sufficiently cast, so when I heard his name the morning after the Preakness on ESPN in the same breath with "tragic" and "life-threatening injury," my heart sank. As soon as Angela got up I hit rewind on Tivo so she could see the highlights of the broken leg, and all of the chaos that ensued. Poor Barbaro.

So like millions of others, I've been seeking out daily Barbaro updates since that day. God answers prayers for horses, right? I think so. I've been lifting up a few lately. Once I heard the doctor say, "Barbaro needs a miracle," I started praying. Alrighty then, let's get God to serve one up! It's odd that it took the word "miracle" to flip on the light in my head and get me to pray, but at least I'm on it now.

Barbaro is far too alert, frisky, and alive to be ailing. It just shouldn't be. It seems to me that this pesky laminitis infection should be an easy thing for God to cure, since God can obvoiusly handle things like leprosy, blindness, and cancer. But then what do I know. The vets obvoiusly believe differently because they've been steadily issuing doom and gloom. But I say keep changing his casts, let the laminitis-destroyed hoof have six months to grow back, and watch Barbaro heal. I'm choosing to believe God for a big Barbaro miracle.

Sports and animals...two of my favorite things. I'm hopelessly devoted. Hang in there Barbaro.

To the person whose comment inspired the last blog...

I know how you feel. I used to want to believe more liberally, but the fear that my church might frown upon me was enough to keep my thoughts right in line with the masses. I was afraid to think too differently, because "different" might have carried the connotation I was rebellious, and therefore wrong. I didn't want to float around out in the margins by myself. But I finally realized that a majority opinion doesn't automatically equal a correct opinion, and it was at that moment that I think I pleased God the most. I was forced to have faith.

It's really not about right and wrong for me though. It's about the way God works in my life. It's not always about what other people teach me. It's about what God teaches me. God certainly works through church congregations and religious leaders, but I don't believe God necessarily imparts wisdom solely to those in power, expecting it to filter down so that everyone is blanketed with the same beliefs. God can work with us individually. If we end up in disagreement with another Christian who seems to be just as convicted as we are, well that's faith. Perhaps God really does work in mysterious ways. "Groupthink" has its advantages, but I don't think it matures us spiritually. I've grown the most when I'm way out on a limb.

Other Christians don't always agree with me, my parents don't always agree with me, friends don't always agree with me, etc. But at the same time, God has introduced me to just as many people with whom I'm in perfect harmony. Again, it's a matter of faith.

It's hard to say where exactly the journey of faith will take each of us. As we mature, we could develop an ideology that veers to the right, to the left, or in the middle. Our thoughts may begin to fall in line with one particular church or another. Or we may spend the rest of our lives out on a limb, with only God and the birds to visit with. But as long as we're studying, praying, and making every effort to move toward God, I think we'll be spiritually fulfilled. We just have to be careful that we're tuned in to the right guide. That is, don't choose the voice of the church over the voice of God.

I'll pray that each of us will be able to hear the voice of God with greater awareness as we mature. Keep in touch! Best wishes...

Romans and 1 Corinthians

This comment was on the previous post:

I've been struggling with reconciling myself to being both gay and christian, and it seems impossible! I want to experience what its like to be in a relationship but i can't get past the bible verses that say its sinful to practise homosexuality. What did you do with these passages? (Rom 1: 26-27, 1Cor 6: 9)

My book is at the printer right now and will be finished between August 22nd and September 6th, but I'll use an excerpt to respond here. If you're interested, the autobiography/self-help book will be available for pre-order in the next couple of weeks at jenaustin.com.

The passages in Romans says:

25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator--who is forever praised. Amen. 26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

At the time Paul wrote this passage in Romans, temple prostitution was prevalent and cults (who used both heterosexual and homosexual sex acts) were usually the primary participants ("Christianity and Homosexuality," Michael Piazza).

It doesn’t take any sort of stretch of the imagination to see that there is something cockeyed about selling one’s body for personal gain, whether homosexual or heterosexual sex acts are the means used. Paul had to address this situation. But Paul is not addressing same-sex love in this passage, where two committed adults live together, love one another, and mutually contribute to a household and a family. Paul is talking about that middle-of-the-night, back-alley sort of sex act of which lust is a part, and which would still get you arrested today. To try to hastily pin this passage on those who possess a natural homosexual orientation just proves how misunderstood we gay folk continue to be.

Homosexuality is not so whimsical that it requires a bunch of lawless hooligans to suddenly become “inflamed with lust for one another” and to resolutely pursue those lusts at the expense of anything and everything that happens to be in the way. We homosexuals are far more tame and boring than that. We do not become “inflamed” any more than a heterosexual person becomes “inflamed” with heterosexuality prior to pursuing a potential mate. Just like heterosexuals, we gravitate naturally toward the features that attract us.

The subject of what is “natural” to one person over another is an interesting one. For me, it is not natural to be in a sexual relationship with a man and, as I have mentioned, I have given it a whirl. There are no words to describe the awkwardness. My connection to men is similar to that between two heterosexual men I would imagine, in that I can talk and laugh and have fun with a man, but the sexual attraction is entirely absent. To kiss a man is contrary to everything that I know to be true about myself and, although the act may produce a raucous and triumphant round of applause at a Focus on the Family “ex-gay” rally, it would be the ultimate self-betrayal. I choose truth over superficial and conditional acceptance by would-be peers.

There are two other New Testament passages (NIV) that are commonly used to verbally assault homosexuals. Here they are:

1 Corinthians 6:9-10:

9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

1 Timothy 1:9-10:

9We also know that law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious; for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers, 10for adulterers and perverts, for slave traders and liars and perjurers--and for whatever else is contrary to the sound doctrine.

