Fear not

But Jesus, not heeding the word spoken, said to the ruler of the synagogue, “Fear not, only believe.” Mark 5.36

This verse was attached to today's church devotion that I received via email. These devotions always put my mind in the right place before I start my day.

I was actually nervous as I opened this devotion today--not because I thought that it included some life or death instructions from God, or that I was about to find out some eagerly-anticipated news--but because I'm dealing with some overall anxiety right now and I feel some degree of nervousness just about anytime I'm online. I don't feel anxious on the weekends when Angela and I are together because I don't let myself get online! Our focus on each other is incredibly calming and natural and right. But when the weekdays role around and I start working on the business that I created around the book, I'm anxious. There is certainty in my relationship with Angela and that sort of comfort level doesn't exist with the business. But then, maybe "comfort level" and "business" are mutually exclusive terms, and maybe I will never be completely at ease professionally. I've been in radio for twelve years and I've been with Angela for eight, and Angela is way more fulfilling! Duh! The book is new and there is stress that goes along with any new start-up opportunity. Perhaps all the anxiety means, is that I have my priorities in the right place. After all, the anxiety never takes over completely. My releationships with God and with Angela keep me centered, grounded, and happy. Those relationships provide a solid foundation, and they are the peaceful undercurrent that allows everything else to spring forward. The rest is ancillary.

Anxiety is necessary to a certain degree. God is not served as fully as God could be, if I just sit comfortably at home with Angela and talk about babies. (Our first artificial insemination attempt will happen in November if all goes well.) Although family and our relationship with God are the most important things, God also asks us to step out of that comfort zone and serve on a grander scale. Hence the book, and my being out in my career, etc. God needs vessels. Enter anxiety. I want God to be pleased, I want to be taking the steps that God wants me to take, and I want to feel God's presence every step of the way. I want to do my best for God, and sometimes I don't know exactly what that means. And then there are the critics. I heard through the grapevine that a co-worker of mine said something negative about me, and I don't know if it was because I'm a lesbian or because I'm a gay Christian. But it's something that I just have to shrug my shoulders about and move on. If anything it makes me more keenly aware of the goodness and truth embedded in my relationship with God, and serves as proof that I'm on exactly the right path. It's almost as if God used it to pat me on the back and say, "It's alright sweet pea. We're in this together and we'll just keep on truckin'. Don't worry about who gets it, and who doesn't." God is good.

I love that Jesus didn't "heed the word spoken" in this verse. Sometimes what comes out of the mouths of those around us and the message we get from God are two different things, and we have to have the strength to stick to God's. The mixed messages can cause anxiety, but in the end we have to "fear not" and "believe." There's something productive that can come from anxiety if we can label it as such, keep it in its place, and know that there is some greater purpose that has yet to be realized. "Believing" is something active that we can do as we forge ahead, and that is comforting.

The hard part is, to only believe. It's hard to commit only to believing and to shut out the anxiety. But this week I intend to try.

A Satanic Attack it is Not

Anyone watching the Gospel Music Channel? I just discovered it a couple of days ago on DirecTV channel 15. I'm diggin' it! Relevant, rockin' music videos (i.e. Jars of Clay and Krystal Meyers) and kind of a fun attitude. I haven't seen any gay Christians yet, but I'll keep my eyes open. Hey, it will happen eventually! It does get a little too "family friendly" and Norman Rockwellish at times, for my taste anyway. But I love flipping over when I need a break from ESPN and CMT.

There is an Anglican priest in South Africa named Jo Mdhlela, who is speaking out in favor of gay rights. His congregation is conservative and many in South Africa disagree with him, but he's sticking to his convictions. Mdhlela says, "Jesus is challening churches. Jesus is saying if you said apartheid was unjust then you must say laws discriminating against homosexual people are unjust (Reuters)."

