Understanding God...or not

This past Sunday I came across and intersting article in the Points section of the Dallas Morning News about Hilaire Kallendorf, a 31-year old Texas A&M Scholar who just won the Hiett Prize in the Humanities. This award is given to a person whose work in the humanities shows extraordinary promise and has a significant public component. Kallendorf devotes her life as a scholar to the study of religious experience in human culture. She was to receive the Hiett Prize last night at a cermony in Dallas.

One of the quotes from Sunday's article keeps finding its way to the forefront of my mind, so perhaps if I share it, it will retreat to the recesses and I can go on with my life.

Kallendorf said, "...that's what religion does: fills in the spaces between what we can understand and what we can't. Personally, I wouldn't want to believe in a God I could fully understand. Then he wouldn't be God."

It's strange to think that we'll probably never have a complete understanding of God, and yet we devote an incredible amount of time and energy attempting to do that very thing. At least I do. I study, pray, analyze, act, and think in ways that might draw me nearer to God, knowing full well that I won't reach full understanding in this lifetime. I doubt that I even achieve full understanding in each situation that I end up in. But it's in my nature to try, and it's in God's nature to beckon me. At least with those two components in place I can rest assured that I will understand as much as I'm capable of.

Kallendorf is right about religion filling in the gaps. Organized religion today seems to be marketed as something that can comfort us, help us through times of trouble, keep us safe, and elevate us to a place where we might have a better view of God. And it often comes with a set of preconceived ideas about what God thinks, which simplifies our personal journeys of faith. If someone else tells us what God thinks about certain things, we don't have to waste valuable time discovering those positions on our own.

The most obvious thing that becomes attributed to God is the idea that God is disgusted by homosexuality. This is just one way to attempt to make sure that everyone's image of God stays as neat and orderly, and as understandable as possible. Since homosexuality is not something all humans understand, the same inability to understand has become attached to God. But since none of us will never achieve a full understanding of God, isn't it logical to assume that there will also be things on earth that can't be understood? Perhaps homosexuality is one of them.

God never said everything in creation would be explained perfectly, and frankly God doesn't owe anyone an explanation. As gay Christians, we are products of God's creativity. Perhaps as we stake further claim to God even in the face of adversity, broader understanding will come.

Kallendorf doesn't say in the article how she feels about homosexuality as it relates to Christianity, but she does make an interesting comment about where Christianity itself stands at this moment in history. She says we're seeing a return to conscience, or re-enchantment, which includes "a return to the sacred in very odd and unexpected ways."

Perhaps gay and lesbian people are just odd and unexpected enough have a dramatic impact.

20Something 4-26-05

Here is a link to tonight's lesson on Job. Hope you can come and be part of the discussion.

http://coh20something.blogspot.com

Positive influences

I've been out here in gay Christian cyberspace for awhile now and I've received plenty of emails from fundamentalist Christians who think I'm nuts, but this week I got my first email from a real, live fundamentalist preacher. It was only a matter of time.

The emailer asked me to check out his website and said, "Let me know what you think. I would love to be a positive influence in your life."

Of course. Since I'm gay and Christian and okay with it I must be misguided and in need of a positive influence to "straighten" me out. Interesting.

I responded with, "Thanks for taking the time to write and say hello. It's nice to hear from you.
We can all use positive influences, so maybe I can be one for you as well. Please keep in touch..."

I always want to surround myself with positive Christian influences and I have no doubt that this fellow could be one. But not if his agenda is to get me to change my sexuality. That's between God and me, and if my experience as a gay Christian is wholly positive he has to respect that.

How come some people don't trust in my ability to hear from God and live as an empowered Christian? Does my sexuality cloud their vision so much that they can't see God in me? I would love to ask the fundamentalists these things, but they usually don't stick around long enough for me to have the opportunity. Once they figure out I'm a lost cause they're gone, leaving me to my "sin" I suppose. That's okay. I'll continue to seek answers.

Praise to God for being the ultimate positive influence.

The Ex-Gay Factor Follow-up

Thanks for the great response to The Ex-Gay Factor printed in the Dallas Voice last Friday. The emails have been the sweet icing on a big ex-gay experience cake. All of it has warmed my insides.

