I'm excited, scared, and a bit of a loon

My first book-signing is coming up on Sunday, and I really hope you can make it. The way I see it, we're all in this together and the more support we can provide for one another, the more good we can release in the world. I can't do it by myself! God will work through me, but you have to be there to catch the good vibes. ;-) I'll catch the ones coming from you too, I promise.

This book signing will be after each service at Cathedral of Hope in Dallas (5910 Cedar Springs), this Sunday October 1. First service starts at 9:00, and the book signing will follow in the Welcome Center right next to the bookstore at around 10:15. The second signing will follow the 11:00 service, so around 12:15. We'll stay until the last book is signed, which could be 12:16, but I hope I miss a little more NFL football than that. I'll even stay at church until halftime of the noon games if I have to. I don't say that often. ;-)

There will be a great opportunity to support an independent bookstore on October 14th. The Bookworm in Frisco, Texas is incredibly excited about the book, and they have asked Mix 102.9 to come out for a promotional visit just ahead of the book signing. The more we support them, the more they will be able to do in the future. Mix will be there on the 14th from 4-6pm, and my book signing will be from 6-8pm. The people who own the store are fantastic, and even if you can't make it to see them on the 14th, I hope you'll stop by their store anytime you need a book of any sort. The big chain stores are nice, but this store is a true original that deserves our support.

Both of these upcoming events are an opportunity to support a movement that is all about helping others and inspiring them to own the faith. For more information you can always visit http://jenaustin.com. Your support is invaluable.

Sincere thanks for all the help so far. Quite frankly, all of this makes me nervous, and I've asked myself numerous times why I can't just sit on the couch and watch the world pass me by. It would be so much easier. And safer. But then I pray, and I realize that "safe" is exactly where I don't want to be. God is much happier when I'm out on a limb and dangling before a pack of wolves, because it's then that I have to trust God the most. So here I go.

Gay Christian is the new gay

I came out to myself over ten years ago, and at that point coming out to others was a scary process for me. I really felt like people would think differently about me once they knew that I was a lesbian, and I wanted to avoid that at all costs. There was a lot of fear (and perhaps a mild bit of self-loathing) involved. Back then it was easier (and therefore better, I thought), to just sneak through life without giving away that bit of information about myself.

Maybe it's just because I've had a decade now to experience other people's reactions, but I really think most people now are numb to whether or not a person is gay. It doesn't seem to be a big deal. Generally speaking, I don't feel judged by the vast majority of the people that I come into contact with on a weekly basis. Perhaps I've always had this level of acceptance, and it is my own internalized homophobia that has dissipated. At any rate, my being a lesbian seems to be a non-issue with co-workers, business contacts, insurance companies, doctor's offices, etc. The people in these places seem to take it at face value when I write down Angela's name in the box labeled "spouse," and they go on about their business.

Christians aren't always this dis-interested. It's as if Christians don't always believe me when I say I'm a lesbian. It's more like, "No, you're not gay. You were born straight, you are straight, and you have allowed sin to infiltrate your life and take over." Oh contrare!

There is no trust on the part of these Christians. There is no trust regarding my own personal relationship with God, or that God and I have been over this a thousand times and that I am on the exact path that God wants me to be on in this life. There is no trust in my Christian experience, and in that way God is the one who is discredited. What if God has always been trying to explain to the masses that there is nothing sinful about being gay? And what if God is about to let the winds of change blow a little bit stronger? The gay Christian revolution is coming.

It used to be controversial to be gay. That's why Ellen's coming out was such a huge deal several years ago. But now--due in part to pop culture trailblazers like Ellen and Rosie--it's not a big deal to come out. In fact, I don't think a big coming out moment is even necessary. It's just something a person begins to talk about as part of his or her life, and that is that. Now it's coming out as a gay Christian that causes the controversy. That's the part that people seem to be the most reluctant to accept.

Or, perhaps I've just reached a new level in my own internalized homophobia. Grrreeeaaaaat. Since I know that there are Christians out there who will likely condemn me on spec, perhaps I have allowed a good bit of fear to develop and affect how I view them and how I view myself. Coming out is indeed a lifelong process.

Regardless, just as the frenzy around being gay has died down, the phobia and judgment swirling around gay Christians will eventually evaporate as well. After all, if God is love, doesn't it become logically impossible to discredit once certain type of love? God is. Love is. There truly is nothing to fear.

Time for a deeper faith

Have you ever had one of those periods in your life when you just know you have to develop a deeper faith? Anything can bring this realization about. It can be job stress, family stress, or it can even be when things are going extremely well and you just feel like you have to have a deeper connection with God in order to fully appreciate everything. Some type of void exists, and you know the only thing that will fill it is a more profound relationship with God.

