Fear not
But Jesus, not heeding the word spoken, said to the ruler of the synagogue, “Fear not, only believe.” Mark 5.36
This verse was attached to today's church devotion that I received via email. These devotions always put my mind in the right place before I start my day.
I was actually nervous as I opened this devotion today--not because I thought that it included some life or death instructions from God, or that I was about to find out some eagerly-anticipated news--but because I'm dealing with some overall anxiety right now and I feel some degree of nervousness just about anytime I'm online. I don't feel anxious on the weekends when Angela and I are together because I don't let myself get online! Our focus on each other is incredibly calming and natural and right. But when the weekdays role around and I start working on the business that I created around the book, I'm anxious. There is certainty in my relationship with Angela and that sort of comfort level doesn't exist with the business. But then, maybe "comfort level" and "business" are mutually exclusive terms, and maybe I will never be completely at ease professionally. I've been in radio for twelve years and I've been with Angela for eight, and Angela is way more fulfilling! Duh! The book is new and there is stress that goes along with any new start-up opportunity. Perhaps all the anxiety means, is that I have my priorities in the right place. After all, the anxiety never takes over completely. My releationships with God and with Angela keep me centered, grounded, and happy. Those relationships provide a solid foundation, and they are the peaceful undercurrent that allows everything else to spring forward. The rest is ancillary.
Anxiety is necessary to a certain degree. God is not served as fully as God could be, if I just sit comfortably at home with Angela and talk about babies. (Our first artificial insemination attempt will happen in November if all goes well.) Although family and our relationship with God are the most important things, God also asks us to step out of that comfort zone and serve on a grander scale. Hence the book, and my being out in my career, etc. God needs vessels. Enter anxiety. I want God to be pleased, I want to be taking the steps that God wants me to take, and I want to feel God's presence every step of the way. I want to do my best for God, and sometimes I don't know exactly what that means. And then there are the critics. I heard through the grapevine that a co-worker of mine said something negative about me, and I don't know if it was because I'm a lesbian or because I'm a gay Christian. But it's something that I just have to shrug my shoulders about and move on. If anything it makes me more keenly aware of the goodness and truth embedded in my relationship with God, and serves as proof that I'm on exactly the right path. It's almost as if God used it to pat me on the back and say, "It's alright sweet pea. We're in this together and we'll just keep on truckin'. Don't worry about who gets it, and who doesn't." God is good.
I love that Jesus didn't "heed the word spoken" in this verse. Sometimes what comes out of the mouths of those around us and the message we get from God are two different things, and we have to have the strength to stick to God's. The mixed messages can cause anxiety, but in the end we have to "fear not" and "believe." There's something productive that can come from anxiety if we can label it as such, keep it in its place, and know that there is some greater purpose that has yet to be realized. "Believing" is something active that we can do as we forge ahead, and that is comforting.
The hard part is, to only believe. It's hard to commit only to believing and to shut out the anxiety. But this week I intend to try.
This verse was attached to today's church devotion that I received via email. These devotions always put my mind in the right place before I start my day.
I was actually nervous as I opened this devotion today--not because I thought that it included some life or death instructions from God, or that I was about to find out some eagerly-anticipated news--but because I'm dealing with some overall anxiety right now and I feel some degree of nervousness just about anytime I'm online. I don't feel anxious on the weekends when Angela and I are together because I don't let myself get online! Our focus on each other is incredibly calming and natural and right. But when the weekdays role around and I start working on the business that I created around the book, I'm anxious. There is certainty in my relationship with Angela and that sort of comfort level doesn't exist with the business. But then, maybe "comfort level" and "business" are mutually exclusive terms, and maybe I will never be completely at ease professionally. I've been in radio for twelve years and I've been with Angela for eight, and Angela is way more fulfilling! Duh! The book is new and there is stress that goes along with any new start-up opportunity. Perhaps all the anxiety means, is that I have my priorities in the right place. After all, the anxiety never takes over completely. My releationships with God and with Angela keep me centered, grounded, and happy. Those relationships provide a solid foundation, and they are the peaceful undercurrent that allows everything else to spring forward. The rest is ancillary.
Anxiety is necessary to a certain degree. God is not served as fully as God could be, if I just sit comfortably at home with Angela and talk about babies. (Our first artificial insemination attempt will happen in November if all goes well.) Although family and our relationship with God are the most important things, God also asks us to step out of that comfort zone and serve on a grander scale. Hence the book, and my being out in my career, etc. God needs vessels. Enter anxiety. I want God to be pleased, I want to be taking the steps that God wants me to take, and I want to feel God's presence every step of the way. I want to do my best for God, and sometimes I don't know exactly what that means. And then there are the critics. I heard through the grapevine that a co-worker of mine said something negative about me, and I don't know if it was because I'm a lesbian or because I'm a gay Christian. But it's something that I just have to shrug my shoulders about and move on. If anything it makes me more keenly aware of the goodness and truth embedded in my relationship with God, and serves as proof that I'm on exactly the right path. It's almost as if God used it to pat me on the back and say, "It's alright sweet pea. We're in this together and we'll just keep on truckin'. Don't worry about who gets it, and who doesn't." God is good.
I love that Jesus didn't "heed the word spoken" in this verse. Sometimes what comes out of the mouths of those around us and the message we get from God are two different things, and we have to have the strength to stick to God's. The mixed messages can cause anxiety, but in the end we have to "fear not" and "believe." There's something productive that can come from anxiety if we can label it as such, keep it in its place, and know that there is some greater purpose that has yet to be realized. "Believing" is something active that we can do as we forge ahead, and that is comforting.
The hard part is, to only believe. It's hard to commit only to believing and to shut out the anxiety. But this week I intend to try.
posted by Jen Austin at 9:06 AM
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