Fully Alive

There are many different areas in my life right now that have me feeling a bit mellow and slow. But I think when we experience those moments of depair, there is still power to be owned. To borrow an idea from Eckhart Tolle, there is always "the power of now."

Sadness and disappointment are just a reminders that we are fully alive.

They renew the depth of our living.

They make us whole and strong.

They help us appreciate simplicity.

And they move us toward God.

It's interesting how happiness and sadness accomplish the exact same thing in the end.

A big fat turkey sandwich is always nice

I'm blessed by turkey today.

I baked it on Saturday lathered in sage butter, topped with turkey bacon, and basted in maple syrup. It's so tender and juicy it falls off the bone. When added to a soft roll and topped with mayo and horseradish cheddar it almost makes me fall over it's so tastey.

I'm sad and anxious today, and this turkey sandwich is the one immediate thing that serves as a source of immeasurable joy and goodness. It is going to take my mind off of stress at home and at work, and it will light me up from the inside out, if only for a moment. I wonder if it knows it will have that dramatic an impact. Oh, the turkey pressure. The sandwich is not even that big. It's just a little potato roll. But in it there is just the tiniest bit of greatness, and it reminds me that God is good, loves me, and will continue to nourish me no matter what.

We found out yesterday that our first attempt at artificial insemination was unsuccessful. The odds of getting pregnant on the first try were stacked heavily against us, but I've never really paid much attention to odds. I figure if God is involved, anything can happen. But it didn't this time, so now we're picking up the emotional pieces and getting ready to try again. There is just so much fear and uncertainty involved. But then, that's faith. We know God has brought us to this point, we know God is at work and will bless us at the right time and in the right way, and we just have to stay committed. That speaks volumes about so many different things in life.

So today, the focus is on simplicity. A walk/run outside on a beautiful autumn morning, an email from a mom who hopes my book will help her daughter know that she can be a lesbian and still love God (that one made me teary-eyed), and this big fat turkey sandwich.

I suppose this is what it means to enjoy the journey, huh God? You're right then. There is always a blessing.

Straight, Not Narrow

Thanks to Jim Johnson for the book review.

http://straightnotnarrow.blogspot.com/

This is a great blog that I check out regularly. Jim is a wholly inclusive spirit who is doing his level best to pump more love and understanding into Christianity. I admire his work and I'm encouraged by his support.

I hope you'll embrace him as he embraces us.

Gay animals out of the closet...Click here

Clicking on the link above will take you to an article published yesterday on MSNBC.

It's becoming harder and harder for fundamentalists to deny that there is homosexuality in the animal kingdom. It's right there before our very eyes. There are even same-sex animal couples who raise the young after using the opposite sex for procreation. Go God!

It must be nice being a gay animal. No discriminatory laws against you, no hateful picket signs, and no Christian Right to tell you you're an abomination. You just exist happily and go about your gay animal business, and that is that. I've never wanted to be a giraffe more than I do right now.

"All in God's time" may mean NOW

Angela and I are trying to start a family right now, and that is an expensive process. But we made the decision several months ago to move ahead with faith, and so far God is exceeding our expectations. Let me rephrase that. We didn't have any expectations. We didn't even have an inkling that God might come through in the way that God has come through so far. Ephesians 3:20 comes to mind, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Some translations use the words "exceedingly, abundantly." God is certainly going "above and beyond" in our lives right now.

When we started this process in April, I didn't have a full-time job. But we still felt like the timing was right to begin. That's gotta be God. Angela had surgery in June, and God met the needs associated with it. We started crunching some numbers last month when we learned exactly how much everything in the baby-making process was going to cost, and when we added those numbers to our other bills (namely property taxes and other year-end pains in the butt) it was enough to give a logical person a good old-fashioned panic attack. But we're not logical! We have faith. And we decided to trudge on and trust God.