I'm in one of those periods right now. Actually, I think I've been in one of those periods my entire life, but that's way too much to cover in one blog. (Get the book. Ha!) Over the past few weeks I've just had the overwhelming feeling that I'm not quite connecting with life as I should. I've been zipping through, trying to accomplish as much as I absolutely can, and sort of just saying hey to God as I'm passing through. Although we've talked, God and I haven't had any really meaningful conversations lately (the kind that just rip me to the core), and I haven't been to church. Part of that is because of my job, but there have been opportunities to go to church and we haven't done it. I've been feeling like a ship that's floating along without an anchor. And it's a shallow pond, so my rear end drags across the bottom in spots and keeps me from making the progress I'm trying so hard to make. Nice visual, huh. I'm in my own way.

Each morning I usually pour a cup of coffee and check my email right away. Actually, I turn on the computer and let it warm up, and then I pour the coffee so the computer is ready for me by the time I have the coffee in hand. I can't waste a minute! But I'm starting to drive myself crazy with the uber efficiency. I'm sure God finds all of this humorous, and just waits for me to have an A-ha moment so I'll pause long enough to really get a good whiff of the coffee beans. Well today, I poured my coffee and picked up the Bible before I created any other noise or motion in the house. I read parts of Nehemiah, Micah, and Luke and talked to God as I was reading. Then I prayed formally; eyes closed and with full concentration. My God-filled perspective is beginning to return.

It's quiet in the house as I'm typing this. The dogs are in the home office with me and they're sleeping. But I can hear their breath. There are a bunch of birds in the bush just outside the window, and I can hear them chirping. I can hear airplanes in the distance, and it causes me to wonder where all of those people are headed. The lack of artificial noise and the active pursuit of God, are slowly but surely allowing me to develop a more outward perspective, and reminding me just how much I'm missing when I focus internally. God never loses sight of the big picture, and even though I do, I'm thankful that God is willing to show it to me anytime I'm truly ready to see it.

Since I work each night until midnight, I sneak into bed around 1am. Angela is always fast asleep and I try not to wake her, but it's difficult with four schnauzers rattling their collars and trying to re-situate. Last night Angela stirred a bit, so I grabbed her hand and she started to fall asleep again. Schnauzer number three, Marlee Bean, came over and rested her head right on top of our hands, and stayed there for quite some time. She let out a big contented sigh as she too drifted off to sleep. It was as if she were putting the punctuation on whatever her two favorite people had just communicated. Whatever it was, she got it, and she wanted to be a part of it. I felt like she was a messenger from God, who was providing physical evidence that no matter where exactly our focus is, the big picture is still intact and it always will be.

God is so good. If only I could remain focused on that.

Straight, Not Narrow

Jim Johnson maintains a fantastic blog called, "Straight, Not Narrow." It has been linked to this blog for awhile now, so I hope you're clicking over regularly. Jim is a grace-filled Christian who really understands our plight as gay Christians, and he's doing his best to bring understanding to the fundamentalists who just don't get it.

I sent Jim a copy of Coming Out Christian and he will be reviewing it soon.

It's awesome to see that a straight Christian has absolutely no doubt that God embraces us as gay men and lesbians. He believes we're born gay, and that God blesses committed, monogamous relationships regardless of gender.

I know you'll enjoy Jim's perspective.

Wholeness in brokeness

Angela gave me this cross for my birthday this weekend. I absolutely love it.

Several months ago as we were driving to church, we had a conversation about what the cover of my book should look like. The conversation went from there to the idea that we should develop some sort of cross that could become symbolic of our journeys as gay Christians. A few days later, Angela produced a rough sketch of this cross. We gave it to a jewelry designer who created the line drawing that ended up on the cover of the book, and in the past month she created the mold for this sterling silver replica.

I love the feeling that this cross carries. The pieces are imperfect, jagged, and broken when separated, but when they come together they illustrate a profound wholeness symbolic of the type of all-encompassing love that Jesus died to give us. And there is a heart in the center that--no matter how many pieces it may be broken into--still manages to hold the whole thing together.

We're still playing with sizes and types of metals, but we hope to reproduce it in greater quantities eventually. If you have any input, please feel free to email or comment. So far the general sentiment seems to be that it's a bit large to wear on a short chain (it's about an inch and 3/4), but it might be perfect on a longer chain. That's how I'm wearing it this week.

What a great gift. In so many ways.