Mdhlela isn't really winning over the masses in South Africa, but it's a start. Many of his fellow clergy are stuck on the idea that homosexuality is wrong, and they can't move forward. Archbishop Petere Akinola is Africa's leading opponent of gay clergy and he says of the gay civil rights movement, "I personally think that this is an attack on the Church of God, a Satanic attack. I cannot think of how a man in his senses would be having a sexual relationship with another man. It is so unnatural, so unscriptural. Even in the world of animals, dogs, cows, lions, we don't hear of such things (Reuters)."

Views like Mdhela's are rooted in subjectivity. At least he began with "I personally," because that's exactly what makes it okay to disagree. I have a completely different perspective. Those of you who are reading this blog may have another perspective. Faith is personal, and the more personal it becomes, the more it enables the opinions of others to just bounce right off and evaporate. God and I are cool! My relationship with Jesus is not somehow a satanic attack, and it cannot be made into that no matter how hard others might try. It is rooted in love, truth, and goodness, and it is leading me toward spiritual maturity. That is completely natural, and completely scriptural. I agree with Akinola that homosexuality is unnatural...for him. But it discredits God when he tries to extend that understanding to cover me and other gay Christians. God is doing a new work. There are many who just don't yet see it.

I'm grateful for Christians like Mdhlela who are open to revolutionary ideas. Just when we as Christians get comfortable and think God is done with the revolutions, that's exactly when a new one starts stirring. Christians who dig in their heels and think they are protecting the faith, or restoring "traditional values" and that sort of thing, are just the ones who are about to be bowled over. The truth is always revealed in time. Glory to God.

The Builder

Hebrews 3:4

For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything.

I've been thinking about that verse a lot lately. In fact, I wrote it on a piece of paper and propped it up against my computer screen, so it's impossible not to see it while I'm working in the home office. It's staring back at me right now.

There it is again--the familiar presence that I wrote about in the book, and a presence I know only to be God. It just rose up out of that verse and gave it meaning. The first half of the verse is stagnant. It doesn't move and it doesn't move me. The second half of the verse though; that is fluid and vibrant, and it stirs something inside me. I love how, even in the smallest things, God is present.

It seems like I analyze daily whether or not the things I am building are truly for God. Because if I'm sweating and toiling over the building process, and God's glory--and purpose fulfilled--are not natural results, my toiling is in vain. But then, this verse says God is the builder of everything. To me, this means God is in charge of the big picture. No matter how badly I may screw up the details or get my signals crossed about what exactly it is that God wants me to do, God can still use the whole process for good, and God can make it into something that I cannot. I am the laborer, and God is the overseer who provides direction and fixes the things that need fixin' along the way.

There is an incredible amout of peace associated with this amount of divine involvement in my life. I just don't know how people who don't have faith make it through life. God is my comforter, my friend, my boss who adds structure to my work, my confidante, and another parent who loves me recklessly no matter what. God is present in every trial, every blessing, and in all the ho-hum times in between. It's so true...apart from God I am nothing. (John 15:5: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.) Just remain.

Hebrews 3:4 is also a great reminder that I need to constantly open myself up to being used by "The Builder." If I'm not willing to be a vessel, then God isn't going to accomplish as much as God wants to accomplish through me. It's my job to open myself up and become vulnerable, so that God can make me strong, and add significance to the messages that rise up out of the weakness. And just when I think I've become as vulnerable as I can possibly become, God says, "Let's go one step further." And out on the limb I go. And yet I don't fall. God continues to amaze me in that way.

Time to go sharpen my tools.

Bill O'Reilly on The View

Ugh! Bill O'Reilly makes me so crazy. Just a little while ago on The View he divided the country into Traditionalists and Secular Progressives.

Traditionalists, he said, are those who believe the country is good and that the Judeo-Christian values it was founded upon are also good. Secular Progressives, he said, are those who believe the country is socially and economically flawed.

Have I mentioned in the last five minutes how much I despise black and white?! Isn't it ironic that black is the absence of light and therefore the absence of color? Somehow that must seem safe. And white is achieved by adding the three primary colors together in equal amounts. Isn't this far too limiting, not to mention boring? Isn't the world a better place with all the colors? At the very least give me some gray. I'm not afraid to get messy.

