Jason Upton and other thoughts

I've been listening a lot to a CD Brady gave me while we were having coffee on Tuesday. Anyone heard of Jason Upton? He's got an amazing voice and does the kind of music that just lets you close your eyes and almost be launched directly into God's presence. Unless you're driving. I've listened a lot in the car, but I'm pretty sure it's an eyes-closed sort of CD if you're in the right setting. One song can be 10 or 12 minutes long, but I like it.

Sarah has some valid points in her comment on the previous blog. I know several people like Sarah who have had bad experiences with ex-gay ministries (and have even become suicidal as an indirect result) and I don't mean to minimize those. And I'm not trying to make the point that just because I'm off to a good start with Brady, all ex-gay ministries are warm and inviting. I know that's not the case. In fact, I think it's more accurate to say that Brady is probably a diamond in the rough under the ex-gay umbrella, and to conclude any more than that at this point would be foolish.

If his motives aren't pure, perhaps Brady will tire of my commitment to both God and gay, and give up on me after awhile. I guess then I'll think differently. But feel like I saw purity in him on Tuesday and I'll let that guide me for now.

I feel like God has been asking me to become more aware of the generalizations I make about fundamentalists, the Christian Right, and all of the others who don't get it (ha!), and I consider Brady to be part of that lesson. He is one person who can't really be lumped in with the whole, and I'm grateful for the things he can teach me. So that's part of the reason I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and hoping that this turns out to be an edifying relationship. I don't want to hold him responsible for the damage that other ex-gay ministries have done. (I know Sarah isn't saying I should hold him responsible, I just think it's an important point to restate.) Brady might be the sandpaper that needs to smooth me over in many ways.

But while my experience with with this ex-gay ministry might be a personal challenge that leads to positive growth, I'm definitely not endorsing ex-gay ministries. That path works for some, but it's not the only way. More about that to come.

Coffee bridges the gap

I made a new friend today.

I'll admit that when I first saw Brady speak at the Living Hope Ministries conference a few weeks ago, really getting to know him was the last thing on my mind. Perhaps I thought I knew enough about him. I knew he had been in a gay relationship for seven years and is now married to a woman and has a daughter who is almost 5, and he's heavily involved with an ex-gay ministry. Case closed, right? Since he's a Christian whose pursuit of God required him to walk out of homosexuality, surely he's in cahoots with Jerry Falwell and agrees that I'm an abomination to God and on a fast track to hell, right?

If there's one thing I've become good at as I've matured in my faith, it's judging others. I've almost mastered it.

Brady has said that he doesn't have an agenda, and I've discovered that to be the absolute truth. It's not his mission to change my mind about things, and it's not my mission to change his. God can use us both to love each other and bring understanding where there wasn't understanding before. As it is with every divinely inspired relationship, there is a purpose.

When I was first asked to attend the ex-gay conference, I naturally wondered whether I'd have to check my gayness at the door or if I'd be singled out and scolded somehow for being able to reconcile homosexuality and Christianity. Brady and I laughed today about my fear that I was going to be hooked up to electrodes right then and there. Nothing of the sort transpired. Any apprehension I felt about going to the conference was just my own fear, that I might feel bad about myself or discover them to be somehow "more Christian" than I was. But after really thinking about it and getting to know Brady, I've become better able to understand that we're all "true Christians." We just experience God differently.

As we talked today I felt like I was experiencing a little slice of God on a platter, as Alanis Morissette would say. I love that lyric. Brady is a true seeker, and although he and I disagree about some things, the love that each of us has for God breaks through and transcends all thought. Even if we don't always connect on a human level, we connect on a spiritual level. And that's way more relevant.

A few years ago I might not have been strong enough to drink lattes with someone who considers it a sin to be gay. I might have felt defensive, like I needed to justify my beliefs and make the person across from me see it my way. But I didn't have any of those feelings today. Perhaps that's a credit to Brady's hunger for God and his ability to let me hunger for God in my own way. He trusts in God's ability to work in my life, and that's refreshing because it doesn't seem to be the case with organizations like Focus on the Family and others. It doesn't even seem to be the case with Exodus, the parent organization for Living Hope Ministries. I love it when my real life experience doesn't match the projected images.

It would have been easy to stay in my comfort zone and not make any attempt to bridge the gap, but God doesn't call me or any other Christian to sit by and let fear keep us from building relationships. It's silly to reach out only to those who are exactly like we are. Brady and I are going to continue to meet for coffee every few weeks and we may even go out to dinner and include our spouses sometime. I'm looking forward to it. It's not about gay versus straight or who is the better Christian, but it's about seeking God and putting that quest first.