I logged into myspace a few days ago and checked my email there, and one of the profile pictures in my inbox looked familiar, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out who it was. Solving the problem was easy...just open the email already. It was Julie! One of the ex-gays that I mentioned in the article. I'm not going to spill all of her business, but she basically wrote to tell me she's sorry I had a negative experience with Living Hope Ministries and wanted to clear up some misconceptions.

The gist...She doesn't believe that God sits in heaven with a finger (assuming God has fingers) on the panic button so it can be pressed anytime a gay person acts on an attraction. She just believes being gay is not God's best for her. She stopped short of making judgments about what God wants for me. She even said we could all be kicking back in heaven together someday. Interesting. Regardless, the vibe that God is disgusted with gay behavior comes from somewhere inside Living Hope, if not from Julie. I picked up on it and I asked Angela to verify, and she said she picked up on the same thing.

Have I mentioned that Angela went to this conference with me? Ha! Poor thing. She truly is my better half. I asked her that morning if she was nervous and she said she was. I really wasn't, so I promised I'd protect her by stopping them if they wanted to hook her up to electrodes and start the shock treatment. I'm good like that. Brady told me he knew we were a couple the minute he saw us and I'm sure others gathered the same. We wore matching wedding bands to the ex-gay conference for crying out loud. Helloooo. But we survived. And now I can pick her brain anytime I need another perspective.

So Julie and I have begun an email relationship that may progress into a Starbucks relationship and beyond. I have much respect for her faith. She loves Jesus wholeheartedly and her enthusiasm is infectious, and I want to learn from her example. We may never understand one another completely, but we might as well try. And grow closer to God in the process, which is probably the divine point in all of this chatter.

Happy Easter and a crazy expulsion story

Happy Easter!

Angela and I went to a packed service this morning at Cathedral of Hope. It was powerful and moving and really helped us experience the joy of the resurrection. Awesome. We had to jet right away because I had to be on the air at 11, but Angela went to Easter in the Park after she dropped me off and has been texting pictures so I can be there in spirit. We'll probably celebrate Easter later with some cheese pizza. We're non-traditional in a lot of ways.

While I was doing show prep on mtv.com I ran across this story. The lack of understanding is almost comical. How can they say these things? Whose "Christian principles?"

Student Expelled After Revealing He's Gay On MySpace

04.10.2006 2:04 PM EDT (mtv.com)
Jason Johnson is asked to leave Baptist college for 'sexual behavior not consistent with Christian principles.'

The headlines have come fast and furious in recent months about kids being busted for everything from threatening teachers to plotting to burn down churches on their MySpace and Facebook pages.

But at a small Christian liberal arts university in Williamsburg, Kentucky, last week, 20-year-old Jason Johnson was expelled not for a threat, but for admitting he is gay.

University of the Cumberlands spokesperson Larry Cockrum said he wasn't allowed to discuss matters pertaining to students or faculty, but the Lexington Herald-Leader newspaper confirmed that the expulsion happened recently. Cockrum said the 117-year-old school has a policy that allows administrators to expel a student who "promotes sexual behavior not consistent with Christian principles."

Johnson isn't the first gay student to face such a fate. In January, Michael Guinn, a student at John Brown University in Siloam Springs, Arkansas, was asked to leave the 87-year-old university when administrators at the Christian liberal arts school became concerned about some of the things he posted on his Xanga journal. Guinn, 22, whose parents both work at the small school, was dismissed after being told he violated campus lifestyle guidelines, according to Andrea Phillips, the school's director of communications.

Those guidelines ban smoking, drinking, gambling and having sex outside of marriage." He was dismissed, which is different than being expelled," Phillips said. "He was asked to leave campus, but he is eligible to return if he chooses. We were aware of his orientation when he came to JBU and didn't learn about it from a Web site, but we did find some things on the site that were of some concern." Phillips would not specify what those things are, but she said the postings were a factor in his dismissal.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

Much love for ya Jason. Something tells me you'll be better able to experience the power of the resurrection out here in the margins, where you can live truthfully and unashamed.

Thank God for myspace. Sometimes anyway!

Ex-Gay article for Dallas Voice

The Ex-Gay Factor

By Jen Austin Special Contributor

Want more guilt? Intrepid Christian Jen Austin infiltrates ‘Living Hope’ workshop to unearth methods of gay-to-straight transformation


No matter what causes a person to be gay, Living Hope Ministries, which is based in Arlington, has one thing to say about it. According to executive director Ricky Chelette, “Either God can change a person’s sexual orientation, or he isn’t God.”

