Equal reliance. Easier said than done.

From November through early May I went through some tough times at work, and I found myself relying wholeheartedly on God for every paycheck, opportunity, and other upward movement. I prayed every time God popped into my mind and every time I felt myself wandering off into worry land. I still stressed out, but at the same time the underlying calm was the thing that carried me through. God answered a thousand little prayers along the way, and then answered the big prayer for a cool new job. After I got the job I spent the first two days exhaling and thanking God as each breath left me, but since then I don't feel like I've been as outwardly grateful. I still pray more than once a day, but not with the urgency or spiritual nakedness that I prayed with during the stressful time.

Everyone always says that you don't really get close to God until things go wrong, and there's a lot of truth in that. When things get scary it's natural to retreat into someone big, strong, and protective. And when things are going well there's a tendency to think we're just fine on our own and that we're completely capable of balancing on the high wire all by ourselves. As soon as there's a little stumble I'll run right back to the big, strong, and protective One.

Perhaps this is the time I'll learn to be just as reliant on God during the good times as I am during the bad. And the bad times aren't even all that bad. Evidence of God. So it follows that if my reliance on God is equal during the good times and the bad, the good times should be off-the-charts awesome, right? If God can sustain me and keep me from crashing during the bad times, then the good times should be that much better. Perhaps if I could truly accomplish equal reliance during good and bad times I would discover that God is indeed able to do "exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think" as it says in Ephesians 3:20; one of my favorite verses. One of these days I'll get it and I'll be able to carry the lesson with me a little bit better.

For now, thanks God, for sustaining me and for putting up with the constant analysis. Thanks for being so much more consistent than I am. You're the best!

That's a start.

Angela has a new gig too

Wow, this new schedule has cut down on my blogging time. But I'm loving the new job. I still love God... I didn't want you to think I've become a heathen now that I've been sucked deeper into the radio world. I may not blog as often, but I'll still blog.

Angela has decided to co-lead 20Something in my absence. She'll be great at it. She has been praying for a way to increase her service, and she says God actually answered two prayers by opening the door for me at Mix 102.9. Now that she doesn't have to spend quality time with me in the evenings she can devote some time to writing 20something lessons and attending on Wednesdays. :-) She has one of the best, most genuine hearts I've ever seen and 20something will be lucky to have her guidance in this new, increased role.

God has been really active in our lives lately. I should amend that statement. God has been more obvious in our lives lately. God is always active, but sometimes we get too wrapped up in things to notice. Now we're gettin' smacked over the head with great big obvious helllloooo's. Makes me wonder what's next.

Life has been crazy lately

I fully intended to sit down today and write a blog about the Da Vinci Code, but life is just too nutty right now and I can't focus. It's good nutty, but still nutty.

Let me recap the nuttiness first. Last week I accepted a new position within my company and I start on Monday. Praise God! This is the answer to a 6-month prayer, so I'm incredibly grateful, excited to begin, and in awe of God's work during the string of events that led up to it. To simplify, God had to say "no" to several other opportunities in order for this one to fall into my lap. I didn't like hearing "no" at the time, but now that I at least partially understand the reasons behind it, the "yes" is a whole lot sweeter. Go God.

Last night was my last night at 20Something. This new job will mean I'm working during the later part of the day and it's no longer possible to commit to Cathedral of Hope on Wednesdays. I'm sad about that. At the same time I'm looking forward to the next ministry opportunity that God will somehow work into my schedule. Scot and I shed a few tears last night after he said an amazing prayer. We swapped one of the best hugs ever. He will always be an important part of my life and I love him to pieces.

On the way to 20something, Angela and I were rear-ended on the Tollway. It was rush hour and traffic was heavy. The girl in front of us stopped so we stopped, but the girl behind us couldn't stop, and smashed into us from behind and pushed us into the girl in front of us. Then a fourth car hit the girl who had caused the accident. Everyone was fine, which is good news. Well, I should say no one needed medical attention at the scene. My shoulder started hurting last night and my shoulder and neck hurt today. Angela's lower back is sore too. So we'll have to see what to do with that. My vehicle was driveable so we made it to church, but something will have to be done about that too. I'm most upset about the Starbucks Frappuccinos that we lost in the chaos. They both went flying toward the windshield and spilled in all sorts of crevices. At least we had consumed half. Caramel Light Frapps. My fav.

Now I must prepare something to say at tomorrow night's charity event...Drink for the Dogs! I'm really excited about this. Proceeds benefit the SPCA. It's not about drunkenness and debauchery, before you get all out of whack. Proceeds from cokes and water will benefit the pups just as easily as the tequila shots. Casey Cheshier and Chelsea Baird have done and awesome job organizing, and I think we'll be seeing more of them at future events.