As Brady puts it, "God is huge. It's my faith that makes God small." Indeed. If God can handle our differences, making the effort to reach out and connect with one another is the least we can do.

Iona Community

I subscribe to a daily devotion through Cathedral of Hope and this was part of the one I received yesterday. I thought it was compelling so I decided to share.

There is a religious community in Scotland called the Iona Community. They believe and practice that worship or liturgy is all the work we do, inside or/and outside the church. They live this conviction out daily. The community gathers each morning for worship. They read scripture, sing songs, and pray. There is, however, no benediction, no conclusion. The members leave the chapel and proceed to whatever their tasks of the day may be. That is, they continue their liturgy, their worship until it is time to return to the chapel. There is no call to worship, no beginning since they've been at worship all day and what's happening now is a continuation of that worship in another form. Only at the very end of the day when all the tasks are completed there is a benediction: a blessing for the day and a prayer for the rest of the night.

What a great reminder to remain open to God every moment of evey day. I've noticed the more I grow in my relationship with God, the more I pray and the more informal my prayers become. I pray sometimes while I'm checking email, cooking turkey burgers, shopping for frozen blueberries in the grocery store, picking up schnauzer doo-doo in the backyard, and all sorts of strange places. Sometimes it's just to say thanks. Not necessarily for the dog doo-doo, but defintely for the blueberries and the feta-infused turkey. I love knowing that God is listening anytime I open my mouth.

Wednesday night at 20Something we talked about stress, so the subject of prayer was a natural sidebar. I mentioned a small group lesson of Angela's this week that suggested God does nothing without prayer. If we won't pray there is no action. I don't know if I believe that completely. There have been times when I haven't known where things would lead and couldn't possibly have prayed for results, and it's in those times that I think God initiates the action in and give me hints about the direction I should take. I didn't pray for the nudges. But then maybe someone else prayed for me. In that case it's true that God doesn't act without prayer. Who knows! Only God does.

Wednesday night in our 20Something discussion I said sometimes I think God might whisper someone's name to us just so we'll offer up that name in prayer. We might not know what that person needs, but God does and just needs the invitation to move in his or her life. There's so much to ponder.

As we were closing in prayer Wednesday night a semi-random name popped into my head, and after the spiel I had just given I had no choice but to throw this name into the prayer mix. After we finished and were cleaning up, Scot (20something co-leader) said something to me about this girl and that opened up a long conversation about some things that Scot and I needed to address and all of it could lead to some much-needed healing not only in her life but in her relationship with the church. The results remain to be seen, but I'm continuing to learn that an attitude of openness and all-day worship goes a long way in living a more spiritually profound life.

In other words, thank God for blueberries.

Things that make a girl pray

Upcoming things to help me pray about if ya wanna:

3/28 - Coffee with Brady from Living Hope Ministries (from the ex-gay conference and previous blogs)
3/28 - Lunch with Pam Harris from CBS 11 (an infectious spirit that I'm only beginning to cultivate a friendship with and love to pieces)

5/6 - 2nd time hosting the GAYLA Prom

5/12 - SPCA Benefit at Sue Ellen's

Other things:

The Dallas Voice article on the ex-gay conference has turned out to be quite the undertaking. The editor has been helpful with his critiques and I know this will be a catalyst for growth, but right now it's hard. He's not a Christian so every time I trot out my gay Christian perspective he says he barfs, even though I only added it after repeated prompts to add more "Jen Austin". So now I'm having to re-write again. I understand his position because he knows his audience and he knows what he wants out of this article. I just wish I was better at delivering it. It's hard to write about conservative Christian ministry without addressing it from the liberal Christian side, but I will do my best and submit it again. The parts that I've written so far and have been happy with will go in the new book I'm working on now, so it hasn't been a total waste.

And...the girl who had committed to designing the cover for my first book backed out yesterday. But after whining about it for a few minutes and deciding to turn the belly-aching into prayer, a web-designer friend of mine came to mind and an incredibly loud "duh" started echoing in my head. I don't know why I didn't think of her sooner. She's reliable, talented, and she's a gay Christian so she understands the project. She immediately said yes. I guess it's just a matter of continuing to be flexible and trusting that there will always be a way through. My book editor backed out two months ago because of time constraints, but now I have two new editors that I trust and respect and have a great working relationship with, and I couldn't ask for a better situation. All of this has reinforced the idea that no matter who jumps off, this gravy train keeps on rollin'. Nestled in prayer of course.