A one-day conference, titled “Living Hope, Lasting Change: A Redemptive Response to the Issue of Homosexuality,” was held on March 4 at Alsbury Baptist Church in Burleson. The 100 or so Christians (most of them white) sought answers to questions like: “Does God love homosexuals?” “What if I like boys and girls?” and “Are people born gay, or is it a choice?”

After paying $20, I sat in the back row and quietly took notes. Throughout the workshop, it seemed like attendees agreed with whatever Chelette said. He depicted homosexuality as “demonic” work — that the trend of queer acceptance is linked to a general rise of immorality in modern culture.

Living Hope formed in 1989 and partnered with ex-gay ministry Exodus International in 1991. The March 4 workshop was a repeat of a conference that was held in January. Another is planned for October.

Living Hope considers gays and lesbians to be no different from those who suffer from pornography addictions or other sexual compulsions. They taught that being gay is a “learned” behavior that can be controlled, and that gays suffer from emotional wounds that can be healed by pursuing God — their way.

As the keynote speaker, Chelette blamed the mainstream media for the increasing acceptance of homosexuality. He pointed to queer themes on TV programs like “All My Children,” “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Will & Grace:” all tools that promote homosexuality. When Chelette got to “The L Word,” he flashed a photo of Jennifer Beals and company on a video screen, which triggered gales of laughter in the church. Chelette said, “It’s a drama. You know you’re going to get lots of drama with a bunch of lesbians.”

His message enforced stereotypes, and the evangelical crowd seemed to buy every word. Then came testimonies from folks who previously attended Living Hope’s workshops.

Patty, whose daughter veers on the Sapphic side, is convinced that she created a weakness in her daughter, which Satan exploited. Through Living Hope’s help, her daughter is beginning to exhibit outward signs that aren’t quite so bull dyke in nature. Patty says her daughter has almost stopped wearing a baseball cap everywhere she goes. She’s also started painting her nails and wearing makeup. Wow, lesbians don’t wear makeup? Someone had better notify Portia de Rossi.

After discovering what Living Hope considers the “root causes” of homosexuality, it’s no wonder her daughter’s coming out plunged Patty into what she refers to as “the darkest pit she’s ever been in.” This group thrives on guilt.

In the first portion of the conference, Chelette said “It’s a sin to be gay because it’s an illegitimate way to meet a legitimate need for affirmation, affection and attention.” His theory hinges upon a mother-father-child Family Triangle. Ironically, Chelette’s diagram was an upside down triangle: Mother and father are at the top corners, and the child at the bottom.

According to Chelette, if one of the lines between family members are broken — due to a lack of affirmation, attention or affection — the family can end up with a gay kid. For example, if a boy can’t adequately connect with his father, the mother might strengthen her parental ties. This causes a boy to connect with his feminine side.

Chelette said some boys are naturally drawn toward aesthetic things, like color and texture, but that doesn’t make him gay. A young boy who desires to run through racks of lingerie simply to feel frilly lace next to his skin, “Just needs to be parented differently,” Chelette explained.

Bottom line: Blame the parents. And there’s always sexual abuse, which Chelette said is the reason why most girls become lesbians. Of course, he didn’t reveal a source for this alarming statistic, but said, “85 percent of lesbians have been abused sexually as a child.”

As for the other 15 percent, it’s back to the Family Triangle diagram. According to Chelette, if a lesbian hasn’t been sexually abused, it’s likely that she has an emotionally weak mother and gravitates toward the father. That’s what fires up this need to do masculine things like, “fix the truck,” Chelette explained.

What about tomboys who end up straight? Chelette says tomboys can be healthy, but the identity becomes “dangerous” when it causes a girl to embrace masculinity so completely that she faces peer rejection as a result. Chelette fears if she becomes isolated, she might identify with lesbians because it’s the only peer group left to join. He could have added “and recruiters are awarded toaster ovens,” because the crowd seemed to latch onto this myth.

According to Living Hope, gay people cannot prevent same-sex attraction, but acting upon these desires is a choice. The ministry focuses on the coming out process: when one first acts upon same-sex attraction. And for those who take the plunge, they underscore how angry God gets when people engage in gay sex. But it’s shame and fear that keep folks on the straight and narrow.