Dividing people into categories helps to make sense of the world, but I think it also shows how afraid we are of just letting people be free. Folks like Bill O'Reilly are happier when everything is controlled, clean, and in it's place. Hello Leviticus.

Thank God for Rosie and Joy. Bill put them in the Secular Progressives category, and they both immediately responded with, "Hold on! We also believe that the Judeo-Christian values that the country was founded upon are good."

Just because there are a few of us out here who believe the country would be better off with progress, doesn't mean we also believe the country is a bad place. It's fundamentally good. But so are humans, and we make mistakes. As humans, we're also in a whole heap of trouble once we stop growing. Isn't maturity the point? I guess the word "progressive" just carries too much fear for those who are content to cling to the status quo, and believe that clinging to the past is better than growing into the future. By attaching the word "progressive" to a cause that is interested in growth, it makes it sound like we would like the country to fly off out of control and over a cliff, to its death. Nothing could be further from the truth. Progressives are interested in growth. And for crying out loud..."growth" does not equate "secular."

What's the solution? Who knows. Perhaps we should be called Thinking-Caring-Fair-Spiritual-Accepting-Confident-Unthreatened by differences-Growth Seekers. That seems to be much more accurate.

Fearless
Godly
Thinking
Concerned
Unselfish
Aware
Capable
Ethical
Moral
Generous
Organic
Loving
Strong
Profound
Faithful

Perhaps it's time to begin a new tradition.

Letting God shine through...eventually

Saturday night at the book signing at The Bookworm in Frisco, a friendly-looking man approached me and asked what my book was about. I told him it was about being gay and Christian, which is a bit vague I suppose, but usually gets at least the beginnings of a point across.

He asked, "Do you find that difficult?" I replied, "At times. The book covers my experience growing up in Nebraska and I felt sheltered there."

For some reason, I didn't feel like he fully realized what side of the gay Christian fence I was standing on. Angela later said she agreed; that maybe he didn't quite get it. Perhaps it was his appearance. He looked a bit like a young Pat Robertson who might recently have attended a Southern Baptist Convention, so when he asked me if I found being gay and Christian difficult, I immediately wondered if he expected me to reply with something anti-gay. Yes, I judged him. I don't know a thing about his history, and yet when he asked me about mine, the self-defense mechanism in my brain immediately assessed him and turned my response into a tentative and guarded one.

I knew I had to conjure up at least a little strength. It was in there somewhere. God put strength inside me, and it's always up to me to consciously open up the gates and override the filters that keep it contained. So when this man further tried to figure me out and asked, "So when did you become a Christian?" I said, "Well, I've been a Christian all my life. Because faith came first, I had a hard time when I finally awakened to the fact that I was gay. I had to do something to reconcile that with faith." His expression changed ever so slightly, but his demeanor didn't. He was still friendly. He said, "I see. Well best of luck with the book." After that we exchanged pleasantries about living in the north Dallas suburbs and he was on his way.

It wasn't a negative experience, but one that caused me to question my rush to judgment, and the reasons behind my inability to be strong in conversations from the very beginning. So much depends on the vibe I get from the person I'm talking to. Earlier in the evening a woman asked me the same initial question (What is your book about?), and I had no problem talking to her about it. But the vibe I got from her was one of complete acceptance and genuine interest. Opening up was easy once she told me that she was a Christian with many gay friends, and just didn't know how to have a conversation with them. She wanted to encourage her gay friends to get closer to God. I had all sorts of things to say in response to that, so the conversation was natural and easy. I have to learn how to be just as steady when the vibe isn't quite so warm.

And so the growing process continues.

Since the book was released, I've learned a lot about myself. Writing involves such an incredible zone. When I'm writing I can be totally in the moment and my mind is focused on what I want to say, how I want to say it, and what effect I hope the words will ultimately have. There are no walls, and it's intimate. When I'm talking to someone about what I wrote, the zone is blown to bits! There is no zone, and that sometimes makes me become guarded. There are a million variables involved in verbal communication, and it seems like all of them are hell-bent on chipping away at the intimacy. That forces me to reinvent my methods, and makes me more aware of the reasons why I should allow each conversation to make me better.