Journey Out

Angela swears that something is stirring in the cosmos right now that is making strange, counterproductive things happen to nearly every living breathing human being on the planet. Even more adversity than than usual. It seems like everyone is dealing with some type of serious stresser right now, and if it isn't finances or a job struggle, it's a smack in the teeth with a wayward baseball. Angela works in a pediatric dental office, so perhaps it's all relative. But I've noticed an increase in need too.

Two people have called me in the last two days looking for a group that struggling teens might be able to plug into. Both calls were from acquaintances of mine who knew of fourteen year-old boys who were gay and struggling with drugs, promiscuity, and thoughts of suicide, and they wanted a referral to a positive group that might help teens work through those issues. I mentioned Journey Out. It's odd that two people would call within forty eight hours of each other, looking for the answer to the same question for two people of the exact same age. Perhaps Journey Out is about to go through a growth spurt.

I doubt that these boys are alone, so I'm posting the link. Journey Out is loosely affiliated with Cathedral of Hope, but it meets outside of the church and includes a variety of faiths. Angela and I were guest speakers there a couple of years ago (as were a couple of other blog readers) and it's a warm, energetic group that has become a great resource for many GLTBQ teens who are just beginning to make peace with things.

Check it out if you're in Dallas, and if you're in another part of the world I hope you'll use it as a model to start your own teen support group.

Swearing

My agent forwarded this to me and I thought it was interesting. Thought-provoking for sure. It seems like fundamentalists at times want to blur the line between church and state, or at the very least attempt to use religion when their interpretation of it supports their argument. It's odd that higher levels of goodness, love, and compassion can often be found outside of religion.

Sent: Saturday, March 11, 2006 9:26 PM
Subject: Getting it straight

On Wednesday, March 1, 2006, in Annapolis at a hearing on the proposed Constitutional Amendment to prohibit gay marriage, Jamie Raskin, professor of law at AU, was requested to testify.

At the end of his testimony, Republican Senator Nancy Jacobs said: "Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?"

Raskin replied: "Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible."

The room erupted with applause.

Brady's comment, repost

For those of you who don't automatically see comments or click to read them, here's a repost of a great comment left on the 3/6 blog, and my response to it.

Brady said...
Hello Ms. Austin, I want to thank you again for coming to the conference. And while we may disagree on some issues, I don’t believe it needs to be a point of dissension or give us any reason to refrain from building community with each other. I do appreciate you quoting me, however, I do believe it’s important to quote me in context. You wrote: Although one ex-gay speaker admitted, "Without Christ I would be back in the gay bars tomorrow," so perhaps one never truly reaches the level of "ex-gay." In that case, I'm sad for this fellow, who has become convinced that wholeness in God cannot be achieved as a gay man" I did in fact say this. It’s also important to note that I also said it was, at one point, not my intention to be anything but gay and Christian. I framed what I said by explaining that in the process of regaining an intimate relationship with God, I drew the conclusion that I was not gay. My aim was not “gay”, it was and is God. I left my identity on the altar and asked Him to respond. I know this is hard to believe for some, but nonetheless it is my experience. I would add to that statement that I am neither gay or ex-gay and that these types of labels are limiting terms that don’t describe the whole “self”. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, so please don’t feel as if you have to show me pity. As an American, I enjoy the privilege of self-direction and my life decisions follow suit. I noticed on your website here that you list the personal qualities you admire most as:Qualities you admire - Self-awareness, reflection, individualityQualities you don't - Narrow-mindedness, narcissism, self-righteousnessIt seems to me that we would get along just fine if we had the opportunity to know each other. Which reminds me, by the way, I’m still waiting to hear from you about my invitation to have coffee and discuss your views on the conference. You see, I really don’t have an agenda. I really want to know. Would you be willing at the very least to let me lend you my ear in hopes that we can build bridges to understand each other rather than drawing inaccurate conclusions about one another? In my view, the gay/straight debate has gone on long enough. Our focus as Christians is to reveal the love and compassion of Christ to those who have yet to know it. We are exhorted by the directives in the New Testament epistles to love each other purely and to be devoted to each other completely. Let’s mutually decide to move past the agendas and exemplify The Kingdom of God. I hope you will give me a chance by hearing what I really have to say.

My response:

Hi Brady -

Thanks for taking the time to write the thought-provoking comment on my blog. It was grace-filled and poignant and I enjoyed reading it.

I've been writing and revising the article for the Dallas Voice all week and haven't had much time to write follow-up blogs or respond to emails. Sorry about that. I would enjoy sitting down and visiting over coffee sometime, and hearing more about your experience and how you view things.