Let me say this about The Davinci Code. I loved the book and can't wait to see the movie. If Jesus were alive today, I really doubt that he would protest. He may or may not agree with it, but I think his faith was such that after he watched the movie he would probably go off to be alone with God, leaving the chaos and protests to those whose faith pushed them in that direction. That's just my opinion. If the protests are an effort to prove faith, I think they fail miserably. They do the exact opposite. They seem to scream, "My faith is so shakeable, this movie has put me over the edge!" I really don't think Jesus would have been the least bit rocked by a movie. Truth is truth, and he would have been content with that. Again, my opinion.

Tonight Angela and I are having a quiet evening at home. What a week.

God shows up at Starbucks sometimes

I just got home from having coffee again with Brady from Living Hope Ministries, so I'm in a great mood. I feel like I got my God on today. He's an amazing source of love and goodness. Being with him for an hour makes me feel like I've read the Bible during that time, and I'm sure that makes God smile.

Brady said something to me today that really stuck. He reminded me about something I said the last time we met for coffee, and he said it made him think and forced him to really respond from the heart. He said no one had ever posed the question to him this way before. I can't actually recall the exact way that I phrased it and posed it to him, but it's okay because if I misquote myself I don't care. I won't sue. I think I asked him something like, "Do you think I'm a lesser Christian because I'm a lesbian?" Brady thought about it for a minute during that first meeting and said "No," and he reiterated that today. That sentiment alone knocks down a million walls and allows us to have an honest spiritual relationship with one another. He trusts in my ability to hear from, and experience God, and I trust in his.

His experience as a Christian led him away from homosexuality while my experience as a Christian includes homosexuality, but we can still sit at Starbucks on a Friday morning and talk about God's character, share stories about the ways that God is moving in our lives, and fold our hands and close our eyes and pray earnestly at the end before we go our separate ways. The gay thing is so irrelevant in the grand scheme! Jesus is the point and Brady is a great reminder. I love that.

If this lesbian goes to hell, here's why

I've written about Sodom and Gomorrah before, and each time I've said it's not a passage that condemns me as a lesbian. Over the weekend though, I realized that if I do end up in hell, this passage could very well have something to do with it.

The story of the destruction of Sodom Gomorrah is in Genesis 19. In a nutshell: Lot invites two angels to stay with him, an angry mob shows up at Lot's door and demands "to know" the angels, and Lot refuses to let the angry mob in. The angels end up yanking Lot back into the house to protect him and they strike the mob with blindness. Lot and his family left the city, and both Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed immediately after.

This is one of the clobber passages frequently used to condemn homosexuality. Even after having been through it hundreds of times, it's still not immediately obvious to me how this passage relates to homosexual orientation as we know it today.

Some Christians believe that because the mob that showed up at Lot's door was primarily male and demanded to have sex with the male angels and the city was destroyed as a result, that God is saying something negative about homosexual orientation. Angela and I don't call our gay friends and invite them out to the suburbs for a wild night of knocking on doors and demanding to rape our neighbors' same sex houseguests. Once again, I'll say that this has nothing to do with homosexual orientation. It has everything to do with inhospitality.

I left out the part about Lot offering his daughters to the angry mob. In Lot's culture, inhospitality was a greater sin than allowing one's own daughters to be raped. Lot opened up his home to the angels and in doing so silently vowed to keep them comfortable all costs, even if it meant sacrificing his own daughters. Even though the odd set of circumstances makes it hard to relate today, there is still a lot to be learned. Be hospitable.

Angela's family was in town over the weekend and they stayed with us. Her sister, nephew, and grandmother, drove in Friday night and her mom drove in Saturday. They've been coming to visit a lot lately for reasons that would only complicate this blog so I'll skip over them. But Saturday afternoon I got stressed. I worked Saturday morning and went to a lunch meeting after that, then hopped on the treadmill and was in the midst of thinking about a speech I had to give that night at the gay prom, when I found out that two family members might be coming back the very next weekend and staying for a week. My mind immediately went to my schedule and all of the work I have to do at the radio station and out of the house, and my reaction was unfavorable to say the least. Angela has regular office hours so she's gone during the day, and if I'm at home I'm working toward deadlines and don't want to take time out to entertain. I'll leave it at that.

We ended up talking about everything and it's all going to work out just fine, but my knee-jerk reaction was to be selfish and unwelcoming. It was all about me, when God would prefer that I have an attitude that is all about them. I recognized the mistake immediately and apologized, but it really caused me to think. Sodom and Gomorrah totally condemns me! The story came to mind right away and slapped me upside the head, like a big Bible-loaded, "Duh!" I'm not a Bible-thumper. I'm a Bible-thumpee. It smacks me around.