The zone (i.e. focus) is there when I'm on the radio and when I'm speaking in front of a group...most of the time at least. It's the one-on-one verbal communication that's difficult for me and makes me squirm at times. At least I'm narrowing it down to the area most in need of improvement! And SO the growing process continues.

From an upcoming magazine article

I decided to post a portion of an email interview I did for an upcoming magazine article so you can get the full, unedited version. The things I say may be hacked to bits in print soon, but you can get the whole story right in blogville!

Once this is published, I'll post a link.



2. Some people in our community can't comprehend how an individual can be gay and a Christian, given the hostility toward GLBT people exhibited by some people who are Christians. How would you respond to that?

I completely understand the reluctance. I've been there. Nobody wants to approach a God who might offer condemnation on spec, and who might consider a certain kind of truth to be an abomination. I'd rather not hit myself in the head with a skillet either! No one wants to walk right into a situation that brings automatic pain. But the pain doesn't come from God in this case. The moment I first realized that it was other Christians who were condemning me as a lesbian, and that the condemnation was not coming from God, it became a whole lot easier to approach God and work on developing a more profound relationship. That's really what it's about. It's not about being perfect or living up to other Christians' standards. It's about a relationship with God, and anyone can have that.

3. The well-known passages in Leviticus are the ammunition that people on the Christian right typically use to disparage gay people. How can gay people respond to that? Is there any effective way to respond, particularly if one isn't a Biblical scholar or a theologian?

The easiest way to respond is to say that God loves us fully as we are. There is more to the story, but that's a good place to start. If God IS love, doesn't it become logically impossible to say that a certain kind of love is not God? If love is present, God is present. That's the foundation. It's important to understand that the Christians who use Leviticus to speak against homosexuality also don't understand homosexuality. There is some sort of built-in fear of same-sex attraction that requires them to look for ways to condemn it. Leviticus is an obvious choice.

Leviticus 18:22 (NIV) says, "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable." Some translations say it's an abomination. As a lesbian reading that passage I think, "Well alrighty then! I won't! Consider it done. Big whoop." Although this verse speaks specifically about men, those who take the Bible literally try to make this a balloon statement that covers lesbians as well.

Two important things to note about homosexuality and the Bible: Homosexual orientation is never addressed, and Jesus said nothing about it. If there had been an eleventh commandment that said, "Thou shalt not fall in love with someone of the same gender, have a union cermony, and open up a joint checking account" then we might have a problem. But it's always a select few homosexual acts that are discussed in the Bible, and not same-sex love or a gay person's psycho-sexual orientation.

In the culture at the time Leviticus was written, cleanliness and keeping things cut and dried was of the utmost importance, and homosexuality was a blending of two things not largely understood. For reasons that deal with cleanliness, Leviticus also forbids eating fish without scales and wearing fabric made of two different materials. So if someone uses Leviticus to speak against homosexuality while eating oysters and wearing a cotton/polyester blend, that person is in a heap of spiritual trouble. Leviticus was written before Jesus, so the only way to grow closer to God during that time was by keeping the commands of this holiness code. Jesus eventually bridged the gap, and again, said nothing about homosexual orientation. When we as GLBT people make an effort to understand and own the Bible, we realize it's not as anti-gay as it has been made out to be. And it becomes a whole lot easier to take condemnation from other Christians because we become better aware of how misguided it really is.

4. In a similar manner, there is at least one passage in the New Testament that some people interpret as prohibiting homosexuality (from Paul, though not sure which book). That message in the New Testament can seem more problematic to some people. How might we respond to that?