Monday of this week, Angela was artificially inseminated. We'll know in two weeks whether or not it was successful. On Tuesday, I learned that I was getting another radio affiliate, which means a small boost in our monthly income. And without going into too much detail, in the past two weeks I've been blessed with seven "extras" like promotional appearances, endorsements, etc. One email I got was from an ad agency in Dallas that I hadn't spoken with for over a year, but they asked if I could do some commercials for a client of theirs in LA. I don't know yet if that is going to pan out, but the point is God is finding some pretty new and exciting ways to meet our needs and exceed our expectations. Yesterday I finally said, "God, THANK YOU for being so obvious right now!" It's extremely humbling. To know that God is blessing us as a lesbian couple trying to conceive, is awe-inspiring. To God be the glory.

A few weeks ago when we were stressing about the numbers, we went over our budget and talked about what we could possibly cut out. We discussed tithing, and Angela said, "Now is NOT the time to quit tithing. We have to continue to be faithful and God will meet our needs." I agreed. And now, after getting just a taste of what would be on the other side of that decision, I'm completely in awe of the goodness that comes from God when we have enough faith to take a risk. Logic be damned! Sometimes God is just wild and crazy and willy nilly, and we have to be adventurous enough to ride the wave. It's still a tad scary knowing how tender the situation is, but something tells me we'll be able to keep our balance just fine. God is good!

Toys for Tots rejects Jesus dolls

Did anyone see the story yesterday? A company that sells Bible-quoting Jesus dolls tried to donate 4,000 of the dolls to the Marine Reserves' Toys for Tots program and they were rejected.

A representative from the company with the Jesus dolls said, "Anyone can benefit from hearing the words of the Bible."

An official with the Toys for Tots said the donation was turned down because the program really doesn't know anything about the religious affiliations of the children who receive its gifts, and, "We can't take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family."

Is it un-Christian of me to agree with Toys for Tots?

While I would love for any "tot" of mine to receive a talking Jesus doll, I really don't think that God is glorified by trying to sneak in a Biblical message next to a Talking Elmo. Perhaps it's just a difference in philosophy. I would rather see Christians lead by example and draw people in that way, rather than actively push messages onto people who may or may not wish to receive them. An evangelist I am not. And I think that is okay.

Toys for Tots distributes 18 million stuffed animals, games, toy trucks, and other gifts to children based on financial need each year. Doesn't that adequately display the grace of God in itself? Sometimes we're so focused on the details, we forget that the big picture already tells the story.

God cracks me up sometimes

God is so good! It's makes me chuckle when I see blatant evidence of it.

I got a call this morning at 9:15 from one of my bosses asking me to come in to work. I usually go in around 4:00, so I was just lounging at the house, drinking coffee, checking email, and thinking about going for a run. Needless to say, I hadn't showered yet and was not the least bit presentable.

I dropped everything, hopped in the shower, and was out the door 35 minutes later. I didn't have time to grab anything to eat, but I just said, "Well, God I know you'll come through for me." It's going to be a 10am-8pm kinda day, with no real opportunities to break for anything other than going to the bathroom. So I walked into the studio today at 10:15, and within 45 minutes, one of my co-workers walked in carrying a tray with a bagel, cream cheese, coffee, and fruit. This never happens to me! Sometimes there is food laying around in the break room, but it's never prepared and delivered straight to me, ya know? This co-worker was all smiles when she brought it to me too, like she had just had a talk with God and was carrying out the grand plan.

I wonder if I get hungry later this afternoon if I can order up some cheese pizza. Ha! Thanks God. I think God is smiling now too, saying, "See Jen...if I can take care of your most basic needs at the drop of a hat, why do you worry about anything at all?!"

Quick election comment

Even though several discriminatory, anti-gay measures passed yesterday in various states, at least the Democrats made moderate gains nationwide. Not in my red-hot state of Texas unfortunately, but that's to be expected.

Several conservative, anti-gay Republican extremists were soundly defeated by Democrats for seats in the House of Representatives. It's a slow process, but perhaps the tide is turning.