Genesis 19 does speak directly to me, but not with lessons about how wrong it is to be gay. It has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with inhospitality, and that's the sin that I must deal with. Tea anyone?

In case you missed it

I hate to be an over-blogger and post this info more than once, but just in case this is the way to reach that one person who won't hear about it elsewhere...

This is a great event for GLBT students between 14 and 22. It's happening tomorrow night on the SMU campus from 8-midnight, and it's a hoot! 2006 GAYla prom. Come with a date or come solo. They're expecting between 300 and 500. It's a great way to meet people.

http://gaylaprom.org

I'm hosting again this year and they asked me to prepare a few words to say. I think I might say something to this effect...

"Prom for me was a completely different experience. Picture me about 40 pounds heavier, these pastey white arms in a sleeveless, lacey, light blue, floor-length dress, before braces, hair in big loose curls but flirtin' with a mullet, trying to walk like I wasn't a linebacker in a tutu... and I was with a guy. THAT was the ugly part. But it's the way it was at my school.

This is a great opportunity for you to be you, and really love the one you're with. Or like the one you're with, depending on where you are in the relationship. Don't want things to move too fast. Just because we're gay doesn't mean we've lost our morals..."

Hope to see you there.

Figuring out Faith

My friend Will delivered a great sermon at his church in Corpus Christi over the weekend, called Doubting, Faithless, Believing Thomas. If you want to read it, just click on the Rev. Will Rice link to the right.

Jesus was with Thomas in his doubt, and he was with Thomas when he believed. Jesus met him where he was. As GLBT Christians, we probably experience more doubt than anyone because we've been told over and over again that God has a problem with us, and that thought naturally injects doubt into our journey of faith. There can be doubt at the core of our relationship with God about its validity and there can be regular ole doubt that all Christians probably experience, regarding circumstances, God's will, etc. Doubt, doubt, doubt. Will helps put it all in perspective.

Last week one of the passages I focused on was Matthew 21:21-22. It says (NRSV):

Jesus answered them, "Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only will you do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, 'Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' it will be done. Whatever you ask for in prayer with faith, you will receive."

I seriously doubt my ability to make the Rockies dive into the Pacific. But if God had given me that gift of rearranging geography, I bet I could do it.

Maybe what Jesus is saying here is not that faith gives us license to perform all sorts of random miracles just for the heck of it, but rather that faith equips us to use our own gifts to the best of our abilities. Faith may not allow us to change our hair color to pink no matter how strongly we believe in the possibility, but it can invoke small miracles in our circumstances and move us through whatever the challenge of the moment happens to be. If we're committed to our own gifts and we believe in God's ability to use them to the fullest, that is.

My mom always taught me to pray according to God's will, and I always do. But the way I view God's will has changed over the past few years. I used to subscribe to the idea that God's will was most often opposite mine, and that by submitting to God's will I would have to give up something I really wanted. But the more I pray and experience God, the more I believe it's likely that God's will is right in line with my own. Before lightning strikes, let me explain.

God has spent my entire life preparing me for whatever it is I'm supposed to do. I've prayed and God has answered, I've studied and God has revealed, I've experienced and God has affirmed. It hasn't been smooth sailing the whole time, but for the most part God and I have maintained a steady relationship. As a natural part of the process, God has refined me and fine-tuned my gifts so I'm better able to use them for the greater good. Since God has invested this kind of time in me, it's only right to include some sort of vision for the future so I know that I'm on the right track and not just willy nilly following the wind. Although I would do that too if I thought God was using it to lead me.

By giving me an overall vision for my life it helps me determine whether or not something I want is God's will--whether my will and God's will are in harmony or not. If something I want is good and would contribute to the overall vision that God has given me, then it's probably God's will. If not, then it's not. Could I be wrong about the details getting from point A to point B? Absolutely. But faith tells me I'll get there anyway.

God doesn't give us gifts and deny us the opportunity to use them. Becoming more aware of our own gifts is part of the maturity process as Christians, and wanting to bring glory to God helps us seize the opportunity to use them.

I'm not offering a formula for figuring out God's will! I'm just thinking in print. My point is I don't think God brings us along a certain path and shows us the way, only to will things for our lives that are the exact opposite of what we have come to want for ourselves. Maturing as Christians changes the way we view the world and our own lives, and it causes us to want the same healthy things God wants for us. Obviously, if I decide I want a million dollars I could be wrong about that being God's will for my life. But if I discover something else to be an opportunity to bring glory to God and spread some love, then God probably wants it too.

This blog could go on forever. What if we think we're on the right track and we find major obstacles in the road? Does that mean it's not God's will? Hasn't God equipped us to overcome obstacles and won't doing so strengthen us for the next challenge? So many thoughts and questions. It's a good thing the Christian journey is lifelong.