It's important to respond with the understanding that the word "homosexual" was first coined by psychologists in the 1860's, so the fact that the word appears in the Bible at all shows the bias of modern translators.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians that "homosexual offenders will not inherit the kingdom of God." In 1 Timothy we're referred to as "perverts" and lumped in with slave traders, swindlers, and adulterers. Different modern translations use different words, but the orginal Greek meaning is almost always lost. The orginal Greek words usually refer to youth that exchanged sexual favors for money from older men; i.e. prostitutes. Paul had to say something to address what was going on in the culture at the time. Sexuality was being used for personal gain--status, power, selfish gratification, etc. Again, it's not homosexual orientation that's being addressed, but the misuse of sexuality in general. If I cheated on my same-sex spouse today I could be condemned based on the words of Paul not because I'm a lesbian, but because I would be an adulterer. Paul also encouraged slaves to obey their masters, taught that women should be obedient and submissive to men, and instructed women to have long hair and men short. Paul was human, and said what he thought was best regarding the culture at the time. To pull out a verse without understanding the context doesn't do the Bible justice.

5. So many people on the Christian right (or at least those who have set them up in positions of power and influence) seem to become so hostile regarding gay people and gay issues. Is there a way we can talk to one another and try to bridge that "belief gap"?

The crux of the argument against gay marriage, is that "the Bible says homosexuality is wrong." I don't believe that's true at all, and it makes me a little bit nuts when these soundbites become part of news stories. But until GLBT people take full ownership of their faith, sentiments like these will continue to gain momentum. Taking ownership can mean simple things, like wearing a cross necklace, having a holy union ceremony and inviting the relatives that just don't get it, and taking the initiative to build relationships with people who have different faith-based opinions. I sometimes have coffee with a member of an ex-gay organization who thinks that homosexuality is biblically forbidden. Yet we are able to look each other in the eye and talk about God, and I think each of us catches a glimpse of God in the other. No two Christians will agree on everything. So it's silly to let an issue like homosexuality keep us from reaching out and building relationships. I think the people who show hostility toward us as gay people (in the name of God of course) sort of expect us to react negatively, or at the very least to be hurt by their opinions. We just have to stay strong and refuse to match the hostility. That means commit to the truth, own our faith, and when hostile opinions come, respond with grace. That seems to be a whole lot more Christian than judging and condemning anyway.

6. In your work with the twentysomething group at Cathedral of Hope, have you seen
examples of attitudes from young gay people that you think might help them advance the rights of gay people and gay Christians? If so, what might those be?

The 20somethings amaze me. For the most part, they are secure in their faith and secure in their sexuality, and they just want other Christians to hurry up and get it. Granted, these young gay people are part of a nucleus of gay Christians and they have the luxury of that support group. But overall, I think they are part of a generation that understands more than it condemns, and that bodes well for the future. The energy to initiate positive change is there. It's just a matter of continuing to respond from a place of truth and love, and not from a place of revenge, hostility, or entitlement.

7. When you came out, what was the reaction of your listeners? Are your listeners aware that you are gay?

I don't know how my listeners can NOT know that I'm gay. I don't go overboard talking about it just like I don't go crazy talking about my blonde hair, but it is part of my life and anyone that wants that info can certainly find it. (My bio page at mix1029.com includes a picture of Angela and she's always part of my radio-related blogs.) My actual on-air coming out happened when I was part of a morning show on another station, and there were a couple of people who found my website after that and offered some not-so-nice suggestions about how God might feel about me. But those people will always be out there, and they could find me just as easily if I worked at the grocery store. Overall, listeners have been accepting. Lesbian listeners have been ecstatic at times. They seem to have taken ownership of me in a way, which is flattering. I feel a certain responsibility to not let them down. They're all getting toaster ovens.

Are there any questions that I haven't asked that you might like to address?

I've certainly made my share of mistakes, and now that the book is out those foibles are there for all the world to see. But I hope more than the brokenness, people are able to see the wholeness that rises above the shattered pieces when God is involved. And really, whether we are Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish, etc., I think we would benefit as GLBT people if we all took better ownership of our faith. Faith is truth, and if we actively display it, it becomes a lot harder to find fault with us and keep us down. I fully believe there is a faith-based revolution on the horizon, and we can all play a part. It begins and ends with each of us.