Enter the ex-gay role models: John and Julie are two examples of people Living Hope believes made the correct decisions. They’re young, attractive and say they’re in the “process” of being healed. Dressed in cargo pants and flip-flops, Julie is cute and spunky. Her mom sent her to Chelette after she came out at 16. Julie says she was so defensive about being lesbian, her first counseling sessions were spent cussing out Chelette. ’Atta girl! Sadly, her righteous indignation was short-lived. With the help an unnamed female friend, Chelette embraced and began nurturing Julie — telling Julie she was adorable. Julie said she began to “feel the type of love” she had been searching for in gay life. See, kids? Gays are just looking for attention and affection in all the wrong places.

Dressed in jeans and a blazer with shoulder-length wavy brown hair, John seemed less interested in emotional connections. He wants to connect with someone whose qualities he admires. Growing up, John never connected with his dad and sought authoritative men. But apparently, John’s daddy-chasing game never felt quite right. His gay tendencies sublimated the distance in the father-son link of the Family Triangle.

After John entered therapy with Living Hope, he continued to date men. But one night, as he was on his way to the home of an ex with whom he had reunited, John had a Joan of Ark-like experience. John heard a voice telling him to turn the car around and go home, which he reluctantly did. It wasn’t clear whether John considered this to be the voice of God or if it was the echo of Chelette’s repressive message that did the trick.

Concerned mother Patty is encouraged by her daughter’s lacquered fingernails, and that she’s dating men again. But the process is not over: The daughter varnishes her nails in black and silver (the horror!), and she still dreams of marrying a Canadian girlfriend.

After living as a gay man for eight years, Brady Cottle said he left the gay world because “he was tired of feeling lost.” He’s now married to a woman and has a 5-year-old daughter. “Does this mean I’m not gay anymore?” he asked. “I’m still thirsty. But without Christ, I would be back in the gay bars tomorrow.” He adds that his aim was never “gay,” but his intention “was and still is God.”

Which is what Living Hope wants him to believe: Focus on God — not on a same sex attraction. Follow that Living Hope rule, and the gay-to-straight transformation will stick.

E-mail: jen@jenaustin.com

Progressive Christians March Across America

Progressive Christians March Across America
by Lori Smith






A small group of Christians will leave Phoenix on Easter Sunday to begin a four-and-a-half month, 2,500-mile walk to Washington, D.C. for a project named CrossWalkAmerica. Co-president Eric Elnes, senior pastor at Scottsdale Congregational United Church of Christ, told RBL, "We're walking in support of the three great loves that Jesus teaches us. He says that at the heart of everything is love of God, neighbor and self."

Added Elnes, "The public face of Christianity in America today seems to be very much different from my own beliefs; "often directly opposed."

Another motivation was "positive hope, that there are a lot of people who believe that you can be a lover of Jesus and also a lover of the environment, a lover of Jesus and love the poor, a lover of Jesus and love gays and lesbians, or be a gay or lesbian. We wanted to go from silence to joyful proclamation."

Awesome.

Music diet

I'm on a strict music diet right now. The way I see it, Christian rock is a good source of protein and I'm overloading on that while trying to stay secular/carb free during Lent. Pink is fantastic and I love her, but she's a huge carb indulgence that I just won't allow myself right now. I can't have my Hootie and the Blowfish either, even though the name leads you to believe they're a lean protein. Nothing but Jars of Clay and Third Day I say.

I started this new music routine a few weeks ago as a way of forcing myself to focus on something besides my own little world while I'm driving and the results have been incredible. Every time I start to stress out or emotionally wander off I turn up the spiritual tunes and force myself to focus on the message. Fighting the urge to flip over to some Blackeyed Peas was hard at first, but it has gotten easier as the weeks have passed. And I've found myself craving the messages...as long as the artists aren't smiling while they're singing. That's a huge pet peeve of mine. If I can tell they're grinning from ear to ear while they're singing they immediately become "golly gee" to me and they lose credibility. I don't mean to judge; it's just a matter of personal taste and I can't stand the grinnin'. Rock out and I love it. Anyway, as I've forced myself to stick to this inspirational music diet, I've numbed out to a lot of the things that had worried me and I've had a lot more peace.