We are the “homosexual offenders” in the 1 Corinthians passage, and the “perverts” in the 1 Timothy passage. There is some debate over whether or not the original Greek words have been accurately translated, but assuming the translation is correct and Paul does indeed address homosexuality in these passages, once again, neither passage covers a natural, same-sex orientation. Both passages refer to people who use sexuality (among other things) for personal gain--using others to gain status, power, money, physical gratification, etc.--and the homosexual acts that were engaged in during that time fit that bill.

For example, some older Greek men would keep young boys, especially for sexual purposes, by paying them large sums of money. The boys received money and the men received sexual gratification. Using another person in a way that would bring about personal gain has never been okay with God, but these things do not automatically attach themselves to homosexuality as an orientation. A loving homosexual relationship is about mutual gratification and selfless love, which undoubtedly serves to enrich the lives of both partners. The things mentioned in these passages—sexual immorality, greed, swindling, lying, etc.—will destroy any relationship, regardless of its sexual persuasion. Paul is addressing specific homosexual acts in this passage, and not homosexuality as a natural sexual orientation.

The New Living Translation puts 1Timothy 1:10 this way:

“These laws are for people who are sexually immoral, for homosexuals and slave traders, for liars and oath breakers, and for those who do anything else that contradicts the right teaching.”

It is hard for me to conceive that the kind folks Angela and I see every Sunday at church and who happen to be gay, can be lumped in with slave traders and oath breakers. These people tithe, they volunteer their time, they sing, they pray, they love their families…and for what? To be considered on the level of someone who trades a slave (another human life) for a bushel of corn? Homosexuals do not contradict “the right teaching,” simply by existing. It takes much more work than that. Naturally, a homosexual person is capable of contradicting God’s teaching, but there is no contradiction in simply being homosexual.

I should also mention that the word "homosexual" was first coined in the 1860's, so it's a bit of a mystery how that word has managed to pop up in modern Biblical translations. It seems to refelct the translators' bias more than it does the original truth.

Here's a bit more from the book regarding sin:

Sin is an obstacle that separates the sinner from God. It is easy to see why murder, for example, is a sin. The act undoubtedly comes between the murderer and God. God is love, but love is absent when the act of murder is committed. The effects are harmful. Families are robbed of someone whom they loved and the victim is robbed of his or her existence. Murder is a violation against God and humanity. None of these things apply to a healthy homosexual relationship. The effects are positive. Love thrives. Each partner is filled with happiness and contentment, potentially drawing nearer to God rather than further away.

The ultimate proof comes through faith, in knowing that God’s nature lives inside me and it exists peacefully with my homosexuality, and that the two are not in conflict in any way. God’s nature is in conflict with things like anger, jealousy, and greed and I wrestle daily with those. But the day I stopped giving power to the fundamentalist Christians who argue that my homosexuality is a wrong behavior, was the day that I stopped cringing over the idea that I was sinning each time I entertained a homosexual idea. God most definitely retains the power to convict me of sin, but has not done so where my homosexuality is concerned. The moment I stopped giving power to the people who were attempting to come between God and me, I became free.

The truth that exists between God and me is far more important than the propaganda that swirls outside of that relationship. To give that relationship the power, and to remove the power subconsciously assigned to the fundamentalists, is perhaps the most important lesson we gay Christians can learn.

Thirty seconds away from a gay-Christian healin'

A new myspace friend emailed me this week, and really seemed to be at her wits' end with trying to be both gay and Christian.

She's having many of the same thoughts that I've had in the past, like: "What if God really is disgusted with me?" "If I deny the truth about myself I may be miserable, but at least I won't step on anyone else's toes." And the one that hits closest to home, "If I'm going to be more Christian, I'd better be less gay."

It comes down to a matter of faith, really. The Left and the Right can toss Bible verses back and forth until they're completely blue in the face and winded, but it will always boil down to an individual's faith in God, and that intimate relationship. For example, no blanket statement from Pat Robertson is going to deny the truth that God is abundant in my life and in my lesbian relationship, and that God fully accepts me "as is." I've been over the Bible verses a million times and each time I get the same answer--I am on the path that God intended for me. It's not wrong to be gay. This is my experience and my faith, and while others may agree or disagree with it, nothing changes the fact that mine is a true experience. Sometimes it helps just to know that other gay Christians do exist. I empathize with where this emailer is coming from.

Sometimes it feels like "gay" and "Christian" are two identities that just don't fit together. But as I shared with her, the turning point in my journey of faith came when I finally realized that the two identities weren't two separate things battling for control of me--one being evil and one being good. Rather, each one was truth. One day several years ago when I lived in Austin I dialed the number of a counseling hotline that was part of a benefit package at the place where I worked, and the representative on the other end of the line summed up in thirty seconds what I had been trying to put my finger on for years. When I told her I needed a referral to a therapist because I was gay and Christian, she said, "So you just need to reconcile two different parts of yourself." Two different parts of myself...that was it! Hello! Prior to that moment I had become convinced that homosexuality was an evil that had been battling with the good part of me, and that it was trying to take over and make me one big evil. But as I heard this woman speak, something clicked inside me, and I finally realized that each of these identities existed in me intrinsically, and that they could live in harmony. They were each seeds that contained the ability to love (to love God and to love another person), and they wouldn't grow unless I stopped trying to kill them.

Since then, my life has become a process of weeding out the things that interefere with my gay Christian growth. It gets to be kinda fun when I can picture some of the well-known fundamentalists as dandelions. Or better yet, crab grass. I'll just keep on soakin' up the sun.

Pearl Jam playing Phil Ochs

I always find Eddie Vedder's social commentary interesting. I'd love to have an hour at Starbucks with him.

I doubt that Jerry Falwell is rockin' the Pearl Jam so he may not know of this shout out, but it's too poignant not to post. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.