Very very bare blog

I've been in a really weak place emotionally lately. Much of it has to do with the release of the book, because now all of my business is out there and I feel more vulnerable than I've ever felt before. It's uncharted territory. I'm doing everything I'm doing because it's part of my calling, but what if I'm left hanging? Faith is scary sometimes. But it's in those moments of fear that my relationship with God is the most alive and profound, and it's because of that that I know I'm in exactly the right place. And so we move on.

Given this delicate emotional state, you can imagine that I'm hyper-sensitive about nearly everything. On Friday, Angela told me about something a friend of ours said about me that was intended to be a playful compliment, but to me it ended up being a huge blow emotionally. I made this friend laugh over a break I did on the radio about the "pick your purse" contest our station is doing, because I got really excited about one of the designer purses and said I wanted it for myself. This friend thought it was hilarious because she knows I don't carry a purse, and she has never known me to get excited about anything "designer" and foo foo. It's a silly little thing to react negatively to, but it came at a time when I was already evaluating whether or not my radio persona and my real life persona are different, or one in the same. I don't ever want to be duplicitous or disingenuous, and when I hear comments that seem to imply that, the cut is deep.

Part of me wishes I had never put up this silly Johari Window, because it seems to me that the people who listen to me on the radio and the people who know me in real life have come up with two different perspectives. Listeners and friends seem to be reading two different projections; the one that is upbeat and relaxed on the radio, and the one that is self-conscious and nervous in real life. I don't disagree with either of these assessments because there is truth in each of them. It's the gap between them that bothers me. It feels like I've been painted into two separate corners.

When Angela told me about our friend's comment about me and purses, we had just been out to lunch and she was taking me back to my car so I could go to work. As soon as I got out of her vehicle and into my car, I started to cry. Emotionally bare I tell ya. It was like I had been teetering on the edge all week, and that just made me tip over. Angela and I talked on the phone as I drove to work, and she was understandably shocked by my reaction. I was upset because I really did like the dang purses! They're huge bags with lots of pockets and clunky hardware. What lesbian wouldn't dig that. I felt like this friend thought I was a liar, while I was telling the truth. This is nothing that we don't all experience as gay Christians on a daily basis, but again I'm emotionally bare right now. The gap between what we know to be the truth and what others believe, is harder to handle at some times than it is at others. ("Self-conscious" on this Johari Window really should have an exclamation point behind it.)

As usual, Angela gave it some thought and then gave me the words of wisdom that forced my crazy thoughts and feelings to subside. She said she doesn't feel like my radio persona is any different from the Jen that she knows in real life, and she never thinks anything I say on the air is out of character or disingenuous. She just thinks I only show a narrow piece of myself to the radio audience, and a different narrow piece of myself to friends and family members, and since no one ever gets the complete picture all at once, there is a gap. Angela is the only one who ever gets the whole package. When other people use their own personal filters and perspectives to form an opinion based on the limited images I project, it's natural to think there is a disparity. That's some great insight.

So perhaps the real lesson in all of this, is for me to learn how to show more of myself to everyone. I have painted myself into these corners, and I'm the one who will have to venture outside of them. The limits are self-imposed more than they are attached from the outside. Perhaps as I continue to grow into the person that God intends for me to be, I will become better at projecting the whole, rather than only the broken pieces.

Arena (known to self and others) brave, dependable, reflective, witty	Blind Spot (known only to others) accepting, bold, caring, cheerful, clever, complex, confident, energetic, friendly, giving, happy, ingenious, intelligent, introverted, kind, knowledgeable, logical, loving, mature, nervous, observant, organised, patient, powerful, proud, relaxed, religious, responsive, searching, self-conscious, sympathetic, tense, trustworthy, warm, wise
Façade (known only to self) calm, independent	Unknown (known to nobody) able, adaptable, dignified, extroverted, helpful, idealistic, modest, quiet, self-assertive, sensible, sentimental, shy, silly, spontaneous