I didn't mean for the blog to come across as if I felt sorry for you. Perhaps if I had written that blog after four days of intense thought and writing rather than Monday morning, it wouldn't have taken that tone even slightly. I'm glad you're happy and I agree that we will probably get along just fine if we have the opportunity to know each other. I too agree that God wants us to build community and hope that you and I can be one of the bridges that carries out that vision.

Let's hook up for coffee soon. You can reach me at...

To be continued...

Moral Obligations

Here's an interesting random quote that was printed in the margin of Saturday's Dallas Morning News, Religion section:

"We have a moral obligation to balance our budget."

U.S. Senator Sam Brownback (Rep. - Kansas), a conservative Christian, on why he voted for a budget bill that would cut assistance to the needy.

It's always interesting to note where moral obligations lie.

Angela and I attended an ex-gay conference in Burleson, Texas over the weekend, and the group of predominantly white conservatives who were there also seemed to possess some definitive moral obligations which they did not hesitate to impart. They seemed to consider it their duty to let the world know about the root causes of homosexuality (brokenness in the model of the perfect family, for example), why homosexuality is an attempt to "fill a legitimate need in an illegitimate way," how the church should respond to gay "strugglers," why the culture is partially to blame with the increase in the acceptance of gay images in the mainstream, and so on.

It's impossible to condense the pages and pages of notes that Angela and I took in this small space, but for now suffice it to say that through all of this talk, there was no account for "healthy homosexuality." Of course, they would say there is no such thing. But relationships that are good at the core and from which goodness springs forth do exist and God works powerfully in them. They also seemed to believe that if only a gay person would turn to God and fully commit to a life of righteousness rather than a life of sin, there would be a radical transformation in that person's ideas about sexual orientation. In their eyes, Jesus' love becomes redemptive in this way and allows for the transformation from gay to ex-gay. Although one ex-gay speaker admitted, "Without Christ I would be back in the gay bars tomorrow," so perhaps one never truly reaches the level of "ex-gay." In that case, I'm sad for this fellow, who has become convinced that wholeness in God cannot be achieved as a gay man. I beg to differ.

According to them, brokenness is "defining myself in ways other than God would define me." I don't disagree with that in the grand scheme of things, but coming from them it includes the assumption that being gay is one of the ways "other than God would define me" and that conflicts with what I have already discovered to be true about God. When fruit of the Spirit is evident (peace, joy, generosity, kindness, etc.) sin is absent, because fruit cannot spring forth from sin. They see automatic brokenness in homosexuality while I see the potential for wholeness. It's a difference in our conviction and experience as Christians.

I'm about to start writing an article about this for the Dallas Voice and I'll post it here as soon as it's published.

Ash Wednesday

I grew up Methodist, and we never placed much emphasis on Lent. I always thought it was a Catholic thing and since I knew God would love me just the same whether I observed Lent or not, I never put much thought or effort into it.

God started to stir in me a little bit more during college and I ended up observing Lent several years in a row by giving up chocolate, or peanut butter, or any of the other food-related usuals (Never caffeine. Believe me, God wants me to have caffeine), but it wasn't until recently that Lent really started to mean something to me.

No matter if I give something up, add a new discipline, or just sit and think long and hard about what Jesus did for me, Lent changes my focus. It's a powerful reminder about the costs that can be associated with choosing to pursue God. And when I see it through all the way to the end, it becomes incredibly transformational in the way that I become increasingly willing to make sacrifices in God's name. It may seem that Lent is about scaling back and sacrifricing various pleasures, but the result is the exact opposite -- a richer relationship with God. I don't suppose I should be surprised--God often adds blessing to sacrifice and grows it into something bigger than I could ever have imagined, whether it relates to exercise, commitment to prayer, tithing or anything else that requires a good bit of discipline. I make the move; God magnifies the effort.

It seems odd to wish you a "Happy Lent" since it is such a reflective and pensive time, but that's what I'm feeling right now. I hope you enjoy Lent as much as I enjoy it. It can be a difficult time, but that's exactly why it's so empowering. I'm happy to have immediate access to such a profoundly loving God, who brings comfort and healing during even the darkest of times, and 40 days of renewed focus always brings me a step closer to realizing the scope of what exactly that implies. I think I'm only at the begining.

It's funny, but as I grow in my relationship with God, my being a lesbian becomes less and less relevant. God may lead me toward sacrificing Peanut M&M's if they become an obstacle that gets in the way of what's important in life, but since my being gay includes the ability to love more deeply than I ever thought possible and goodness stems from it, God uses it to funnel more love, peace, and joy into my little corner of the world, and teaches me about the impact of love that continues to overcome.

So, Happy Lent. May it be truly transformational...