Very very bare blog
Given this delicate emotional state, you can imagine that I'm hyper-sensitive about nearly everything. On Friday, Angela told me about something a friend of ours said about me that was intended to be a playful compliment, but to me it ended up being a huge blow emotionally. I made this friend laugh over a break I did on the radio about the "pick your purse" contest our station is doing, because I got really excited about one of the designer purses and said I wanted it for myself. This friend thought it was hilarious because she knows I don't carry a purse, and she has never known me to get excited about anything "designer" and foo foo. It's a silly little thing to react negatively to, but it came at a time when I was already evaluating whether or not my radio persona and my real life persona are different, or one in the same. I don't ever want to be duplicitous or disingenuous, and when I hear comments that seem to imply that, the cut is deep.
Part of me wishes I had never put up this silly Johari Window, because it seems to me that the people who listen to me on the radio and the people who know me in real life have come up with two different perspectives. Listeners and friends seem to be reading two different projections; the one that is upbeat and relaxed on the radio, and the one that is self-conscious and nervous in real life. I don't disagree with either of these assessments because there is truth in each of them. It's the gap between them that bothers me. It feels like I've been painted into two separate corners.
When Angela told me about our friend's comment about me and purses, we had just been out to lunch and she was taking me back to my car so I could go to work. As soon as I got out of her vehicle and into my car, I started to cry. Emotionally bare I tell ya. It was like I had been teetering on the edge all week, and that just made me tip over. Angela and I talked on the phone as I drove to work, and she was understandably shocked by my reaction. I was upset because I really did like the dang purses! They're huge bags with lots of pockets and clunky hardware. What lesbian wouldn't dig that. I felt like this friend thought I was a liar, while I was telling the truth. This is nothing that we don't all experience as gay Christians on a daily basis, but again I'm emotionally bare right now. The gap between what we know to be the truth and what others believe, is harder to handle at some times than it is at others. ("Self-conscious" on this Johari Window really should have an exclamation point behind it.)
As usual, Angela gave it some thought and then gave me the words of wisdom that forced my crazy thoughts and feelings to subside. She said she doesn't feel like my radio persona is any different from the Jen that she knows in real life, and she never thinks anything I say on the air is out of character or disingenuous. She just thinks I only show a narrow piece of myself to the radio audience, and a different narrow piece of myself to friends and family members, and since no one ever gets the complete picture all at once, there is a gap. Angela is the only one who ever gets the whole package. When other people use their own personal filters and perspectives to form an opinion based on the limited images I project, it's natural to think there is a disparity. That's some great insight.
So perhaps the real lesson in all of this, is for me to learn how to show more of myself to everyone. I have painted myself into these corners, and I'm the one who will have to venture outside of them. The limits are self-imposed more than they are attached from the outside. Perhaps as I continue to grow into the person that God intends for me to be, I will become better at projecting the whole, rather than only the broken pieces.
Arena(known to self and others) brave, dependable, reflective, witty | Blind Spot(known only to others) accepting, bold, caring, cheerful, clever, complex, confident, energetic, friendly, giving, happy, ingenious, intelligent, introverted, kind, knowledgeable, logical, loving, mature, nervous, observant, organised, patient, powerful, proud, relaxed, religious, responsive, searching, self-conscious, sympathetic, tense, trustworthy, warm, wise |
Façade(known only to self) calm, independent | Unknown(known to nobody) able, adaptable, dignified, extroverted, helpful, idealistic, modest, quiet, self-assertive, sensible, sentimental, shy, silly, spontaneous |
All Percentages
able (0%) accepting (12%) adaptable (0%) bold (6%) brave (18%) calm (0%) caring (25%) cheerful (6%) clever (6%) complex (25%) confident (6%) dependable (6%) dignified (0%) energetic (6%) extroverted (0%) friendly (31%) giving (6%) happy (18%) helpful (0%) idealistic (0%) independent (0%) ingenious (6%) intelligent (50%) introverted (6%) kind (31%) knowledgeable (6%) logical (12%) loving (18%) mature (6%) modest (0%) nervous (6%) observant (12%) organised (12%) patient (6%) powerful (12%) proud (18%) quiet (0%) reflective (31%) relaxed (6%) religious (37%) responsive (6%) searching (12%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (25%) sensible (0%) sentimental (0%) shy (0%) silly (0%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (6%) tense (6%) trustworthy (25%) warm (12%) wise (6%) witty (12%)
You can make your own Johari Window, or view jenaustin's full data.
posted by Jen Austin at 8:58 AM
3 Comments:
Angela is a wise woman...you two are lucky to have one another!
This was almost a personal email, but I decided to post it for all to think about. There is a lot going on in this post and I am not an analyst… but I did spend 11 years as a D.J. and now I am a pastor and I have to say, in both roles, I know what you are talking about. There is one part of this in which you might be being too hard on yourself:
I don't ever want to be duplicitous or disingenuous, and when I hear comments that seem to imply that, the cut is deep.
I thought that when I no longer had an on-air persona to maintain that the issue of self-revelation wound no longer be such a problem for me. As a rock-radio D.J., especially when I was working in a blue collar town like Allentown, P.A., I really felt like a split personality. My average listener was really happier believing that I was hanging out at rock clubs drinking beer and not at home listening to classical music and trying to perfect my raspberry vinaigrette to go with the fresh spinach salad I had just put together along with the bread I just freshly baked.
When I moved to Star-System and worked on eight different stations, some rock, some oldies, some top-forty, some country, I couldn’t remember if I liked NASCAR or Figure Skating, MTV or CMT, beer or wine. Being on stations across the country, I couldn’t even remember what sports teams I really liked. Add to that, I had just found Christianity and didn’t know how any of that fit it to anything.
So, I thought when I left that all behind that I could just be completely authentic all of the time. Authenticity is my goal as a pastor and as a human being. However, I am a complex person. I believe in God and I think The Simpsons is the funniest show ever. I am a committed clergy member of the United Methodist Church and do all I can to support it, yet I disagree with it’s stance on homosexuality. I think being in community is often how we best experience God, yet my favorite thing to do is be alone.
I don’t think these are contradictions, but some people do. So, I have to be careful about self-revelation. It doesn’t do me any good to start out my relationship with someone new to the church or new to the faith by sharing my love of The Simpsons. However, I always have to be careful about being authentic. Telling someone that I think the show is evil would be lying. Not bringing up my stance on homosexuality with someone I just met might be ok. Failing to defend a mean-spirited verbal attack against a gay man or lesbian woman would be wrong and would betray a large part of who I am.
There are also parts of myself that I consider not public at all. There are things about me, things I love, things I am afraid of, dreams I have, nightmares that haunt me that are only shared with people with whom I have developed a relationship of love and trust. I think the few people that I consider my close friends have a different understanding of me than my casual acquaintances and members of my congregation. If my wife and a member of my congregation had a discussion about who I really am, they would probably disagree on some key points of the real me. And that’s ok, she has earned the right to the whole story.
This is a long way of saying, its ok if one person thinks you love pretty purses and another person thinks you hate them. Both of those are part of the real, very complex Jen Austin.
Thanks for taking the time to give this some thought, Will. You are right about so many things.
I am pretty hard on myself. The comments that "seem to imply" that I'm duplicitous or disingenuous probably only "imply" that because my filters allow them to. It's my processing more than it is their implication.
Perhaps this little identity crisis of mine is nothing more than complexity realized.
Something good coming from an uncomfortable experience...evidence of God.
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