To quote John Shelby Spong once again, ultra-conservative fundamentalists "will eventually die off of their own irrelevancy." Perhaps that is beginning to happen.

Ted Haggard

Ted Haggard said yesterday in an open letter to his congregation that he is a "liar and a deceiver" and is guilty of "sexual immorality."

In the materials that I have read I didn't find anything about Haggard actually admitting that he had sex with a gay male prostitute, but it sounds as if "sexual immorality" is a bit more than the massage he first admitted to.

Is Haggard guilty of sexual immorality? If he did commit adultery, then the answer is yes. And it has absolutely nothing to do with homosexuality. This is about one man fighting an inclination, and going outside the bond of marriage to satisfy himself. A Christian marriage is a convenant agreement that binds both partners to God, and Haggard overstepped all of those boundaries. It just so happened that he overstepped them with a man and not a woman, which gives Haggard and other fundamentalists the opportunity to blame homosexuality.

If Haggard had been warring internally against homosexuality his entire life, this will be the perfect time for him to say, "See, this is what can happen when one gives in to homosexual demons. Destruction is the result." NO, this is what happens when one gives in to sin of any kind. This situation is independent of homosexuality. Instead it deals with lies, deception, and adultery; and those things are destructive on any level.

While scandals like these continue to pop up, there are thousands of committed gay Christian couples who continue to live on in peace and with God at the center of their relationship. It's those couples who provide the most consistent Christian inspiration.

Constantly conscious

I feel sorry for people who go through life spiritually detached. I just think they're missing something. Feeling constantly plugged into God carries such a deep, deep peace. And joy that is unemotional but steady; meaning it doesn't feel like doing a Cruise couch jump, but is completely content being quiet and calm. It's happiness that continuously rumbles beneath the surface.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not able to fully acknowledge that presence. The days are busy. There are a million things to do. But this week I changed a few login passwords to words that have spiritual significance for me, so every time I type them it's a little tiny prayer and an additional moment of focus. And these passwords are really hard to forget.

There are probably a thousand other little things I could do each day to plug into God more squarely. But this is a step.

From goodness, goodness comes

When Angela and I lived in Austin and had been together for about a year, we started talking about getting a third schnauzer. At the time, we only had two. We took long walks together, and talked about God, goodness, and puppies. We did that for about nine months, and then Marlee Bean came into our lives. (She had the benefit of a full 9-month gestation period.) She's a blessing.

Beanie is 7 years old now. And our conversations have turned to having children rather than puppies. Besides, we have 4 schnauzers now and it's just a good time to stop! All of the dogs came to us out of an unselfish desire to love little bits of God's creation, and children will come to us in the same way.

Of course we wonder how other people will view us once we have a family. Will our children be teased because they have two mommies? Will we face judgment because we brought "fatherless" children into the world? When I think of all the possible questions, I'm frightened a bit, but at the same time there is an incredible amount of underlying peace. It's the same peace that tells me I'm okay as a gay Christian, and that I am on the exact spiritual path that God wants me to be on. What happens in the periphery is less important than what happens at the core. Just as I trudge on as a gay Christian, I will trudge on as a gay Christian parent.

I told Angela the other day, "You know, we are reaching new heights in the minority category." We're lesbians; that's a minority. We're Christian lesbians; that's a minority within the minority. And now we could enter into the world of Christian lesbian mothers. What's next? Christian lesbian mothers with triplets? We do actually know one couple that fits that description and they could use some company. But no matter how small the category, our faith remains the same. We love God. And from that goodness, goodness comes.

All of this is to say, Angela's monthly cycle is now in motion and if all stays on schedule our first insemination attempt will happen the week before Thanksgiving. We've prayed every step of the way. We feel like God led us to the right doctor, that God has prepared our hearts for whatever it is that lies ahead, and that God will work within our human limitations to give birth to more divine goodness.

So it is with faith that we move forward. We are committed to each other, to God, and to our family. Though others may judge it, we know the truth and the truth is good. God is good. And though the road may be long and winding, we promise to enjoy the journey.