And strange things have happened just out of the blue. When I met with Brady a couple of weeks ago he gave me a Jason Upton CD to listen to. I added that to my rotation and I love it. And last week at church, Jim from 20Something gave me 2 CD's that contained some of his favorite songs; about 19 songs on each CD. I don't know all the artists, but I recognized Third Day, Leigh Nash, and a few others. Great taste Jim! I think God wants me to stick with this new routine even after Lent.

The Gospel of Judas

The idea that another Gospel may be surfacing excites me! Many Christians will position the discovery of the Gospel of Judas as a threat to the faith or heresy, but I find a great deal of comfort in it. Check out the story by clicking on the blog title.

At 20Something the subject of other Gospels comes up quite a bit. Were Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John the only ones who had anything to say about Jesus' time on earth? I doubt it. I heard at one point (don't know if it's true) that there were 84 Gospels written, but only 4 made it into the Bible.

Growing up I believed Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John were the magically gifted ones, chosen exclusively by God, and used as a vessel as God breathed the words of the Bible through them. I still believe they were chosen and that God used them as a vessel. But I no longer believe they were the only ones. I think it's more likely that they were four people of great faith whose observations about Jesus happened to coincide with what the early church wanted to project. That opinion may continue to develop. But for now I would argue that the exclusivity we see in the church today, or the Christian Right's attempt to claim ownership of the faith and strongarm other Christians into believing as they do, is nothing new.

If Jesus walked the earth today, can you imagine how many people would write about it? Millions. Jesus would be a headline in every newspaper, the subject of all of the New York Times bestsellers, and the number of Jesus bloggers would extend from here to infinity. The accounts would probably be as diverse as the population. But how many of those accounts would make it into a new millenium Bible? Probably four. The Gospels of Jerry, Pat, James, and perhaps Phyllis if the Bible-makers were feeling radical enough to include a woman. Phyllis Schlafly's thoughts do seem to fall right in line with other conservative extremists, so she may have a shot. I can guarantee there would not be a Gospel of Jen or the Gospel of any other Jane Doe who tends to approach spirituality from the left, even though those spiritual experiences may be just as heartfelt and valid.

What meaning will the Gospel of Judas have? Is it true? That remains to be seen. But there is no harm in remaining open to the possibilities.

20Something 4-5-06

Tonight's lesson has been posted on the 20something blog. Our group is getting to the point where we just need a few starter questions to spark a fascinating discussion, and this should be a good one!

The study is called Who is God, really? It talks about the difference between perception and real life experience.

http://coh20something.blogspot.com

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted a lesson, but I missed several 20somethings during February and March because I had to be at open houses on Wednesday nights at the broadcasting school where I teach. I'm back now, at least until the next routine disrupter comes along. Have a great day!

Goodness is God's

I grew up believing that if I was a good person and did things correctly, God would bless me more. I knew in my head that God's love for me was unconditional, but I still thought my good behavior could talk God into pumping an increasing amount of good things into my life.

I think this is why it took me so long to begin reconciling being gay and Christian. I had always been told gay "behavior" was not pleasing to God, and as a result I thought my being a lesbian would cause God to withhold blessing.

That's just fear talkin'. That's my own subconscious self-loathing telling me I'm undeserving of good things because I'm somehow less than the good, straight Christians. I am undeserving, but then aren't we all. At last, my experience has helped me realize that whether or not I'm blessed has a whole lot more to do with God's goodness than it does with my good deeds. Goodness radiates from God and I just have to be perceptive enough to catch it. Maybe blessing is a little bit tied to my behavior because if I'm actively grateful God might be a little more likely to keep good things pointed in my direction, but I really don't think good deeds prompt divine rewards.

Over the past few months I've been in a career transition and even though my circumstances have changed, the blessings have remained steady. Good things have continued to eminate from God even though I have become sad, frustrated, and doubtful at times. None of that means I have stopped believing. It just means I've gone through some of the natural emotions that career transitions evoke. And yet God has sent strength, comfort, inspiration, and some incredible unexpected opportunities in the meantime, not because I've been a perfect child, but because God is good and can't help it. How awesome.

I say this every time I go through some sort of transition and I'll say it again: "Thank you so much God, for being so incredibly good and for bringing me through yet another uncertain time. You continue to give me no reason to doubt and every reason to believe. I'm grateful that even though you don't owe me this goodness you continue to give it to me. I'll remember this for the next time..."

And then the next time comes and I start doubting again. When will I learn?