All Percentages

able (0%) accepting (12%) adaptable (0%) bold (6%) brave (18%) calm (0%) caring (25%) cheerful (6%) clever (6%) complex (25%) confident (6%) dependable (6%) dignified (0%) energetic (6%) extroverted (0%) friendly (31%) giving (6%) happy (18%) helpful (0%) idealistic (0%) independent (0%) ingenious (6%) intelligent (50%) introverted (6%) kind (31%) knowledgeable (6%) logical (12%) loving (18%) mature (6%) modest (0%) nervous (6%) observant (12%) organised (12%) patient (6%) powerful (12%) proud (18%) quiet (0%) reflective (31%) relaxed (6%) religious (37%) responsive (6%) searching (12%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (25%) sensible (0%) sentimental (0%) shy (0%) silly (0%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (6%) tense (6%) trustworthy (25%) warm (12%) wise (6%) witty (12%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 9.10.2006, using data from 16 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view jenaustin's full data.

Re-post from the Mix 102.9 blog

I posted this on my other blog this morning (http://jenaustinradio.blogspot.com) and it's something I might bring up from time to time here, so I gotta post it twice. If you've already read the other blog, this is from the department of redundancy department. Have a super weekend!


A bundle of nerves....which could turn into a bundle of joy eventually.

Angela and I had another consultation with the baby doc yesterday and this time it looks like we're ready to proceed! Exciting certainly, but also something that strikes fear in the pits of our bellies. Will it really happen? How long will it take? How will we handle it once it does happen? And one more time for good measure, WILL it happen?

As it looks now, our first attempt will be in November. Sooner than we originally thought. But Angela has healed well from the surgery in June and the doctor is confident that we can move forward. Our friends who have been through this already have suddenly become an invaluable resource. One friend in Austin emailed me back early this morning, but then had to run to tend to her two little girls. They're 3 and 6 months old now. Hopefully we'll have that stress some day as well.

I feel like God is giving birth to several things in our lives right now: my books, Angela's jewelry designs, the growing community at jenaustin.com, and, most importantly, our family. All of it scares the daylights out of me, but I also know it's all part of one path, one vision, and we're committed to it. Whatever is meant to be will be. But what exactly IS that?

God's grace is sufficient

As I was driving home from work last night I semi-meditated on that sentence.

I thought about posting it all by itself in the body of this blog. But then I decided it would look funny sitting there all alone and it would be a distraction more than it would be thought-provoking. So here I am adding to it.

Shouldn't that sentence be able to stand alone? What is it in me that wants to put stuff around it?

Psalm 46:10 comes to mind, "Be still and know that I am God." I know. Being still is the hard part.

So I'll quit before I clutter this blog too much with unnecessary verboseness. If it's abrupt, well perhaps that's the point God is trying to make today.

God's grace is sufficient.

Interactive Johari Window

I tried to copy and paste the html results of this Interactive Johari Window, but there was some code error and I'm not computer savy enough to figure out what the problem is. So, if you're interested in seeing the results of this personality test, please click on the link above.

The Interactive Johari Window is fascinating to me. What I've learned so far, is that people who listen to me on the radio, and people who know me in real life have two different opinions! I suppose it's true that most people who are in the public eye make every effort to project confidence and adequacy, but when someone gets to know them on a personal level, all of the weaknesses and flaws become apparent; if not blatantly obvious. So I agree with all of you. The strengths and weaknesses pop up at different times, but they're all there.

I wonder what an interactive faith window would look like. What spiritual images do I project? Which spiritual traits are apparent to those around me? The spiritual weaknesses that I make every effort to overcome are glaringly obvious to me, and I wonder if they are that obvious to the community around me. (I'm certain that they are, especially since I blog about most of them. Silly me.) Do I live up to my own spiritual strengths, or do I just consider them to be strengths without necessarily working hard to maintain them? Which qualities of mine are known only to God? Will I ever reach the point of spiritual maturity that reveals them?

As always, my spiritual journey is more about the questions than it is the answers. I will continue to seek.