Diligence

I've been thinking a lot about diligence lately.

I'm reminded of a story that produces a great visual about what good things can result when we're truly diligent.

God instructs a man to push on an enormous boulder as it sits on the slope of a hill. The boulder is about halfway up the slope, so it's a good jaunt away from the peak. The man starts pushing and grows tired, but he keeps pushing as best he can. The boulder doesn't budge. But he keeps pushing. After a lengthy period of pushing with hardly any results, he looks down at himself and notices how much his muscles have grown. He is bronzed from the sun, his muscles now have incredible tone and definition, and although the boulder has barely budged from where it began, he is able to give it the same amount of energy with far less physical exertion. It had been a grueling process, but in it he had been transformed.

The man spoke with God at that point and apologized for not being able to move the rock, but what he heard back was a profound sentiment that would further transform him. God said, "I didn't ask you to move the rock. I asked you to push on it. I will be the one to move it."

I love that story. And it's so true. I think God's interest is to use many of life's challenging processes to see that we become higher beings in the end. Our responsibility then is not necessarily to conquer them or succeed in the eyes of the world, but rather it's to remain committed to the process and allow ourselves to be transformed as we go through it. Ultimately, God will be the one to decide when it's time to remove the biggest obstacles. Therein lies the blessing.

There are so many ways in which I want to be and need to be transformed. My aim today is to listen intently and keep pushing on the rock. Easier said than done, but where the heart is, lies possibility.

"I've never really understood it, but I think I'm beginning to..."

Repost from the forum at http://www.jenaustin.com. I know not everyone checks the new message board on the website, so just in case you missed it...

Angela and I went back to Nebraska to visit family over Labor Day weekend, and we had a couple of opportunities to sit down and have coffee with my grandma. My grandma and I have always been close. I think she's 87 now. On Monday afternoon while Angela and I were at her house without any other family around, she told me to go look in the display cabinet in the living room, and pay particular attention to the beautiful, sparkly glass dish perched on the top shelf. She said that was the crown jewel of her collection, and she wanted me to have it someday. Since I am the oldest of all of my cousins on that side of the family, I was the one who made this woman a grandmother, and we have always had a tight bond. She told me that same afternoon, that I could do nothing wrong in her eyes no matter how hard I tried. And I haven't really tried all that hard, unless you count the gay thing. My grandma doesn't count it. And by refraining from judgment and loving me unconditionally, I think I'm able to catch a little glimpse of God through her.

My grandma's eyesight isn't the best, and she says she "goes cross-eyed and blurry" if she reads too long, but she dove right into Coming Out Christian. As she read it, she said she would rest every so often, but she found herself going back to it not more than two minutes later, after only a brief walk around the kitchen and back to her favorite, well-lit recliner. I really didn't know how she would respond to the book, so this was a huge boost for me. And she really wanted to talk about it. She needed no provoking from me. My grandma and I have never really had a long conversation about my being a lesbian, but we did last Monday, and Angela was there to participate. Angela was mostly quiet, and just tried to capture the moment. She knew it would be one that I would file away in my sentimental, mental scrapbook and she just tried to soak it all in. The highlight of the conversation came when my grandma said, "No sir, I don't have anything against gay people, but I've never really understood it. But now reading this...I think I'm beginning to."

I get a little verklempt just thinking about the words, and the enthusiastic twinkle that jumped from her eyes as she said them. When validation comes from someone you love and respect this much, the internal ripple effect is pretty profound. My grandma lives in a farmhouse in a little tiny town in rural Nebraska, is surrounded by Republicans, attends a somewhat conservative Methodist church, and has had every reason to jump on the traditional gay-is-a-red-flag bandwagon, but she has used her own mind instead. I provided a reason to really think about what it means to be gay, and now she's in the process of really coming to terms with it.

My grandma probably won't be around to see the bulk of the coming gay/Christian revolution in the United States, but I think she can be credited with contributing to it. And all she did was love me and try to understand. Sometimes the simple things are more than enough.

Jada and Ciara photo

These are my sweet nieces, Ciara (Cici) on the left, and Jada on the right. They're only 18 months apart, so they have lots in common. They do their share of fighting, but the make up with hugs regularly.

I miss them already!

Back from vacation

We spent the past several days visiting my family in Nebraska and had the BEST time. Leaving my little niece Jada nearly ripped my heart clean from my chest this time. Oh, how that little tyke has ruined me. More on that to come.

Now the focus is on setting up our home office, but hopefully after that the blogging routine can return to something semi-normal at least. Just wanted to say hello.